In the home I grew up in criticism, pointed jokes and humorous put-downs were the notable form of communication. I don’t recall hearing “I love you” or seeing public displays of affection very often. In fact, by saying “not very often”, I am giving benefit to my doubt that I ever heard or saw affection communicated between my parents or siblings. Ouch. That hurt to say. And I suppose if my parents were to read this, they would disagree with my recollection. Fair enough. But the fact that what I can remember is criticism, and what I can’t remember are words of affirmation says volumes about the weight of the words we choose. Words mean things.
Pink Floyd’s The Wall tour is one of the few concerts I regret not attending. During the concert an enormous wall was constructed between the band and the audience, with the climax coming when the chant “tear down the wall” would finally bring the band back together with the audience as the bricks came down. The wall is powerful imagery for what we all do to insulate ourselves from the pain that life’s circumstances have dealt us. It also symbolizes the efforts we make to avoid intimacy. Most often, none of us realize what expert wall builders we are until we lose contact with those we care most about.
One such wall we humans build between ourselves is constructed of critical words.
“Just joking !”
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“You are too sensitive.”
“Can’t you take a little teasing?”
“It’s just words. You know I still love you.”
“You deserved that.”
Do any of these retorts sound familiar? They are just some of the ways we respond back when we get caught criticising. I wonder why critical words slide off the tongue so easily, and words of praise can literally choke off my voice.
I am personally familiar with another kind of criticism: the know-it-all comment. I am so guilty of this. Thankfully know-it-allness is not so ingrained in my thoughts today as it was when we first married, but I still wrestle with it from time to time. Maybe I am just better at it nowadays. For instance, I can give a great compliment for a job well done, then follow it up with a comment that hints that they could have done better in my eyes. “Great essay on The Grapes of Wrath, Michael. And I see you got an A: the teacher must really like you. I know you worked hard putting this together and it paid off with a great grade. You know, if I was grading this report, I would have liked to see a little more reference to Steinbeck’s upbringing in the Salinas Valley . . .” See how I slipped a bit of know-it-all into a perfectly good praise?
My wife grew up in a home that was quite a bit more affirming than mine, but they were not immune to critical comments, either. In this case the criticisms were not meant to be, but were taken that way nonetheless. Her younger brother, Doug, was blessed with a rather tall but wiry build. He was in great shape and very athletic during high school, but his skinny legs and knobby knees earned him the nickname toothpicks, or “picks” for short. It was fun to notice how thin his legs appeared in his baggy volleyball shorts. On a waterski, he appeared to be perched on matchsticks out there. Nobody meant to hurt his feelings, as everybody really loved Doug and his great outgoing personality. “Picks” hung on as a family nickname for a while. Then one evening at dinner he broke down in sobbing tears. Once he was able to gain control, he told the family “I can’t take my nickname anymore. My heart is so heavy it is about to burst (his words). I just feel like you are making fun of me all the time when you call me picks, and there is nothing I can do about it.” Unintended criticism and untended consequences.
I also see that I tend to be critical of other people’s extreme qualities. By extreme, I mean those traits that are at one end of the spectrum or the other. Like procrastination or a need to win at everything. Rarely do we pick apart someone’s averageness.
I think the bottom line on critical words is that they are said out of our own feelings of inferiority. Whether the put-downs are intentional or not, it is true that when we speak critically we fail to consider the other person’s perspective before our own. When I am considering -valuing- the feelings of my spouse or kids before my own, then criticism doesn’t come naturally; affirming words do.
I am not aware of a 12 step program to rid one’s self of critical words. I don’t know how one pulls on their own bootstraps to lift them out of the habit of criticism. When my kids were little, I was advised to take a long-range view of the issue. My Father in Law told me “By and large, kids don’t turn out much different than their parents, even though kids will swear that they would never do things like Mom or Dad did. Most of us just don’t have it in us to break the training we get as kids.” He further added, “Will you be one of the few dads whose kids will want to be like them when they grow up?” I think of this every day. Like it or not, I am their teacher of lifelong attitudes and values. They will likely forget most of what they learn in school, but cannot forget the value lessons they get at home.
Critical words build walls between loved ones. Division.
Words of affirmation build fortress walls around the ones we love. Unity.
What kind of walls are you determined to build for your family?
Blessings
Stumble It!