Regrets and a Funeral
Apologies for the thin posting . . .
The wife and I are attending the funeral for one of her close friends today at noon. The past week has been crazy and sad. We are not so much sad for Ro: she is walking with her savior now. Death was a blessed relief for her. Cancer beat her, and it beat her really bad. She went through all of the treatment options, including surgery and experimental chemo. In the last month, she lost something like a pound a day of weight.
Ro left this life carrying regrets. I think that is why we still cry when we think of her. She was always sunny of disposition and wanting to crack a joke or play a prank even if the pain of her tumors forced her to medicate. Ro had a big, sunny Irish smile. But Ro’s sunny-side point of view could not overcome the darker, isolationary tendencies of her husband. Sunny girl versus thundercloud man.
Our friend regretted her choice of a mate. And that choice begat other people who will carry on the battle between sunny little girl smiles and a dark disposition dad. Enough said about that for now.
I guess I just wanted to say something about choices and regrets today.
By and large, if we have or carry around any regrets it is due to choices we have made of our own free will. Sometimes regrets spring surprisingly at us like a snake out of tall grass- but even then we are the one who chose to walk unprotected in dangerous territory. Looking back, after being bitten, it is so easy to say “I should have stayed on the path or brought the dogs that day or worn my tall snake proof boots. Then I wouldn’t be in the painful situation I am in today.” And you were just taking the shortcut to save a little time at the other end.
Hindsight.
Now foresight is another matter altogether. In Ro’s case she probably knew better than to choose who she did, but she wanted to be loved by a man and she wanted to be married. She wanted children. Well, she got the kids at least. Ro was married in a ceremony, but never married in life: no “one flesh”, no emotional bonding, no affection. Love was only a word with no feeling or enthusiasm to it. No hugs. No “me and you against the world”.
Ro didn’t vet her choice well. She rushed into something that felt like it could maybe turn into something good. She couldn’t wait a while to get confirmation that this man would be the best one to meet her needs. She could and should have.
And this is so true for all of us- not necessarily in the arena of choices of a mate. I doubt very few have chosen as poorly as our friend did. But we all make choices every day that pay long term dividends, often in ways that we never took time to consider.
Time to consider.
“This deal won’t be here tomorrow. You had better snap it up today before someone else does. Price goes up after tonight.” No doubt you have heard phrases like these. And how often has that “deal” gone away like the nice salesman said it would? Rarely. Often that 10 percent off turns into 20 percent off if you are willing to wait it out. We proved this out last summer when my son wanted to buy a truck off the dealer lot. He made a lowball offer that was rejected. He wanted that truck and was willing to raise his offer . Dad recommended he wait it out. He did wait, and that same pickup was still there a month later. ( He agonized daily over this ’cause he really wanted that truck). He ended up getting what he wanted and paying even less than he had originally offered. The payments are very much in his budget.
Most of life is like this, too. We allow ourselves to feel pressure to make snap decisions about stuff that has long term consequences. I said we allow ourselves to feel the pressure. We don’t allow ourselves time to consider.
Regrets are conceived when fools rush in.
So I throw this out there . . . Are you carrying around any regrets? Watching Ro die, we saw that the pain of her regrets was so much more profound that any pain the tumors and cancer caused. Morphine could dull the strangling pressure of tumors pressing on her heart and lungs. Nothing could take away the hurt she lived as a consequence of poor choices.
Do you need to make right a regret? Perhaps there is a life choice that was made in haste that I could go back and make right. A busted friendship? Critical words to a loved one? Too few hugs given? Ro waited too long.
I can get so caught up in the moment- earning and saving, climbing the ladder, acting selfishly, whatever- that I don’t consider what regrets I am giving birth to.
I am taking stock of things now. What regrets might I be innocently feeding today, only to reap a surprise regret later? Do I have right time priorities . . . meaning will my kids,when grown, feel that I made them a time priority? When the kids are gone have I nurtured a marriage that will survive the empty nest? Have I loved lavishly?
Here is to letting go of regrets.
Blessings
Tags: funeral for a friend
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June 14th, 2008 at 3:33 am
I am sorry for the loss of your friend! I completely agree with you on finding ways to let go of regret as I have met those who revel in regret and find that there are even times when I may even do this to a point. In losing someone (as I have in the past) I think I have found, like you that I do start questionig my own values, beliefs and life in general. We just had one of our neighbors die and he was ony 57…makes me look at things a bit differently… especially in regards to as you say living life without regret.
June 14th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Sorry for the bad news.
June 14th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I was having some pretty big regrets in that my marriage wasn’t like what I had hoped for. It wasn’t nearly all I knew marriages could be and what I had gone through in the past was just too hard. I did have regret. I was on the edge looking over the choices I had. Instead of ending my marriage, I intentionally sought to make it better. It has and is hard work but well worth it. I am not regretting it any more BUT would I do it all over again? No, I would do it differently either differnently with this guy changing things right from the beginning, or with someone else. We do jump into things before we know what we’re in for. I call it being young and dumb.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:22 am
@DoD- You are so right about death causing us to relook at life and its meaning. I am there right now.
@XB- Thanks for your condolences.
@Lauarie-Young and dumb has lead to older and wiser! (And I use the word “older” advisedly). Sounds like you have been through a lot in your marriage, yet you have come out a better person by choice. I would say “No regrets” to that.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:42 am
I agree. :O)