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What to do about the perennial “Does this make my butt look big?” type questions:

As fun as it could be, I am not going to spin my wheels cracking jokes and thinking up snappy come-backs. Maybe another time.

Are you tired of wearing that deer-in-the-headlights look every time she asks those trick(y) questions? Sick of saying the wrong thing? Read on, my friend: there’s hope yet.

I hope to clarify in our minds a basic, but often forgotten truth: we think differently than our wives. This is a Mac vs PC issue. Our brains process stuff totally differently. Failure to account for our differences is the primary cause of quick trips to the flower shop.

“Duh. I already knew that.”

Good, now step 2: Apply this knowledge of our differences to save your sorry heinie from making stupid responses to tricky questions.

Let’s review the basics of our unique thought processes: (and may I just generalize to simplify things?)

WIFE: Thinks in terms of relationship building. Nurturing. How words make others feel. Nesting. Basic insecurity about her body image. Notices you noticing other women and thinks she is being compared. Connecting emotionally is highly valued. Marks important dates on the calendar so she can Hallmark bond.

HUSBAND: Visual and tactile oriented. Hoards alone time. Notices other women. Notices his woman. Reads wife’s calendar a day late. Fixer of things. Conserver of words. Contemplates any and all opportunities for sex no matter how far fetched.

OK, now that I have overgeneralized; let’s get to the meat of the matter. What is the RIGHT response to the “butt question”? Sorry, you don’t get off so easy. There is no one right answer, and the right answer today is probably not right the next time she asks.

But there is a right way to think about the question- and it goes back to our differences in how we process thought. Remember? You are thinking like a man, and that is why your answers usually get you in trouble.

The question only sounds like she said, “does my butt look big?” What she REALLY meant to say was “I saw you glance at Sarah’s butt yesterday and I know hers is small and tight and she hasn’t had kids how dare you compare me to her. I see the cellulite, do you still think I am hot? How I look to you is important to me and I want reassurance that you don’t just love me for my body. I really think I am fat I bet you are sorry you married me. Please say something that tells me that you are deeply emotionally connected to me. I feel guilty for asking you this question, but please get it right.”

And what does Mr. typical guy say? “Uhhhhhhhh. Looks fine to me.”

No wonder she won’t do it with the lights on.

Dude, she knows exactly what her a$$ looks like. That is not the question. Well, maybe it is 10% of it. SHE IS ASKING YOU A RELATIONAL QUESTION BECAUSE HER BRAIN IS WIRED RELATIONALLY.

Answer her real question for a change. Try something like this (YMMV) “Funny you should mention your ass just now, because I have been thinking about it all day. And smiling every time I picture you running around the house chasing the kids, reading books, and fixing their cheese sammiches. I picture your cute heinie as you push a shopping cart of kids around the grocery store, carefully picking out the food that you know will please all of us. Today, I imagined your butt wiggling like it does as you did the “underdoggie” for the kids at the swings. I need you to know that you and your butt turn me on, and I am so thankful that you are my wife. I am wildly in love with all of you. I am the luckiest man ever.”

There. You answered her question.

Stretch marks have prompted more than my fair share of tricky questions. The tough thing about stretch marks is that she can’t do anything to get rid of them. Baby fat can be dieted away, but the stretchies are here to stay. When asked about them, I usually just said that they didn’t bother me. I just accepted them as a normal part of bearing children. No biggie to me.

After getting the same question asked of me over and over through the years, I finally figured out that I wasn’t speaking her language: I was leaving the issue unresolved in her mind by my half-answers. So I decided to prepare an answer that would answer her woman question.

Next time she asked what I thought about her stretch marks, I was prepared. I considered her question woman style. “Honey, I notice you like to set out our Snapfish books and old photo albums on the counters, and that you like to put family pictures on the wall. Why do you display those things?” I queried.

“Because I like to keep those memories fresh. Looking at those things reminds me of where we have been as a family.”

“And this is exactly how I feel about your stretchmarks. They are nothing but beautiful because they are mementos of our family. They give me reminders of all of your pregnancies, and the fun times we had with that baby belly. They remind me of the tough times, too. But that is okay, ’cause we stuck together. All are reminders of the story of our family. For me to wish the stretchies away is to, in a sense, wish away our memories together. I suppose they are like a roadmap of our relationship. I didn’t expect that your body would always look 21. I am honored that you have shared it with me and our kids, and the little marks are just testament to your devotion to us. They cause me to love you more deeply. It is our relationship written on your skin. They enhance your beauty.”

