manmail

Lemme just deliver the hook right up front here, ’cause if I started out by telling you I am a Sunday School teacher you would likely race for the back button.

It appears to me that young couples (at least the churchy kind) are spending more time in Sunday School than they are spending screwin’ each week.

There. See. I did it. Mentioned church and sex in the same sentence.

It is flattering to think that a bunch of young husbands and wives would prioritize an hour and a half, each week, to hang with the old guy and talk about the Bible and stuff. But, honestly, I would have thought that there would be A LOT more horizontal timegoing on than there actually is. I know this because we talk alot about sex and marriage in our young family Sunday class and because we talk individually with many of the couples.

But I am just teasing you a little bit. Not gonna blog about sex today. Saving it for tomorrow.

I do, though, think that if someone is going to come sit in class for over an hour that I owe it to them to bring some relevancy to scripture. Seriously, I feel pressure to perform. Especially considering that I am generally receiving more of their attention than their spouse is, amorously speaking.

So for the past two weeks we have been looking at the life of Noah- the guy who built an ark.

We pretty much skipped over the traditional fare about the size of the boat and how in the world all those critters could fit, and how smelly it would have been. Whatever.

I am interested in becoming a more manly man: a more godly man. And it seems that old Noah had something good going on, or else God wouldn’t have been hanging with him. So I wondered if I might pick up a few nuggets from the old guy that might make me a better husband and father.

How ’bout if I just make a brief list , then we can put some meat on the bones later, K? And by the way, if this is remotely interesting, you could read  Genesis chapter 6 through 9. And if you just want to take my word for it, well that is okay too.

• God was pretty displeased with people in general.
• Noah looked like a righteous dude.
• Noah walked with God.
• Noah was a farmer.

So apparently, way back in the old days, people were treating each other poorly and just generally being ugly to each other and unneighborly. I suppose they were ignoring their creator, too. But there was one guy, Noah, who was different. God liked hangin’ with this guy, even if he did like the bottle a bit much.

i’m thinking to myself: “what did this guy Noah do to get on God’s good side? Show me the list. I can follow instructions as good as anyone.”

The only thing I can identify that Noah did good was this, “…he walked with God.”

“Waaayhaaaate a minute my friend. I was looking for a list to accomplish. Boxes to check off. Good deeds to do. I’m pretty sure that God expects me to do my part before He can like me.”

Cutting across the grain here- God really doesn’t need your help. I know that runs contrary to most sermons, but they generally have an ulterior motive (to keep you busy and tithing). Seriously- think through this with me- The God who created gold now needs me to give some back to Him? Like he lost the recipe? I am giving payday loans?  Seriously.

Now I am interested about what “walking with God” could mean.

“Obviously it means that Noah was in Church every Sunday and for the Wednesday Mid-Week meeting, too.”

Prolly Noah didn’t go to church at all. I mean, unless his pastor was one of the folks left drowning…

“Surely it means that Noah spent all of his waking hours reading his Bible and preaching at others.”

Sorry, no written word or bible or anything yet. Can’t see, either, where Noah’s job was to try to convince anyone else to jump on board. Just build the boat.

“Well then, God liked Noah because he was obedient. He followed directions well. He accomplished things for God.”

Looks to me like Noah was well liked before he was asked to build a boat. Obedience wasn’t the reason God and Noah were tight. Careful not to put the cart first.

Which brings us to the “walked with God” part. That is it. They just walked together and did whatever folks do when they spend time walking together.

I think this is why my wife loves to walk around the neighborhood with me. We just get to spend time together. Relating. Chatting. Getting to know each other better. Talking about whatever is on our minds. Merely being together is a reward in and of itself.

And this is Noah’s real simple message to anyone who wants to listen. It’s not what you know: It’s who you know.

Is this the message we hear from the pulpit? Likely not. Likely you have been buried by programs, campaigns, fundraisers, guilt about money, guilt about attendance, guilt about serving, and so on.

I am not bashing. Just saying that “walking with God” is pretty string-free. Noah knew that. He worked for a hundred years building a boat because he was working with a friend.

Noah was a farmer.

“Big Deal.”

Big deal to me because Noah’s calling was to do something completely out of his comfort zone. He wasn’t a carpenter or a shipbuilder or a zookeeper for that matter.

