Here is an idea for you last-minute Mother’s Day shoppers. Give her a bottle of coconut oil.
I know, I am hopelessly romantic. “Aw gee, honey, you shouldn’t have . . . an economy size jug of glass cleaner.” “Look kids, daddy got mommy vacuum cleaner bags this year. Doesn’t mommy loooooove daddy for such creativity?”
Let me just tell you that this stuff is HOT. If used outside the kitchen.
Oh yeah, I am gonna tell you how to cook with this stuff even if you can’t boil water. You are gonna apply the coconut oil directly to HER BODY. With your hands. Oh yeah.
First off- what to buy. At your local natural foods store (I got ours at Henry’s) you can find Virgin Expeller Pressed Coconut Oil. I think the World of Wally might have something similar, too. I won’t take your time to describe the process of expeller pressing, except to say that I think it cuts down ALOT on the natural odor of the oil. The bottle is about the size of a bottle of canned peaches and cost about 9 bucks. It will last a really long time.
What to do with it: You are going to give your wife a full body massage. For at least an hour. C’mon stud, you can stand to have your hands all over for an hour can’t you? She is going to get a relaxing massage from toes to head.
A word of warning: This is for her. DO NOT expect a “happy ending” for yourself. I know that so much fleshly contact becomes hard for us guys after awhile, but you must prepare yourself ahead of time to not hope for conjugal contact. In fact, if you do this real well there is a good chance she will fall asleep. On the other hand, while I prepare you for no nookie, truth is that she probably will get really turned on so be ready to go with that flow, too.
Set the stage: Candles, flower petals in the bath water, a sloppy card . . . I dunno what works for you guys. But for Pete’s sake don’t just say “Wanna backrub?”. Set the scene. Ask her into your massage parlor. Draw a nice bath (after cleaning the tub first. Come to think of it, my wife gets turned on when I just think to clean the tub). Use mood lighting. For sure, get the room temperature so it is comfortable for her to stay unclothed without getting chilled. Wear something that is lightweight and comfortable for you (and sexy for her): You will likely break a sweat if you are doing this right. Music is nice. Pick up your nasty underwear from the bedside. Make sure the room is clean. Clutter-free leads to stress-free.
The massage table: Will probably be your bed. If she is most comfortable on the floor, go there. Lay down a couple of beach towels in case you get a little of the coconut oil where you shouldn’t. Just make sure that wherever you put her, you have comfortable access to all of her. You don’t want to aggravate your back by getting yourself all contorted.
Get started: Get her unclothed and laying facedown on the table. Start with her feet (This is why we began with a bath . . .). Now, the coconut oil is a funny substance. It is semi-solid when room temperature is below 72 degrees, but it becomes liquid above that. Also, a little goes a long way. One of the beauties of coconut oil is that it seems to stay slippery for a long time.
Another thing- Once you get started you must maintain physical contact with her at all times. No potty breaks for you. Always have at least one hand on her. I don’t know the shrinkology to back this up, but trust me. This means that you must prepare everything in advance and have it ready at your fingertips. Think through this before you start.
Work a little into your hands then get going with her toes. Take your time now, she is loving getting attention to her tootsies. After several minutes of this, work your way to her heels. Probably a firmer pressure is going to feel best. Do not tickle her. Do you hear me? NO TICKLING. This is a buzzkill. If done well, this massage experience will actually grow some confidence between you two-or you can tickle her and ruin it for her.
When you get to the calves of her legs you will likely have to concentrate on one leg at a time. Reapply oil as needed- but just enough to keep things slightly slick. Too much oil will likely feel icky to her. Press firmly and work towards her head. You can try varying pressure and maybe even dragging your fingertips or nails over her skin. Just stay real tuned in to her reactions. Ask her if whatever you are doing is feeling okay occasionally. You might even be able to get into a position that allows you to press her foot against your chest, allowing you to massage the front of her legs.
Now as you get to her thighs keep working the deep tissue massage. To get the inside of her thighs you will need to open her legs a bit. This is a great time to remind her that even if you touch her there accidentally, it is just a part of the full body experience. Don’t sexualize this. Don’t forget to work the outside of her legs, also.
By now, 10 or 15 minutes should have passed. Have a sip of the water you thought to set close by, but don’t stop rubbing with the other hand.
The Hiney- Work it good. Very firm pressure is good. These are large, strong muscles that can take a squeezing. Don’t forget to keep up a dialog about how beautiful she is and how much you are enjoying this. Work down the crack a bit, but do not cross her personal boundaries. If you aren’t sure if she would like you to touch her in this sensitive area, then I would say don’t go there. On the other hand, she just took a bath and everything is clean . . . Just pay attention to her body language is all I’m saying. She probably won’t feel too experimental this go-around, but if you do this full body massage right- well, there is always next time.
Work your way slowly up the back, paying lots of attention to her lower back and moving often back to her butt. Many women experience lower back pain and this attention to the small of her back will work wonders for her. Lots of tension is stored in the back, from the shoulders to the glutes. A good back massage can literally release stress from her life.
You can alternate between light and firm pressure, but don’t be schitzo about it. Do firm strokes over and over long enough to establish a rhythm, then switch to a light touch. Straddle her now, if you need to (just keep you pants on, please). Use your hands to make circles on her skin, pushing the tension from the spine out towards her sides. Don’t do the karate chop thing here, unless she specifically requests it.
Ask her how she is doing. You should keep up a bit of conversation during the massage, just to help you keep verbally connected. But don’t make small-talk. All conversation should be geared toward her. Allow for many quiet times so that she can stay in the moment.
By the time you get to her shoulders, about 40 minutes should have elapsed. Work the tension out of her shoulders for five minutes or so, always keeping just a thin film of coconut oil on her skin.
Now, as you get to her head, you will need to get most of the coconut oil off of your hands because you are going to spend about 10 minutes massaging her scalp. Again, vary light fingertip pressure with firmer massaging. Work around to her forehead, avoiding getting the oil on her face.
As you can see, you are nearly an hour into this and you have not even gotten to the front side. I know, I know- this is where the goodies are. Unfortunately, she probably doesn’t store any stress in her breasts. Not to say that your massage can’t continue on to the front . . . Ask her if she would like to turn over and get some front side massage. Go for it as long as she wants.
The wrap-up: You have given her a petty inexpensive gift that she will remember for a long time, and will hopefully ask for again. Thank her for allowing you to spend so much time touching her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Give her a clean towel to wipe off any excess coconut oil, or lead her to the shower. If the massage ended with an offer of conjugation, by all means: go for it! But please, (and I know by this time you will very excited and might become, shall we say: quick) remember this is FOR HER. Make sure she gets a happy ending before you do.
A couple of words about coconut oil: For most people it doesn’t irritate those sensitive tissues, In fact it can be a great, inexpensive substitute for K-Y or other lubricants. Don’t assume, though. Try it out slowly before you go all-in.
Coconut oil should be non-staining of your sheets. But lay down towels just in case.
The very subtle aroma is quite nice.
It is inexpensive.
It is a great moisturizer.
It is condom-safe.
It tastes pretty good. ‘Nuff said here?
Blessings
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