She got it. I just had to learn wife-think to get my feelings across.

Trying to “wife-think” doesn’t come naturally for me. I find that I make a lot of “man-speak” errors before I remember to put on my “wife-think” cap. Being Mr. Fix-it is especially problematic for me. Seems I never know when she just wants me to listen to her spill her guts, or if she wants me to take control and fix things. Rarely do I get this right.

Now I just ask. After I sense that enough communicating time has gone by, I ask the question. “Honey, I could sit here and talk about this all day if that is what you want. Are you needing to vent right now, or were you hoping that I would take the burden from you and fix-it?” Not romantic, but being direct seems to work OK with her wife-think processing. Maybe she just understands that I am only a man trying to get inside her head.

One more example of wife-think: Shopping with her. Ugh. “Honey, I am going clothes shopping, do you want to come and help me out?

Could a question be any more loaded for bear?

Your man-brain shouts “HALLELUJAH ! ! ! Take as long as you need. I will just be here in my boxers flipping between the Sci-Fi channel and ESPN. Have a good time, dear. Promise I will clean up the kitchen while you are at the mall. Lord, how I hate to be left standing outside the changing rooms of endless clothing stores while you leave piles of ill fitting garments for the poor girl to put away for you. And why do you never show me any of the stuff you try on in that dressing room anyway? And besides, you never take my advise. ”

Ahhhh . . . but we are more sophisticated now. Before answering, the newly enlightened man thinks to himself, ” She never asks me to shop with her anymore because I always made such a fuss and pouted at the dressing room door. Wonder why she is trying again to get me to go with her. Could it be that she values my opinion? Could it be that she wants to dress to please ME?

BINGO ! ! ! Give the man his prize! Shopping can be a realtionship building exercise!

“Sure honey, I would love to go shopping with you.” Now, you probably are not aware of this, but there is a corollary to the Biblical admonition to never lie. It recognizes that a man can say such foolishness if it is intended to better the relationship. Technically this is not a lie. Of course you would rather catch the game. But your motives are pure. You are forgiven.

The next problem is that you know she will ask your opinion about if some top will match some pair of shoes you never noticed she even owned. She always asks and you always sport that deer in the headlights look. Not this time, man. We have a plan.

“Are you going to look for anything in particular, dear?”

“We are going over to the Smiths tomorrow night and I need a top to go with my khaki shorts.”

At this juncture, you tell her that you need to use the restroom before you go. You don’t need to go: you need to do some reconnaissance. Find her khaki shorts and memorize them. Pleats? Taper leg? Shade of khaki? Does it need a belt? Solid or pattern to it? How high above the knee does the material stop? What shoes does she wear with them? Commit her closet to memory as best you can.

Casually, as you are helping her into the car, ask her what shoes she plans to wear with this outfit. If you paid attention to her closet, you will be able to say something like, “Oh, are you talking about the brown leather ones with the little heel or the more open toed flats with the little round brass ring thing on the top? Expect a quiet ride to the mall as she tries to figure you out. You are on your game.

Once you get parked and into the clothing store, help her shop. You have a picture in your mind of what she is shopping for because you reconned the closet. Don’t be afraid to grab several tops from racks and give them to her to try on. Ask her to try them on and come out of the dressing room to show you each one. Give her your honest opinion. Make this important to you.

You might sense that she isn’t happy about the selection in this particular store, but she knows from experience that you are not patient enough to wander into yet another women’s clothing store. Take the lead: “I think we need to try another store. I can see that you are not thrilled with what you are seeing here. Which one is your next favorite?”This is so your game.

And stick with it. Enjoy being with her. Compliment her figure. Tell her why one thing looks better than another. Do not complain about the price. Stop and get a frozen yogurt. Never hint that you are missing the game on TV. Appreciate the fact that she wants her clothes to please you. You, my man, are melting her heart. Tell her that you actually surprised yourself at how much you have enjoyed shopping with her. You would like to do it again (forgiven).

I guarantee that your little foray into wife-think will motivate her to do some husband-think for herself. She knows what is perpetually on your mind. By the end of this evening, there is not a chance that you will regret missing the game on TV.

Besides, you were so on your game today. You remembered to Tivo.

Blessings