Noah committed himself to a job for which he felt unqualified. He felt like a pioneer because he was one. He was embarking upon a journey which had an uncertain ending. I am sure that he lost sight of the goal more than once. He probably got splinters.

Kinda like being a dad. Or becoming a good husband.

(It just doesn’t come naturally to most of us men because we have been guys for so long.)

My children (like yours) are growing up. Fast.  And I get a little scared for them, especially as I consider the mistakes I have made and the challenges I have faced throughout my brief life. It doesn’t look like things will be easier for the next generation.

“A parent’s greatest fear- their kids will grow up to repeat the heartaches and mistakes of the parents.”

Back to Noah. He was a righteous dude just because he and God walked together. It is also true that we can raise righteous (and I just define that word as ‘knowing how to live right and well’) kids by walking with them. I am talking about prioritizing time to be available to those we say we love.

And please be clear- I am not just talking about walks around the block. Used to be, pre-automobile, going anywhere meant walking. Most all tasks were accomplished via walking.

And that is what I am trying to get across. We dads owe it to our kids to take them everywhere with us. Not just places, but emotions, too. I should walk through ethics and values together with my kids. Walk together through decision-making processes.

But I was not prepared to walk this way. Like a farmer being asked to build a boat. I was taught to be tough, strong, emotionless, tearless, fearless, independent. Most of us guys were taught this, I think.

 If I want to have the time to walk with my kids, I’m going to need to throw off some of my optional responsibilities. Basically, there is little that needs to get done that can’t get done with your little buddies hanging around with you.

Shopping for a car? Use this time to teach them about “good deals”. Teach them about credit and payments over time. Walk them through sales tactics. Teach them the value of delayed gratification.

Looking for a job? Let them walk with you as you update your resume and prepare for interviews. Help them understand about benefits and withholding and such.

Watching sports on the tube? Turn it off and go play that sport with your kids.

Fighting with the wife? The kids already know- you can’t hide it- may as well talk to them about it. Walk them through the process of meeting and falling in love and getting married. Do this every time you quarrel and I guarantee you will fight less.

Dealing with an ethics issue at work? Walk with your kids as you deal with it. Let them know what the issues are, if you can. You will all be better off. 

Poker night with the guys? Designate some of those nights as “bring my kid to the table” night. Have all the dads bring one of their kids for the purpose of teaching them the game.If it is worth doing- It is worth bringing my kid to see.

Dealing with grief? Walk alongside your kids. They need to know how to properly deal with such things.

Having financial stress? Wouldn’t you like to spare your children from that sort of grief when they grow up? Maybe now is a good time to walk with them. Talk about choices and consequences. Talk about how to deal with the tough times.

The payback of a life spent “walking” with my kids will be children that know their father and a father who knows his children. Kids who will want to hang with dad. Kids equipped to take on challenging tasks with gusto. Kids who know how to live righteously. Kids who just might avoid some of my mistakes. Kids who build arks.

And a very satisfied Dad.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: bible, sex

Persistence. Stick to-itiveness. Tenacity. Bulldog spirit. Stubbornness. Strong willed. Tenacity.

These qualities might help a person get ahead in their career and might even earn them some fame. But just how valuable are these qualities when my wife and I find ourselves fighting? Will she appreciate the fact that I am willing to fight to the death over the color of the new beadspread? I think not.

A manly man steels his mind to a commitment that he will be the first one to “give in” when in a disagreement with his wife. Every time. No matter who is right or wrong. This kind of stubbornness is becoming of a man. Dragging out a fight so long that one has to retreat to the couch for the night is not a manly way to handle disagreements.

Extreme Deathmatch :Home Makeover Edition  is certainly not a manly pursuit. Knowing how to give in first gracefully is a mark of maturity.

Don’t get me wrong- By saying “give in first” I am not guessing at anyone’s rightness or wrongness. I am saying that someone has to be first to say “I take responsibility for working this tiff out. I want to understand your point of view and see where I might be out of line.” I believe it falls upon the manly husband to be the first to call a truce and lay down his weapons. This just demonstrates good leadership on his part. And not that a wife can’t or shouldn’t want to be first to patch things up- I just know that conflict negotiation is one of the manly arts that softens the heart of a woman.

