DISCLOSURE: This is being written by an introvert. I am totally fine with being alone. Watching the Sci-Fi channel all day Saturday interspersed with periods of reading a good book suits me quite well. It is no challenge for me to tune out the world and get all cozy with: ME. After all . . . I need my “me-time” to reconnect with, well, ME. ’Cause, you know, I wouldn’t be any good to anybody if I wasn’t good to myself. And besides, if you are going to be able to love anybody, ya gotta love yourself first. Gotta build up the old self-image before I build up anybody else . . . Blablablabla . . . /END SARCASM.
ME-time is way overrated, especially for a man with a family. There are people in your home who need what only you can give them. Didn’t you marry your wife because you felt you couldn’t live without her? Wasn’t there something said about “forsaking all others”? Now, as I understand it, many men try to convince their wives that they need to “do their own thing for themselves once in a while”. Supposedly we need to get out of the house from time to time and cut loose. I suspect this is merely selfishness carried over from singleness. Marriage is, I suppose, adding a sex partner to my list of other fun activities? She thinks not.
Dude, your time for ME was all that time you had BW&K (Before Wife and Kids). I sold my dirt bike and gave away all my rock climbing stuff right before I got married. Before my wedding day, life was all about ME and doing fun things for ME. Come to think of it, I wonder how there was any time left for dating my wife and I wonder what she saw in this self-centered guy who prioritized play time. ( I am going to ask her that tonight when I get home). When we commit to marriage, we commit to giving of ourself to the person we chose as being the perfect complement for us. Likewise, she knows that her husband has strengths and qualities that she needs in her life, or else she won’t be a complete person.
Completing one another- isn’t that really the mystery of marriage? This is the truth behind the saying “Opposites attract”. I married my wife because I need her: need in the sense that I am not a rightly functioning person without what she has to offer. “A ship without a sail, A stake without a chain” . . . Each of us is our own person, but not fully functioning to our potential without the other. I can’t tell you how many times her gentle spirit has saved me from making an a$$ of myself. Yes I need her.
If you will be honest with yourself, ME-time is often just a conflict avoidance strategy. ME-time seems really important when unresolved conflict dwells in our house. For this guy’s little pea brain, it seems much easier to just hibernate into my ME-zone than to make the effort to engage my wife in a conversastion that might get painful. When I choose to not be at home either physically or mentally then the problems cease to exist in my mind. I just pray that they really have gone elsewhere when I return to reality. They never go away. They grow bigger when I am ME-timing.
My wife knows me better than anyone. She is gracious about my faults and effusive about my few decent traits. Because she has the one-two combination of knowing my faults and a fierce love for me, only she has this magical way of helping me to grow into full manhood. This woman is the reason I want to stop acting like a boy.I can’t be a real man without her. That is if I will get out of the ME-zone long enough. When I insist on ME-time, I deny myself the benefit of my wife’s life giving advice and counsel.
Likewise ME-time robs my wife of the balance that only I can provide her. Just last night (late), her feelings got hurt by a family member’s email. I spent the next hour sitting next to her, defending her family and reminding my wife that they do love her and that the offending comment was made out of a wounded spirit, not out of criticism for her. We talked until I sensed that she was feeling some emotional balance about the whole thing. I had been up since 6:00am, had slept only a few hours because she had been sick all night, gone to work, brought dinner home for the kids, gone to night school, and got home at 10:15pm. I was ready for ME-time. She needed SHE-time more. (And I have full confidence that, once she is feeling better, she will be offering some personal ME-time, KWIM? She’s good that way.)
ME-time robs my kids of the dadly (new word?) influence they need to grow into proper adults. They need me to engage them about their interests and understand the concerns in their lives. When I am stuck in my world I cannot be into theirs. My children need to know that I love them more than I care for myself and my needs. Children need the unfettered interaction of the man called dad. Research shows that if they don’t get attention from the actual dad they will find some sort of substitute, and that substitute NEVER works out well for them. I would say that most of the realtionship problems in our society can be tracked back to a child’s unfulfilled need for their dad. I suspect ME-time is the guilty party.
Giving selflessly is a hallmark of manhood. Once we get married, and especially after the children start arriving, a man’s life means little about himself and much about others. Will you be the kind of man who would “die to self” for the sake of others?
Stumble It!