Before I launch into “I don’t mean what I thought I did” a preface is in order. I really try to write these posts to be an easy read in under 5 minutes but be forewarned: I am breaking my own 5 minute rule. Maybe I will turn this post into 2. We’ll see how it goes.
Added: Yes, I am splitting this post into 2. Sorry for the tease but please keep reading.
You likely have noticed that the old saw opposites attract applies to most marriages out there. It sure does in mine. You’ve surely seen couples like us walking together in the mall and wondered, “How did that goofball manage to land a fine catch like her?” I tend to be slow, plodding and cautious. My wife, on the other hand operates by the deep philosophy FIRE, READY, AIM. Although she is wonderfully organized, impetuosity is her middle name. I am introverted and contemplative. She makes lifelong friends in the bank teller line. I am quiet, she is quite NOT. You get the picture
Have you ever wondered why this is true? Why would I be so drawn to and smitten by another human who could also rub me the wrong way because of our differences? Besides the fact that marrying someone like myself would be quite dull. My wife and I were counseled (by a pastor who was interpreting a Meyers-Briggs test or some such tripe) to reconsider marrying one another. He saw we were too alike in the stubbornness category and far too different in the “likes” category. He forecast, for instance, that my plans for a 2-week backpacking trip would conflict with her desire to spend those same 2 weeks vacationing in a full service resort somewhere fancy schmancy. Our off-the-chart stubbornness index would, he reasoned, kick in and lead to unresolvable conflict. He predicted we would have a rough go of it. And he was partly right and mostly wrong. Our differences cause us to learn to give in to one another, but our stubbornness always carries us through the hard times. One of us always stubbornly chooses to gracefully wait out the other when times get tough between us.
Of course, successful marriages must be built upon shared common values. I can’t imagine a successful marriage where one spouse is devoted to the Bible and the other is equally devoted to the Koran. In this arena, being opposite makes the chances of long term success unlikely for that couple.
It is BY DESIGN that we require an opposite, or as I prefer to say COMPLEMENTARY, spouse. Not complimentary, as in “My don’t you look pretty today”. That kind is important, too, but not the subject today. The kind of complementary I want to look at now is the kind where two halves make a whole. Yin and Yang, if that mental picture of two amoebas chasing each other’s tails within a circle helps you to visualize this concept.
Think of complementary as being air inside of a rubber tire. By itself, the air is pretty useful for breathing and other things, but not of much use for the transport of heavy loads. The tire, when not under a load can support its own weight but not much else. You’ve seen how quickly a tire is shredded when it loses air pressure while being driven. But put the two together- fill a rubber tire with the right amount of air and you get a really useful pair. Much more useful than they were by themselves, but needful of each other’s inherent qualities to get done the job of moving heavy loads quickly and smoothly over bumpy roads. If that tire were solid rubber, it would jar and shake the occupants of the vehicle mercilessly, and probably crack itself to bits in no time, due to the poor conditions of our roads and its inflexibility. But fill a tire with air . . . and you get a smooth ride. The air inside allows the tough tire to flex a little every time it drops into a pothole, preventing damage to the tire itself and aiding the passengers in a safe journey.
I mentioned that complementariness (I know; long cumbersome word. If it is even a word. I’ll try not to use it too often) is by design. I believe there is a designer of all things, including marriage. If we would pay attention to how He designed marriage, most of us would fare much better. Here is where the Bible informs me, and I hope you’ll stick around for a little Sunday School lesson about Adam and Eve. I bet it won’t be anything like your Sunday School teacher of years past taught you. Odds are that your pastor isn’t teaching this either.
And if you are a person who is not so positive on the value of the Bible, well, just please try to look past the scripture references and focus on the truth behind it all. Because, the truth is, TRUTH IS. You don’t have to be a christian for the biblical principals of marriage to work for you. I know this statement will irk many christians. Sorry. Following biblical principals for marriage works for everyone.