My wife has, in the past, confessed to saying hurtful things in the “heat of battle” just so she could get me madder. I was and am guilty of taking the bait sometimes and allowing things to escalate. But those times when I refuse to “go there”- she (after things cool down between us) has told me how much she respects me when I choose not to let her provoke me to fight. Her trust in me actually grows each time I give in first. Any more, it is a very rare time that we will actually get to the point of fighting about a disagreement.

A real man is free to look “wrong” if that is what it takes to set the relationship right. A real man knows that his first order of business, always, is to secure the marriage relationship first then later go about dealing with “he said-she said”.  One way to do this is to commit to give in first when the inevitable blow-up happens.

I really am just being practical here. By dropping my defenses early on, I lessen the chances that I will say something really stupid in the heat of the moment. You know those killer phrases that start out with “You always______________” or “You never_______________” or “I hate it when you_____________”. Why add the baggage of those type of statements to the remaining balance of our relationship?

Also, I am not saying that “giving in” means that you need to just absolve your wife of all responsibility for your conflict. Neither am I saying that it is a good idea to just make nice and capitulate entirely to her way of thinking. A manly man drops his defenses early in the fray in order to avoid collateral damage. A manly man has his priorities straight: and winning this battle is never of greater importance than the integrity of the union.

“Giving in” means giving up on your right to fight. It is prioritizing the health of your marriage over the satisfaction your pride feels when you force a win. I see my pride as the primary reason I choose to nurture a disagreement. I like to be right. Check out this passage out of the Bible (Proverbs 6:16-19):
16  These six things the Lord hates, indeed, seven are an abomination to Him:

17  A proud look (the spirit that makes one overestimate himself and underestimate others), a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,

18  A heart that manufactures wicked thoughts and plans, feet that are swift in running to evil,

19  A false witness who breathes out lies.

Notice the order of things here: I see murder, evil thought, slander, etc. But what stands out, to me anyway, is the fact that the list is topped by PRIDE. It looks to me like God hates the pride in my heart even more than He hates murder. Ouch. That hits close to home.

And it is exactly this pride of self righteousness that motivates me to want to win a fight. To beat her in the argument. To be willing to belittle her just so I can feel the rush of victory. To call upon past “forgiven” injustices if that will help me win.

But am I really winning when I come out on top of a disagreement? The only winner is my pride in this case.

This is why I advocate being the first to give in. It necessarily puts my pride in second position and places my wife and our relationship in first place. At this point the conflict surely still exists as it did before, but my sorry pride is set aside long enough for me to begin to hear her side. With my pride (and probably my anger, too) put in its place I am set free to see a proper perspective of the value of our relationship.

One simple way to give in first might be call a truce as soon as you sense anger or frustration. Admit to your wife what you are feeling. Tell her that you want to honor her even when we disagree. Ask for a 5 minute break from discussion and get alone to write her a brief love note. Tell her what you are doing and why. It is probably immaterial that you even share what you wrote in the note; the point is to rid your mind of the pride that encourages you to continue arguing and gain fresh perspective on the woman whom you love (and need).

Giving in first is really tough, especially when I feel like I have been righteously wronged. It is my pride that instructs me to want to “win” this fight despite the cost to our intimacy. A manly man, though, demonstrates that he values relationship more than winning.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: marriage

Before I launch into “I don’t mean what I thought I did” a preface is in order. I really try to write these posts to be an easy read in under 5 minutes but be forewarned: I am breaking my own 5 minute rule. Maybe I will turn this post into 2. We’ll see how it goes.

Added: Yes, I am splitting this post into 2. Sorry for the tease but please keep reading.

