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On the con side of the column, for me, is that I get jealous of the babies. Sorry if that sounds evil of me. My pride wouldn’t allow me to admit it at the time, but in hindsight I struggled with sharing so much of my wife with another person. How could I confide in her that I needed her time as much as the little one did? I thought we married because  we wanted to devote our energies to one another- and I get aced out by my own kid. I felt creepy for feeling this way. I could never risk confiding this to her at the time.
I think I knew that children would be an enormous energy drain, but I never imagined that she would have no reserve left at the end of the day. On my motorcycle there are 3 settings on the fuel tank- off, on, and reserve. You NEVER set the fuel tank valve to reserve because that means you could accidentally burn through all your fuel and find yourself out of gas far from camp. Allowing a little reserve in the tank means you always get home under power.
Wives don’t have a reserve setting. At least not mine.Â
 It seems to be in their nature to go full speed through the day and then run out of gas before they get back to camp. I found myself towing home a spent-out wife far too many times. If you have ever tried to tow a motorcycle with another motorcycle through the rocky desert you know how bloodied both riders can get.
Besides no longer being the focus of my wife’s energies, I found that I no longer made the list anymore. You probably know which list I mean- the list of priorities of who gets what taken care of before she drifts into an exhaustive coma. I fell clean off into nothingness. I guess she figured that if I was a big enough boy to make this baby I was big enough to take care of myself. Let me tell you Jack, that there lots of things I can do for myself quite well, but there’s one that she does best. I missed being on the list.
Let’s talk about time spent showing off the baby:. It seemed that an inordinate amount of her attention went into playdates and other-mommy bonding time. I underestimated the need of moms to get together and compare growth charts, swap Barney tapes, anticipate first teeth and the like. I was jealous of that time spent apart from me. It seemed to me that she could rework her schedule so that there was some time left for me, if she wanted. Call me delisted.
And then the Mother-in-Law time. Sheesh, you would think that she got enough of her mom growing up. But nooo, my wife needs to get advice from MIL about everything. “What formula should I try? Which diapers are best? What would you do about this or that? How long do you think we should wait before we have more?” . They talked on the phone all the time. (Now hear me right here- I truly love my wife’s mom. My wife has many of her mom’s great qualities and I am proud of them both.) I’m just saying that I was jealous of their closeness. It seemed to me that our baby drew them closer together; and where was I? Off the list.
Did I complain? Not that I can remember. I recall just thinking that becoming a fifth wheel to my wife and her baby was just a normal part of life. I figured that we would move through this season of our lives and then get back to being a couple again. I assumed that it was my job to be quiet about my hopes for us and silently endure my feelings of lack of intimacy. Honestly I never thought to talk about this because I really had it in my mind that she was feeling lonely like me and likewise was waiting for the day we could be us again.
Fast forward many years and four children- The us never came back.
I talk a little about the resultant meltdown here.
 Oh yeah we were happy enough with each other. We were still in love. We still liked being together and doing stuff together. We were best friends. Our kids were doing great. And I grew more dissatisfied as time went on. Not dissatisfied with her, but with, well . . . I was just unhappy and couldn’t quite place why.
And I became jealous of any time she spent with anyone else. I didn’t say anything to her about it, but instead buried the jealous feelings inside me. Stuffing my feelings caused me to become sullen often, and I would sometimes appear grumpy. Meeting her needs became a struggle as I felt that I was only being given sloppy seconds.
Sounding familiar to anyone? Is there any man out there who has also felt jealous of his child?
Thought so.
Are you going to do anything about it, or are you just going to let your frustration fester? I wish I had the guts to talk about my feelings much much sooner in our marriage. We missed out on a lot of good times because I was too chicken to share my little secret about being jealous of the kids.
She told me that, too. Said that she couldn’t understand why I would not be able to tell her. BUT, she appreciated it when I finally got the courage to say it.
 When are you going to tell her? How long will you let your frustration get in the way of having a closer and more fulfilling marriage? I don’t think she will bite your head off for bringing it up. Likely, she will be relieved to know that you still need and care for her like you used to.Â
Tell her tonight. Tell her.
Take it from a man who has been there and won’t go back again. Tell her.
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BlessingsÂ
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Stumble It!
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Well said? Great information, keep up the great work!
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:10 pm
You sound like my hub. He felt the same way. I sound like your wife, no energy, no sex on the list of things to do, well ok in a couple of weeks, out of pity, and can I be somewhere else in my head, cause I just am not really into it. That’s what it felt like to me. I didn’t want to do anything but sleep and find something that would make me feel good. I felt frumpy. I had gained weight with the whole baby thing. I looked forward to all the weight I heard I would lose during breast feeding but noooooo, not this gal. She even gained more weight.
I was also the target of the mother in law who judged everything I did. I mean did she think she was the perfect mother? Look at this guy I married, not the best product of mothering so why is she judging me? Why would I want to have sex with the judge’s son?
Why couldn’t the hub just romance me? Why was it necessary to ALWAYS take the babies with us? Wasn’t I worth a sitter to go somewhere and get wild? You might have gotten sex then!
Ahhhh yes, counseling is good for the marriage. To let go of those things and get on with it is a good thing. Now that I’ve been able to let the past stay in the past, and my kids are teens who like to spend the night with friends, the hub is singing a differnt tune and so am I. Would I back up and have another baby? Just give me a gun!
June 24th, 2008 at 6:25 am
@Laurie- My mom (her MIL) is the same way as yours. She is judgmental, so I just choose to not be around her. We see my parents maybe 2 or 3 times a year.
Yea, she struggles with getting back to her pre-baby weight, too. But I am good with it, especially since our frequency has gotten so much better.
