It looks like this topic, “Exasperate your Kids” has become a series. You might recall that I started out on Tuesday with a verse from the Bible that says, “Fathers do not exasperate your children”. By exasperate, I mean that we men seem to have an easy tendency to frustrate, even to anger, our kids if we are not careful with our tone, words, and actions.
We are not talking about America’s pastime, here. When I say “majoring in the minors” I am talking about the way we can make a mountain out of a molehill. Sometimes I draw a line in the sand where (in retrospect) I shouldn’t have, but then must stand my ground even though I would rather not. We need to carefully consider which issues we really want to elevate to Major League status. Sometimes in my rush to correct some little flaw in my child’s behavior I build a mountain out of it to the point that MY reaction to his or her “problem” becomes the real issue.
Here is an example of what I am thinking; the other day I was at home all day with the kids while the wife was away at a seminar, and I very nearly blew a gasket over something my wife just takes in stride: Picking Up After Yourself.
The older boys had prepared themselves a nutritious lunch of boxed mac and cheese and grilled cheese sammiches with powdered lemonade to wash it all down. They tore open boxes, opened milk, unwrapped cheese, strained macaronis, pulled bread out of wrapper, used many pans and utensils and generally left a huge mess. Then they ate at various locations of the house.
After filling their stomachs, they continued on with whatever it was they were doing prior to initiating a nuclear mac and cheese sammich with lemonade dust explosion all over the house: Playing Guitar Hero or lighting matches or dressing up the Labradors in their sister’s clothes or filling balloons with acetylene and lighting them or whatever. I am not really sure because all I could see was that there was a HUGE mess left for someone to clean up (someone=someone else. Usually mom or dad in this case). I was ready to lay down the law. I wanted to make up some kind of rule to prevent rude kids from unfairly imposing upon their parents to perpetually clean up in the wake of their lives. I started to get into my Dad’s ranting again mode with one of the kids, but fortunately stopped before I drew tears. This time I just let it go and cleaned up the mess myself.
In earlier years I would not have let this thing slide. I would have gathered up all of the messy offenders and stood by while they cleaned up the entire kitchen. I would not have stopped chiding them until it was cleaned to my satisfaction. There would be tears. There would be frustration. And invariably, there would be further extensions of punishment because tempers would flare.
I know many families where Rules are more important than Relationship. I admit that I tend toward rule making rather than relationship making. My wife is quite the opposite and would suffer many personal indignities if that is what it took to grow a relationship. I suppose you could say we balance each other, but I seriously want more of the grace she expresses.
So back to the point of Majoring in the Minors- We all do it sometimes. We make an issue of nonissues and regret it later. We take a minor league player-Cleanliness- and promote him to the Big Leagues then get all bent out of shape when he doesn’t perform as expected.
I will resist the urge to make a list of all the Minor League stuff that we dads might find to promote. That’s too easy. Instead I want to give handles to this issue. Ready?
Ask yourself this one question when dealing in frustrating issues: “Will my response deepen the relationship or thicken the rulebook?”
It really is that easy. Don’t proceed with that thought of discipline or cross words until you run it through the “relationship/rulebook” filter. Minor leaguers are not worth placing on the mound. Don’t go there.
If I convert too many minor leaguers into majors, it just dilutes the importance of the majors to my kids. I have got to decide which issues are worth taking a stand for. Certainly Life/Safety is major league. Morals, ethics and values are major league, too.
This is a great topic for your next date night. When you are alone with your wife, bring up the topic of “majoring in the minors” and get her input. It is quite likely that she has some pretty good insight.
Blessings
Growing up, it was a sin to get caught being wrong. Nobody actually took the time to codify this, but we all knew instinctively that being “right” was a high moral value. We all, kids and parents alike, fought dirty: we would bicker, engage in logical error, misstate facts, slur character,filibuster, or even change the nature of the debate in order to “win” every argument. My wife got a good taste of this early on in our marriage. We lived about an hour away from my parents, and we were going in to their house for a visit. When we got there, my Mom said something to my wife about the rainstorm we just (supposedly) had at our house. “It hasn’t rained in weeks” my wife replied.
Stumble It!