Exasperate your Kids: Never Be Wrong
Growing up, it was a sin to get caught being wrong. Nobody actually took the time to codify this, but we all knew instinctively that being “right” was a high moral value. We all, kids and parents alike, fought dirty: we would bicker, engage in logical error, misstate facts, slur character,filibuster, or even change the nature of the debate in order to “win” every argument. My wife got a good taste of this early on in our marriage. We lived about an hour away from my parents, and we were going in to their house for a visit. When we got there, my Mom said something to my wife about the rainstorm we just (supposedly) had at our house. “It hasn’t rained in weeks” my wife replied.
“But it said on the news that you were getting rain”, Mom insisted. “It was raining.”
“Well, I sure haven’t seen any rain in a while, but maybe I missed it.”
“The TV news said you were getting rain, and I just don’t see how they could be wrong about something like this. They have cameras.”
“I didn’t watch the news today, but there was no rain at our house.”
“I DID rain. I am sure of it.”
“Alright Mom, you are right. It was raining.”
And that was all it took. Mom had to be right. She would not back down about something as innocuous as the weather of a location 60 miles away from her. She needed to feel “right” about it and it didn’t matter to her that she put another crimp in her relationship with her daughter-in-law. Right Rules. And neither could she see how foolish “looking right” made her appear.
Mom had no idea that needing to be right was driving a wedge in our relationship.
And I fear that the “need to be right” thing is genetic. I have passed it down to our kids (and, NO, the gene didn’t skip a generation; I just am not in the mood to embarrass myself today by telling of the many ways I have been humbled over the years).
During our vacation last week, our oldest son (a tinkerer) was attempting something with the Seadoo motor that was going to, IMHO, burn up the motor. I asked him to stop and told him why (he was creating a lean condition for you motorheads). He insisted that I didn’t know what I was talking about and what he was attempting was safe.
I decided not to argue. If he needed to be “right” to the point that he wouldn’t get to ride the ‘doo for the rest of the vacation due to a burnt up motor, then I was willing for him to “win”. Of course, the repair bill would still be in my name, but I figured this might be a good lesson about rightness. He did quit tweaking the motor, but still wouldn’t concede the point. Progress I suppose.
As a dad, have you considered what your “needing to be right” looks like to your children? It is quite possible that I exasperate (frustrate, anger) my kids every time they see me ignore or cover up my wrongness. They might even feel that I endorse a double standard when I am seen breaking a rule that they typically get punished for (like lying).
I think one of the best and most profound attitudes we can teach our kids is that of humility. When I voluntarily go to a child and ask their forgiveness for something I have said or done to them, they see that relationship is more valuable to me than rightness. Acting humble (not needing to be right) becomes easier for a child when they see it modeled by their dad. Needing to be right all the time tells the kids that I value my self-esteem more than their feelings.
Relationship trumps “rightness”. Is that true in your home? This was the message our heavenly Father sent when His innocent son was nailed to a cross. He values a relationship with us to such a degree that He willingly gave up all the rights of “Godness” so that he could walk humbly with us in human flesh. He didn’t seek to rule over us with an iron fist. He sought to walk with us, side by side.
Care to take another Manmail Challenge? Think of just one way you have acted or talked inappropriately recently, then go talk to your children about it. No lectures needed at this time- just confess your humanity to them. Express your heartfelt desire to do better. And remind them of your love for them, even when they struggle with “rightness”.
Blessings
Tags: raising kids
Stumble It!
July 9th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
I agree with you. Being right can really drive a wedge in a relationship. Then the relationship is based on an image rather than the real hearts of the people involved.
I’m a teacher. One day I lost it all over this 5th grade girl in my class. I was such a bad example to the kids that day. The next day, I appoligized to her in front of the entire class. I figured I had verbally assulted her in front of them and I need to ask forgiveness in front of them. I worded it that way, “Would you please forgive me.” I told her that my behavior was not demonstrating the character I wanted to show. I said that my behavior was not in line with my faith in God and that I wanted my class to be a welcoming place not a place for verbal attack. I think the kids respected me for that. The girl and I had even a better relationship after I confessed.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:12 am
@Laurie -
I will wager that you made a lifetime impression on this girl. She might forget your name in years to come, but she will never forget the life lesson you taught her. Good on ya!