Fighting Words
Unless you are super-human, it is a fair guess that you have had a row or two with you spouse. In fact I would say it is normal and even unhealthy to have never had a disagreement with your better half. I cannot fathom a man and wife who don’t have any differences; you may as well have married yourself (Which seems the next likely step as our culture races backward toward anarchy).
This post is not to debate the merits of arguing, but to assess the impact marital strife has on our kids. Neither am I going to delve into the joy of makeup sex, which is an unintended consequence of retractance (sp?) (a word?) of said fighting words.
Let me say at once that the Postmistress and I rarely fight any more. The little censor guy in my head has gotten well practiced at shutting down the oral circuitry prior to allowing most stupidry to escape. Forced lengual shutdown is a learned survival skill for most men, and it is the reason most of our friends would say that I am a pretty quiet guy.
I am really just curious about what our children think about when Mom and Dad fight. And PUH-lease don’t kid yourself into believing they don’t know what is going on. They do. It is their job.
Likely the greatest common fear of children is that their parents will split up. Have you talked to your kids about divorce yet? I don’t know of a family that it hasn’t touched. Seeing parents fight is stressful enough, but imagining that it could lead to a breakup of the family is certainly in the minds of your children. Specifically, have you talked openly about why adults disagree and reassured them that you are staying together even though mom and dad disagree sometimes?
Or do you just try to go about life as if nothing is wrong, except that your guts are in full boil? Do you really think that the kids don’t notice that mommy keeps a wide berth of daddy? Think they don’t see your smile turn upside down as soon as mom enters the room? Are sure that they can’t feel the tension between the parents?
Talk to your kids about your disagreements after things cool down a bit. (And I am thinking of children of basic reasoning age: maybe 4 or 5 as a start). Make a pact between yourselves as parents that you will be appropriately open with the children about the disagreements that spill out into the home. If you are sure that a particular disagreement has not been picked up on the kiddy radar, then keep it private. Agree to talk with the kids together, as a couple.
By agreeing ahead of time to spill the beans to the kids you create a type of fight filter. Knowing that the spat might go before the juvenile judges tends to moderate the amplitude of our emotions. I am not saying to ask their opinion of our relationship; I am saying that they need an age appropriate childlike explanation for the reason Mom and Dad’s stress has splattered onto them.
Before talking to the kids, get on the same page about what exactly you will share with them. This is a good make-up tool for the parents, and might help to ensure that this fight doesn’t happen again. Don’t give any gory details or too much personal feelings. Certainly don’t dredge up “he said/she said”. They just need reassurance that the most important people in their lives are committed to working things out.
Lest I sound too kid-centric; hear me out. In no way should parents give up any of their God ordained authority in the home. Parents are called to raise, discipline, and disciple their kids. That is not the issue here. In fact, I would say that bickering parents are more susceptible to a kiddie-coup than those who present a united front. They will play you against each other if they see advantage for themselves.
If my kids see that good parents can occasionally disagree but still retain love and respect for each other, then I think a major lesson has been taught. Isn’t it good to set reasonable expectations about marriage and model positive tools for conflict resolution?
Whaddya think? Give me your opinion about becoming this transparent with your children.
Blessings
Tags: fighting parents
Stumble It!
June 25th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I wish I had been better at this. Unfortunately, most of our disagreements were about the difficult child and yes this child was an artist at the divide and concur method of manipulation. I am much better now with this now that my boys are older.
My hub’s parents fought. Actually, his dad yelled and screamed crazy stuff and his mom put on her victim suit and took the verbal abuse. My hub tells the story that his mom said that if it hadn’t been for having my hub, she would have left her spouse a long time before. I think my hub was about 12 or so when he found out he was the cause of his mom’s misery. How sweet to make those lasting memories!
June 26th, 2008 at 7:43 am
@Laurie - Never saw my parents fight. Not saying that things were great at home, I think they just didn’t care enough to get upset about anything, if that makes sense. There was lots of passive-aggressive manipulation going on.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I think the passive agressive way is what people do when they don’t want to take responsibility for themselves. They have to hide and manipulate in getting their needs met.