Pregnancies were REALLY hard on her- 7 months of barfing and swelling! She would adopt in a heartbeat, though. It is just soooo expensive.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Can you say it’s baby fat if your baby is 16? At this stage in our marriage, I am enjoying having a bit more freedom to take off with the hub an not worry about kiddos. It has brought us closer as a couple.
My in-laws moved three houses up the street. Lucky us! :O( The hub can’t be so bold as to hold them at a distance like you have. His mom is disabled and his dad is a selfish jerk so the pity card is in this game. The hub has improved a great deal. Unfortunately he didn’t realize all the harm the in-laws were inflicting on us as a couple until I was bleeding profusely. I told him but denial is a good friend. It’s amazing how the Bible calls it saying that part about leaving and cleaving.
June 24th, 2008 at 11:26 am
@Josh- thanks for the props and thanks for stopping by!
@Laurie- I am not sure I could ever get away with uttering the term “baby fat”! She could say it, but I hate to even come close to any sort of criticism about those few extra pounds that she works so hard to get rid of. I appreciate that she is working at it, but I have told her that it is not important enough to me that she go on some strict diet or anything. We are loving life together, and part of the joy is eating together. Plus, she is the best Italian cook. Ahhhh, the pasta and homemade sauce with some bread to soak it all up. . .
As to the outlaws- my wife never pressured me to cut them off. She suffered (not silently) but never tried the ultimatum route. Just waited until her hurt was more important to me than mom’s approval. Why do grownups still feel the need to seek the approval of mommy and daddy? Insecurity, I guess. What does your hubby say?
June 24th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
To start out with, my hub is an only child. He has been a pawn in a game his folks have played his entire life. His mom accidentally (on purpose) got pregnant and her hubby resented it from the start. Then she would want my hub to make her feel good about herself because her spouse tore her down. Her spouse was and is an a%#. My hub feels bad for his mom. She has disabilities from a stroke that happened in the 70’s. So she can’t drive and is having a difficult time getting around. She has always used her disabilities to glue my hub to her. She wants him to feel responsible for her happiness. And he did. He was brought up to feel that way. She wanted everything my hub did to be either a sign of his love for her or a lack of love for her. She started this when he was a young boy so it was well engrained. Then throw a head strong girl into the mix (me) and the sparks flew. I seemed to point out all the elephants in the room. An each one of them was named denial.
His mom felt (and still does) a competition between us for my hub’s attention. It seemed that she would justify any of the decisions he made that she didn’t agree with by saying he was “hen-pecked”. Why that was a better choice in her mind than saying he disagrees with her, I’ll never know. I just know how painful this all was for me and my hub. I felt I was being sacrificed all the time to keep the peace. I was supposed to sit with a smile on my face and take the jabs and insults because he didn’t want to draw a line in the sand with his mommy. They have been incredibly dysfunctional for too long for me to come in and show them anything different.
I was very bitter for so long. I don’t think my hub “got it” until we went to counseling. I am not sure why that made a difference but it did. Since then, he has watched the boundary much better. My break through for me happened when I finally bought into the idea that the mean things that were said about me, were not really about me at all. They were all about his mom not feeling secure in herself. She had to set up these situations to prove her worth. I was a treat to their status quo. After I really took in that truth, I was able to ignore the bullets. Since I started doing that and since the hub saw all of this for what it is, she has backed down a great deal. She still throws an occasional dart just to see if we’re playing but finds out that we still are not.
It was really difficult all those years feeling like I wasn’t worth fighting for. I resented his parents, I resented him, I could hardly stand to look at them (the parents). I never cried so hard as the time when I drew a line in the sand and for a while I thought he was going to choose her. We had gone to visit them at Christmas and I got tired of the treatment and told the hub I was spending Christmas with his grandmother, to come there with my son and spend it with us. He was going to let me spend Christmas at his grandmother’s without them. After all it was his mom’s Christmas. I thought I had to divorce him. Then he call me back and said let’s pack our things and drive back home (800 miles away and me pregnant). I was so wounded.
That one took 13 years to get over and the help of a counselor. I still feel bad about it all but I have forgiven him. He is very sorry. So am I. He had no idea how it was affecting me. What is funny is we traced the “I hate my daughter-in-law” attitude back 5 generations in his family. Well that is stopping with me. I will not treat my daughters-in-law that way. I will not make my sons feel that I am in a competition with their wives. Sorry for the rambling. I kind of leaked out all over the place didn’t I? Got any towels?
June 24th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
wiping . . .wiping . . . wiping.
There, that’s better.
So much of this sounds so similar to our situation. Fortunately, I saw the light much earlier than your hub. Truthfully, I couldn’t care less if we do or don’t see my folks. It is my wife who initiates any visits with them. I keep a short leash with them, and I think my wife knows that I will pull the trigger on them if they try to pull any $m!t on her. That confidence in US carries us a long way.
You two have walked a rough road together. Key here is- you are still together!
Your sons’ future wives are blessed already. Have you started praying for them yet?
June 24th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I need to start praying for them. Any suggestions as to what to pray?
There have been times I considered my choices with the whole marriage thing. But I made a promise and I am committed (or need to be) so I stuck it out. I even wondered if it was one of those things where I at least knew what to expect in my marriage which was more than I could say if I had left. Whatever the reason, I am glad I weathered the storm and we are in a great place now. I love him dearly and he is a good man.
I will be 50 in a couple of years (which is a shock since I don’t look more than 35 ;O) ), and I have decided to go skydiving to celebrate. My hub said he was going with me. He wasn’t going to let me jump out of a plane by myself! he he he. We’re NOT telling his mom.