Arm’s Length Loving
My Tool Room resembles my marriage.
Under the house is our car garage and off to the side is a little room that measures roughly 7 feet wide and 12 feet long. We call it the Tool Room because that is where those implements of manly creativity and fixitivity reside. I know I am fortunate to even have such a room, as this kind of extra space is a luxury in many homes.
The problem with the Tool Room is the frantic pace of life we lead. Seems every home repair or honey-do is performed on the run. There’s never time to put stuff back where it belongs, so things just get piled up on and in front of the workbench. As stuff piles up, the workbench and the tools needed for the next project get more hopelessly buried . Often I forget what tools I’ve got and repurchase supplies I already own. It doesn’t take long for the whole family to begin using the Tool Room as the default repository for Everything That I Want To Save But Don’t Know What To Do With.
Just yesterday, I found myself in the Tool Room, unable to get closer than 3 feet away from the bench and having to manually bulldoze to clear a spot for a little project I was doing. There was crap everywhere: on the floor and heaped onto the workbench. And I ended up getting frustrated as my back began to ache from having to lean over so far due to so much crap between me and the workbench.
Of course, I didn’t take a bit of time to clean up any of the mess. In fact I left things a little worse than I found them, because I just didn’t have the time or inclination to do anything about it. It will be worse next time I go down there to honeydo something. For sure.
I am guilty of letting my marriage get cluttered up, too.
Just a little, subtle criticism heaped into that corner.
A couple nights a week of overtime at work and missing dinner together.
Mid-week Bible study and coffee with friends until bedtime.
Ignoring the bad attitude of one of my kids toward my wife.
Forgetting to passionately kiss her when I get home in the evening.
Not initiating small talk.
Forgetting to compliment her on the comfortable home she maintains.
Leaving the seat up, so she can splashdown early in the morning.
Complimenting that hottie on TV.
Not initiating sex.
Not saying “I love you” with emphasis.
Catching the TV news instead of her news.
Leaving her to help with all the homework.
Forgetting to plan a night out together.
Avoiding going to bed at the same time.
Leaving my underwear next to the hamper.
OK, you’ve probably gotten the idea here- There are a thousand ways to clutter a relationship. Any one or two of them can be fairly ignored. But let ‘em pile up too deep and you are headed for a breakdown. I do let stuff (issues, anger, frustrations, criticism, lonliness) pile up between us until we cannot stand close enough to connect any more.
I end up attempting Arm’s Length Loving. Just like down in the Tool Room, we don’t get much accomplished when too much junk has accumulated between us.
Usually, before we are able to get close again, we need to declutter. We must clear out all the little insignificant issues that have piled up into a monster. Often, the cleanup becomes an all day affair. And we promise ourselves that we will never let stuff pile up like that again.
Here is my question for you men- What would your wife say about Arm’s Length Loving? Is there any of it going on between you two right now? You might not even recognize it, but I will bet your wife is aware of all the clutter between you.
Care to initiate a little Summer cleaning? Tonight?
Filed under the heading of Manly Leadership No Matter How Uncomfortable It Might Be: Commit to declutter your marriage starting tonight. Do the manly thing and get started. It will go so much smoother for you if YOU initiate this, not your wife.
The hardest part is getting started.
Blessings
Tags: communication
Stumble It!
June 20th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
We are really pretty clutter free right now but it has not always been that way. We started collecting clutter even before we were married. It started with parent clutter. I married an only child whose mom was duct taped to her son with guilt coated duct tape. I shined the light on the clutter for years and years as it piled up but it really was easier for him to ignore me than to ignore his mom. I gave up pointing it out.
The paretn problem started the clutter but years of a difficult son added to it. Then we turned around and couldn’t get close enough to touch, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to touch either. After all I wasn’t worth standing up to mom for. The hurt in my heart went very deep. I don’t believe he knew how hurt I was. We started the long cleaning out process and cleared the area. Now we can reach each other. He continues to pull the duct tape off that his mom tries to wrap around them but now he recognizes it and pulls it off before it sets up. Believe it or not his mom and dad moved from 800 miles away to three houses up the street from us about 6 years ago. Good times (not). It has been good for me to see him set some boundaries with her. He had no idea what he and his mom were doing to our relationship. Everybody loves Raymond has nothing on me! I seem like a soap opera. See why I need God in my life? he he he. :O)
June 21st, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Great post. Declutter is a theme on my site and it is VERY near and dear to my heart. I never gave my marriage a thought though, when it came to simplifying. The idea of “cleaning up after yourself” is a very interesting one. I will be thinking about this post the next time I feel I am mucking up my marriage. Thanks for the great insight…kevin
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:07 am
@Laurie- My wife enforces the 1 year rule around our house. If something hasn’t been used for over a year it gets thrown out or given away. Just last month, I lost my collection of silk ties. She thought I wouldn’t notice.
We do work hard at keeping clutter-free in the emotional department, also. This takes a lot of effort, but sure keeps the relationship running smoothly.
@Kevin- I do just tend to allow “stuff” to lay around within my relationship. I suppose that I assume that if she doesn’t complain then I am doing okay by her. My wife is patient, and that may not work to her advantage since I tend to let the junk pile up. Spring cleaning feels so good once we are done, though.
Thanks for stopping by.