Exasperate your Kids: Expect perfection.
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children…” Ephesians 6:4
| 1. | to irritate or provoke to a high degree; annoy extremely: He was exasperated by the senseless delays. |
| 2. | Archaic. to increase the intensity or violence of (disease, pain, feelings, etc.). |
The Bible can really get to the heart of a matter, if you choose to look. It looks to to me like this is a message aimed primarily at dads. Mom wasn’t mentioned; neither was anyone else. Just dads. It looks like maybe we have special powers to exasperate (frustrate, anger) our kids.
The influence of a dad on his children is far more profound than most of us realize. I wonder if we take for granted the negative feelings we can generate in our kids by expecting them to act perfectly? Even when we are trying our hardest to be our best, we can unknowingly put pressure on them to try to be someone they think we want them to be, and not the person God built them to be. Sometimes kids fake it in order to please a parent.
As a dad, I want nothing less than for my kids to have life a little better or easier than me. When I see them, for instance, not trying their hardest on the ballfield or procrastinating their chores I naturally project those “shortcomings” into their career future and assume the worst. I figure that, if they aren’t giving it their best now, how will they ever learn to excel at whatever it is they will do in the future? So I withhold approval whenever I sense they aren’t “measuring up” to my preset standards for them.
But I don’t think that just being there on the soccer field warrants a trophy, either. The best team deserves to get that reward. It is good for the others who didn’t get that #1 trophy to strive to earn it next season. Kids don’t get exasperated by being #2 on the field or in the classroom. They expect that others will sometimes perform better.
But at home, dads have the special ability to drive their kids insane by expecting too much of them. We exasperate our kids when we withhold a compliment or praise until they perform perfectly. Of course, being kids, they rarely do perform perfectly. If a child’s weekly chore is to mow the lawn, what does it cost me to say “good job” even if he didn’t make the herringbone pattern that I like? Why do I choose to point out the couple of weeds he missed in the flowerbeds instead of complimenting on the other 98% of good work?
When my daughter brings home an “A” paper, do I point out how she could have made it an “A+”?
Do I point out the misspellings on my Father’s Day cards?
Do I EVER use critical words or tone of voice towards my children?
Here is the money question, and one I hope every dad will etch into his brain; Do you want your kids to grow up and leave home thinking they could never please their father?
When I allow myself to exasperate my kids, I send them a real clear message that I will not fully love them until they perform as expected. Do I want my kids to feel they must earn my affection? Or should they be free to experience unconditional love from me?
I want my kids to know that, even if they are not the best at something, they are still good and worthy people. I need them to have a clear understanding that their dad does not love them for their performance, but rather loves them just because they are his. I don’t need to promote performance anxiety at home; they will get enough of that throughout life.
If this post has caused you to think even a little bit about exasperation, I would suggest using your wife as a sounding board. Ask her if she sees you exasperating your kids by expecting perfection in them. She may be able to help you find the loving words you really want to say instead of the words that frustrate. Ask her to be honest to the point of hurting your feelings if necessary, because you are a dad who wants his kids to know unconditional love better than he did as a child.
Blessings
Tags: raising kids
Stumble It!
July 8th, 2008 at 11:17 am
“It is impossible to please all the world and one’s father.” - Jean de la Fontaine (French author from the 1600’s, suggesting this is universal and timeless problem.)
July 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
@Night Writer -That is a very profound and troubling quote. I guess, if it is true, we dads should become a bastion of love and comfort for our little ones. It seems to me that many adults carry heavy baggage filled with the feelings that Dad never truly loved them for themselves.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Good topic. The real trick I believe is to remember the only failure we ever really have in our lives is “giving up”. Every time we don’t come out on top is another chance to prove we can come back stronger later.
It is difficult to sell that lesson to a kid, of course, but if you can do that, then they might understand any disappointment you show for them not winning is just you wanting them to continue to work harder to figure it out.
I am going to steer clear of wanting perfection from my kid. Congratulate the successes, and remind them that there are always ways to improve and get better. Remind them that getting better at something means that it will come easier to them next time. Who can argue with that?
July 9th, 2008 at 8:35 am
@Kevin (ReturnToManliness) -Often “failure” means just that we didn’t achieve the goal we had set out for ourselves. You are right to point out that failure is just a piece of the path to success.
At our house, we try to use our kids’ successes as a time to point out our unconditional love for them. It seems like a lousy consolation when, after losing, Mom and Dad remind the child that they love him just the same whether they win or lose. But it just seems more lasting when we take the “trophy” times to reinforce that our love and relationship is not built upon their performance on the field or academically. We are proud of their accomplishments and happy for the good feelings winning brings, but no amount of winning could increase our love.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
The is research that shows that praising effort in kids does so much more than praising them for their intellect. Kids that are praised for being smart see challenges as an opportunity to prove that they are not as smart as you thought and are less likely to take on challenges. They then get to be underachievers. So praise the effort and show a link between effort and growth.
On another note, the other reason some men want perfection from their kids is to confirm that the dad is a good dad. This is what I have experienced. The dad’s self worth is tied to the accomplishments of his kids. That’s a lot of pressure on a kid. It also makes the child responsible for the adult. No fair, I think.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:10 am
@Laurie -
No Fair is right! Our man-egos are so fragile. There are 2 things going on when we watch them perform: we project our insecurities into them and allow our egos to either be stroked or smacked down (depending on their performance). My wife works very hard with me on this issue when we get onto the playing field;)