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Gather ‘round the easy chair, son, ‘cause Papa’s got a story to tell.

Now I know you already know about the birds and bees. (I don’t who the Sam Hill thought to call it that. I have never seen bees do it, but I know for sure that those birds are only doing it once a year. No thanks to that. But I digress . . .) 

There are some other facts of life that you need to know about and prepare for. 

Of course you all know that when a girl gets her first period, we call it Menarche. This milestone event grants the young woman the right to play the PMS card whenever she feels a bitchy inclination. Her period is basically a “get out of jail free” card. Fair enough, I suppose. I feel her pain if that bloaty feeling is anything like what I get 15 minutes after a really big meal at Chevy’s Tex-Mex. Sometimes, if I go all weekend without caffeine, I feel the need to strangle the breath out of anyone who whispers at me too loudly. If that withdrawl headache is anything like what my wife feels every month, then I surely sympathize with her PMS headache. 

Then, after many, many, many years of “Shark week” every month; her period stops. Well, it doesn’t just stop right away, but eventually it dwindles to nothing. We call this time of her life Menopause. Menopause presents its own mixed bag of blessings. On one hand, she bids adieu to all the Kotex paraphernalia but one the other hand, her hormones have regrouped for a new attack on her sanity. On one hand her sex drive may return in spades, on the other hand her husband might need Viagra to keep pace. 

You are probably feeling left out right about now. “I want a hormonal challenge, too” you might be thinking. “Why should women have all the fun?” 

Well, scoot closer, and let me tell you about your special “Man-time”. It is called Midlife Crisis, and I don’t want you to be surprised when it happens to you. In fact, I want you to be really prepared for it when it arrives. A guy never really knows when the blessing might fall on him, but it commonly happens between the ages of  40 and 60. I have even heard of a few men who have had it happen to them more than once.

I’ve got some tips for how to have a rip roaring Mid-life crisis. I want you to be prepared for this very special time and you might even want to print off this list and stick it to your fridge in case you might forget any points.

It is never too soon to begin getting yourself ready. 

Like they say in the Boy Scouts, “Be prepared”. You will want this time of your life to be special.

HOW TO HAVE A MIDLIFE CRISIS 

• Over-save for retirement. Plow all of your extra money into your 401k. Forget taking little weekend trips with your wife. Don’t waste money on flowers and such: She will surely agree that forgoing displays of affection until age 72 will make her happy. Don’t waste money on stuff like camping gear or fishing trips with the boys. They should understand that you need that dough for later.
• Look at porn. After all, the wifey is “settling” a bit after having those kids. And a guy has gotta look sometimes . . . Seriously, you will desire your wife all the more if you have a teenage airbrushed model in mind to compare her to. Even a little peeking at porn can help you build a strong marriage foundation that will really help you with your midlife crisis. I hear most wives secretly admire men who spank the monkey and look at dirty pictures at the same time.
• Pick up all the overtime work you can. Again, why hang out at home when you can be at work raising your tax bracket? The tight bonds your money forms with your family while you are at work can never be broken. Overtime pay gives you the ability to give those trinkets of love. You can give of your time later, after retirement.
•  Watch a lot of sports on TV.  Alternate: get really good on the Playstation. Yup, your mastery of sports trivia minutia  will go a long way towards a successful mid life crisis. Knowing Jose Canseco’s ring size gives a man a real sense of purpose in this world. Similarly, your ability to knock out Institutionalized on expert, with your eyes closed will surely make your transition into the crisis so much smoother.
• Keep your feelings bottled up. After all, this is what men do best. Why divulge your innermost thoughts when you can let them fester for years? There is no better path to a rip-roaring midlife crisis than letting your frustrations and expectations build up into some sort of emotional boil. I would recommend lancing it when there is lots of pressure built up inside. Makes quite a show, though cleanup is extensive.
• Grow a beer gut. Nothing like drinking with the guys, or alone in front of the tube to prepare one’s self for the Men-O-Pause. That gut is a symbol of my man-time spent away from my family. That Michelin Middle is a sure sign that the man wearing it prefers his Bud lite to his Little Buddy.
• Avoid Church. Who needs more conviction in their life, anyway? What if you met some guys there who would have the audacity to hold you to any sort of standards? This would not bode well for a successful Crisis. Besides, what if you actually got involved and people started to look up to you? How could you possibly pull off a crisis then?
• Buy a really big house. One that requires all of your Saturdays for yard work and maintenance. Men-O-Pause goes so much smoother when you are looking out at your perfectly manicured lawn from your wine cellar. The admiration of your colleagues is so totally worth the sacrifice.
• Be a really nice guy. That’s it . . . be a doormat for most of your life. Never say no to anyone and try to fulfill everyone else’s wishes.  Little compares to waking up to the reality of “my life as a doormat”. This guarantees a rocket launch into midlife crisis that could require a trip to the Ward. Extra points for pulling this one off.
• Hang out with your single buddies. That way you can be constantly reminded of all the fun you are missing out on when you are forced into a Date Night or worse yet, Family Game Night. Ugh. Your single friends know instinctively  how to pull off a midlife crisis, because most of them are living it already. I am sure you will serve as a role model for them.
• Avoid community service. Why hang out with those losers? They might remind me of how good I really have it at home. Visiting shut in seniors or tutoring inner city kids is certainly no way to nurse my well deserved breakdown. Besides getting a visceral reminder of my blessings, I might actually gain a greater sense of self worth by giving freely of my time to others.
• Be an Ogre. This way nobody in my family will want to be with me if not forced to. Feeling unloved and unappreciated is the spice of an expertly prepared crisis. By purposefully becoming an ogre, my grown kids will have no desire to come home to visit. In this way, the ogre’s pain also spills over to his wife, if she is still with him.  Ogre-like behavior typically forces the wife into activities outside the household, causing the ogre to feel even more unloved and disrespected. The resultant self-pity will serve up an especially delicious midlife banquet. Ogre behavior sets up an especially effective negative feedback loop, too.
• Eat a poor diet.  This way you might get to take prescription drugs for stuff like high blood pressure. BP meds often cause Erectile Dysfunction. Everyone knows that his penis is every man’s best friend, and what better way to destroy a man’s confidence than to take the wood out of Woody?

Now these are just a few ideas to set you on your way to a really successful Midlife crisis. I am sure you can come up with more. When you do, just email me. And don’t forget to tell  your friends, too.

Blessings

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