I was having lunch in a fast food “restaurant” the other day when a conflict arose between a little girl and her mom. They were on the other side of a partition, so I could only hear the exchange. I have no idea what the original conflict was about, but at this point the mom just wanted the daughter, who had wandered away, to come back to the table so they didn’t have to broadcast their dispute to all the patrons. Must not have occurred to mom that she could stand up and go get her little girl.
“No Mommy, I don’t want to”, was said in an obvious not inside voice.
“Angelica, come here to mommy right now” said an exasperated and embarrassed mother in forced hushed tones.
“No.”
“Angelica, mommy wants you to walk right back over here right now.”
“Angelica…”
Silence.
“Honey, will you please come closer so mommy can talk to you?”
“I don’t wanna.”
Silence.
“Angelica, don’t make me count.”
“No wanna do.”
“Alright then, mommy is just going to have to count. Do you want to be in trouble? Please don’t make mommy count.”
Silence.
“Mommy’s going to count then. See how you like being in trouble.”
“One.”
“See, now mommy is counting. Are you ready to obey mommy?”
Screaming: “I no wanna doooooo.”
“Honey, mommy is counting now. If you don’t come to me you will get in trouble.”
“Two.”
. . . .
“Three. . . See, now I am at three. Okay, okay, mommy sees you moved closer to her. I will give Angelica until FIVE now before she is in trouble.”
. . . .
“Four.”
. . . .
“Five.”
“Did you hear mommy say five?”
. . . .
“Okay, there now. See that wasn’t so hard to walk back to mommy. That’s a good girl. Should we pick out an ice cream for the good girl before we go home?”
I wasn’t looking at my watch, but I bet this little tug-o-war took at least 3 minutes.
Who won?
I really felt for this frustrated Mom as she was wrestling for power and control with her preschooler. I am sure that she wanted to just have a simple meal that didn’t require doing dishes afterward. And the Mom was obviously trying to be considerate of the other customers who were trying to enjoy their meals, too.
A lot of parents fall into the counting trap. We sure did.
Looking back, I can’t think of one good reason to give a grace count after a parent has instructed a child to obey in some particular way. Perhaps this sounds rigid and dogmatic to you; but does “counting” mimic anything in real life? Do you get a 5-count to get that operations report into your boss? Is there a 3-count for running red lights?
Expecting our children to obey right away is only fair to the child. Said another way, allowing a grace count while a child decides whether or not it is worth it to bend his will to mommy is bad parenting. Here are a few reasons why I make this claim:
- Counting is lying. Every time a parent gives this particular kind of “grace” to a child, it says to the child, “I didn’t really mean what I told you. Take your time and explore ways to get around my request.” The payoff comes much later in life when you will hope to convince this child that alcohol, drugs, skipping school and premarital sex are bad ideas for a 13 year old. He will naturally assume that he gets a 5-count for this stuff, too.
- Counting encourages kids to test the limits of authority. To a small child, the ultimate authority of the universe is Mom and Dad. When parents cause a child to believe that it is okay to delay submission, it is reasonable to assume they will carry those beliefs into their thoughts about God and other authority figures in life. We should be encouraging kids to press the limits in life, but certainly not against parental authority.
- Counting creates a “winner” mentality where it doesn’t belong. Of course we want to foster a positive self image in our little ones. But do I really want to make each act of obedience into a “win or lose” proposition? Think about my Angelica example: she “won” on several levels, including being rewarded with an ice cream. Winning feels good. Guess how high mommy will have to count next time? But let’s say that Angelica’s mommy gave Angelica some discipline for forcing her to count and Angelica apologizes to mommy. Now mommy wins the 5-count war, which is a hollow victory also. It would be best if “winner-loser” didn’t even get injected in discipline issues. Make ‘em winners on the sports field and in school.
- Counting increases frustration for the parent. Now ask yourself the question, “Why did we choose to have kids?” Was your answer, “Because I need bigger ulcers and I love to hear word NO repeated incessantly”? Of course not: we have kids because we want to share in the joy they provide. Sure we know that challenges are naturally a part of child rearing. But why introduce extra frustration on purpose? Poor behavior is reinforced when a child sees that mom or dad won’t mean what they say for a while longer. Wanna hear and see “NO” more often?:Put off consequences. Counting indicates your willingness to accept extended disobedience.
- Counting diminishes the authority of parents. Parenting is a wonderful mixture of fun, hard work, some tears, pride, and many more ingredients. Seems that the parental authority ingredient often gets substituted by some weaker value. Kids need the security and structure of overarching authority if they are to develop into balanced adults. Parents need to carefully tread the beam between iron-fistedness and best-buddyness, but must ensure that the child does not mistake himself as the authority figure in the home.
There is no harder job than being a good parent. Why make it even harder by offering a grace count in response to your child’s willful disobedience? Really, you will notice a lot less tension (in you and your child) once this kind of tug-o-war is eliminated from your child-training and discipline efforts.
Blessings
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