Before we get to Adam and Eve and his missing rib, let’s tell a little backstory. The process of God creating something from nothing is the start of the story for us. The first 2 chapters of Genesis provides for us the abbreviated Readers Digest Cliff Notes version of how nothing became the something that we recognize as our universe and the laws that maintain its cohesiveness. I guess we don’t need to know the mechanics of the creation process, but buried in these chapters is some important information about men and women.
Notice how, after God creates each new aspect of the universe, He declares it “good”. Then in Genesis 2:18, we see a “not good”. See it there? It was not good that the man should be alone. I wonder why.
Could it be that it was not good because Adam didn’t have anyone to procreate with? Like, after creating all of the plants and animals to reproduce after their own kind God slipped up and forgot to set up a reproduction system for humans? Come on. Let’s not think like children for a moment, shall we? Something bigger is going on here.
Man was created in the image of God: a self-sufficient being (yes I have ignored the God part of the equation). I can only guess at the reason why God didn’t create humans male and female like he did for the animals, but He didn’t. I don’t think woman was an afterthought to man, though. The order and fashion of Eve’s creation is a very important foundation to how we understand marriage. He did what He did is the order He did it in for a reason, and deciphering that reason clears up a lot of questions for me.
God looked at the newly created man Adam and said “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him to complete him.” Italics added by me because that last phrase was added by me. But it really gets to the point in my opinion. The woman Eve was created to complete/complement Adam. To rule creation with him. Not to serve him. Not just to be his sex buddy. She was created to be an essential, non-disposable part of Adam. Adam needed Eve Like the top half of my body needs the bottom half. She wasn’t created as an add-on feature, but as an essential component of Adam himself. Like the tire needs air.
Here is the part that should be familiar to many. The part where your Sunday School teacher told you that God took a rib from Adam and made a woman and Adam fell in love with her. She might have said that God saw how lonely Adam was and how he had so much work to do by himself. How tidy.
And as you grew older and were able to sit in “big church”, I bet the wise pastor gave you the “real story” and preached that Eve was created from Adam’s side to be equal with him. Not from his feet to be trod upon and not from Adam’s head to boss him around. That is an okay message, too. Safe. Often the pastor will go on about the man being the head of the woman and how he should not take advantage of that power and treat her as his equal. And also mention that she is to remember to be subject to her husband since she was created second. Second Fiddle. Benevolent dictator. This part of the message is not so okay, and you will see why here directly.
So, back to the actual Bible. It says that God put Adam to sleep and took a chunk out of him and fashioned that piece of Adam into Eve. Forget the business of just taking a little rib out. This was major surgery. And here is where it gets interesting: Adam was redistributed.
The formerly complete man Adam was redistributed into two entities. Adam was now missing key components of his old self, but fortunately they were not too far away. Eve also was not complete without Adam at her side. Both humans were able to function on their own, but not to their full or best potential. Just like the tire and air. Adam and Eve became a complete unit, needful of what each had to offer.
If the idea that Adam was redistributed into 2 persons is a little hard to swallow, just consider that man was created in God’s image: God said let US create man in our image. Without making this a novella about the persons of God, just consider that He thought it best that Adam and Eve be complementary. The two halves of a whole. Better together.
Earlier I mentioned the order or sequence of creation. God didn’t create male and female humans like he created other male and female creatures, if you noticed. Elephants, sharks, dogs, and the rest were created by the pair. But Eve was not to be understood as a companion to Adam, or for that matter merely a helpmeet. Human men and women weren’t co-created. Woman came from man, and I bet Adam sensed in his spirit and flesh that his “Eve part” was missing after the operation. When the first couple first locked eyes, there was likely a sense between them of “Hey, I know you!”. Eve wasn’t just another person, she was a necessary part of Adam. She really was a part of Adam.
Which brings us to our marriages. I won’t presume to speak for or about your marriage, so if I may, I will use mine as the test subject. Today I need this woman like I need air. It wasn’t always so, though. Actually, I did always need her like air but I didn’t see the value in needing her like that. I was raised to be independent. Mom taught me to cook and clean for myself. I could even mend my own clothes and sew if I had to. I knew the value of hard work and how to pinch a penny. I felt complete as I stepped into marriage. I felt like I would be a fairly low maintenance guy, and I supposed that we would still have our own individual lives along with the fringe benefits of matrimony.
Why did no one ever tell me that I was marrying my other half? Notice I did not say better half. While that is very true, the profound point here is that it took me years (Probably about 15) to realize that Kim is my other half . . . my Eve. I am incomplete without her. I need my wife to make me a whole man. All along I thought I was a whole man, but then I met my other half. For the first 15 or so years she was just a companion, and a great one at that. But I failed to see the way she could complete me. I suppose I was too proud to admit that I actually needed someone else.
At this point I was going to recount all the ways that she makes my life richer, but realized how misplaced that would be. I started to list out all the ways that her influence enriches our home, ministry, work and play time. Then I deleted them all. I realized that might not be helpful since we are a unique person, and comparing this unique married person to another is about as beneficial as comparing siblings. I am the man God intends me to be with her. I am not fully myself without her at my side. We perfectly balance each other out. But other couples balance each other differently since each spouse brings their own uniqueness to the table.
When I consider that I am not a whole without my complement, I am forced to reconsider what marriage really is. It is not two people coming together to cohabit and make a home together. Complementary union is not a man ruling over his woman, with the woman willingly (HA!) allowing herself to be dominated. Neither is it a 50-50 proposition, with each spouse agreeing that they will take turns making decisions and leading.
As I see it, marriage of complementary individuals requires a reboot of the mind.
We tend to think we are all grown up when we are finally able to marry. After all, we have spent at least 18 years of training with our parents, maybe 4 or more years being trained in college and whatever other kind of life training has been thrown your way. We get married and feel “Big” finally. On our own. Mature.
But guess what? When we say “I do”, we are really agreeing to start our growing up process all over again. We are learning how to cleave with another individual to form us. Just like Adam and Eve. In a sense marriage is a miniature family reunion. Two individuals who have invested 21 or so years into becoming themselves suddenly meet up with the missing part of themselves they always knew they wanted to find and live with. And just like the growing up process has some fun times, it also has some painful lessons to be learned, too.
The difference with marriage is that we somehow got the notion we could divorce ourself if the painful lessons got to bad. The thought probably never occurred to yourself as you were growing up: did it? What sane person would conceive of such an idea? Growing up, we don’t consider divorcing ourself as an option: we learn from hard lessons and adjust accordingly. And the process matures us.
This notion of a complementary, “new person” marriage relationship where each person completes the other might seem far fetched. And as I said, it requires a reboot of the mind. It means that I must consider my new life with my wife as an entirely new process of growing up. We will be teaching each other lessons and learning life lessons together. If my mind is set on the fact that I am only complete with her, then all of these life lessons take on new meaning. We patch up each other’s weak spots and add temper to the strong suits. In areas where one lacks, the other stands in the gap. We each lift the other to newer and higher heights, because that is what I would do for myself.
I hope, by this point, you have begun to grasp upon where I come from. I see marriage as a redistribution of one person among two beings. Seems like a funny way to look at it, I know. But I see it this way because I see it is how we were designed. I know that I have left out a ton of other Bible verses about marriage, and that is on purpose. I see complementariness as the starting place for us to understand how to have a happy marriage (and sex life). Those other verses will make a lot more sense when we get this foundation established first.
Sorry if the title of this post indicated that the subject would be about sex. I fully intended to get there, but ran long on words. Though under the surface it really is about sex, because we need this foundation of complementariness to begin to talk about our sexuality.
In a few more days I will have completed the next post about married sexuality, and hopefully answered the question “Why does he think about it all the time?”.
Until then, Blessings
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