You likely have noticed that the old saw opposites attract applies to most marriages out there. It sure does in mine. You’ve surely seen couples like us walking together in the mall and wondered, “How did that goofball manage to land a fine catch like her?” I tend to be slow, plodding and cautious. My wife, on the other hand operates by the deep philosophy FIRE, READY, AIM. Although she is wonderfully organized, impetuosity is her middle name. I am introverted and contemplative. She makes lifelong friends in the bank teller line. I am quiet, she is quite NOT. You get the picture

Have you ever wondered why this is true? Why would I be so drawn to and smitten by another human who could also rub me the wrong way because of our differences? Besides the fact that marrying someone like myself would be quite dull. My wife and I were counseled (by a pastor who was interpreting a Meyers-Briggs test or some such tripe) to reconsider marrying one another. He saw we were too alike in the stubbornness category and far too different in the “likes” category. He forecast, for instance, that my plans for a 2-week backpacking trip would conflict with her desire to spend those same 2 weeks vacationing in a full service resort somewhere fancy schmancy. Our off-the-chart stubbornness index would, he reasoned, kick in and lead to unresolvable conflict. He predicted we would have a rough go of it. And he was partly right and mostly wrong. Our differences cause us to learn to give in to one another, but our stubbornness always carries us through the hard times. One of us always stubbornly chooses to gracefully wait out the other when times get tough between us.

Of course, successful marriages must be built upon shared common values. I can’t imagine a successful marriage where one spouse is devoted to the Bible and the other is equally devoted to the Koran. In this arena, being opposite makes the chances of long term success unlikely for that couple.

It is BY DESIGN that we require an opposite, or as I prefer to say COMPLEMENTARY, spouse. Not complimentary, as in “My don’t you look pretty today”. That kind is important, too, but not the subject today. The kind of complementary I want to look at now is the kind where two halves make a whole. Yin and Yang, if that mental picture of two amoebas chasing each other’s tails within a circle helps you to visualize this concept.

Think of complementary as being air inside of a rubber tire. By itself, the air is pretty useful for breathing and other things, but not of much use for the transport of heavy loads. The tire, when not under a load can support its own weight but not much else. You’ve seen how quickly a tire is shredded when it loses air pressure while being driven. But put the two together- fill a rubber tire with the right amount of air and you get a really useful pair. Much more useful than they were by themselves, but needful of each other’s inherent qualities to get done the job of moving heavy loads quickly and smoothly over bumpy roads. If that tire were solid rubber, it would jar and shake the occupants of the vehicle mercilessly, and probably crack itself to bits in no time, due to the poor conditions of our roads and its inflexibility. But fill a tire with air . . . and you get a smooth ride. The air inside allows the tough tire to flex a little every time it drops into a pothole, preventing damage to the tire itself and aiding the passengers in a safe journey.

I mentioned that complementariness (I know; long cumbersome word. If it is even a word. I’ll try not to use it too often) is by design. I believe there is a designer of all things, including marriage. If we would pay attention to how He designed marriage, most of us would fare much better. Here is where the Bible informs me, and I hope you’ll stick around for a little Sunday School lesson about Adam and Eve. I bet it won’t be anything like your Sunday School teacher of years past taught you. Odds are that your pastor isn’t teaching this either.

And if you are a person who is not so positive on the value of the Bible, well, just please try to look past the scripture references and focus on the truth behind it all. Because, the truth is, TRUTH IS. You don’t have to be a christian for the biblical principals of marriage to work for you. I know this statement will irk many christians. Sorry. Following biblical principals for marriage works for everyone.

Before we get to Adam and Eve and his missing rib, let’s tell a little backstory. The process of God creating something from nothing is the start of the story for us. The first 2 chapters of Genesis provides for us the abbreviated Readers Digest Cliff Notes version of how nothing became the something that we recognize as our universe and the laws that maintain its cohesiveness. I guess we don’t need to know the mechanics of the creation process, but buried in these chapters is some important information about men and women.

Notice how, after God creates each new aspect of the universe, He declares it “good”. Then in Genesis 2:18, we see a “not good”. See it there? It was not good that the man should be alone. I wonder why.

Could it be that it was not good because Adam didn’t have anyone to procreate with? Like, after creating all of the plants and animals to reproduce after their own kind God slipped up and forgot to set up a reproduction system for humans? Come on. Let’s not think like children for a moment, shall we? Something bigger is going on here.

Man was created in the image of God: a self-sufficient being (yes I have ignored the God part of the equation). I can only guess at the reason why God didn’t create humans male and female like he did for the animals, but He didn’t. I don’t think woman was an afterthought to man, though. The order and fashion of Eve’s creation is a very important foundation to how we understand marriage. He did what He did is the order He did it in for a reason, and deciphering that reason clears up a lot of questions for me.

God looked at the newly created man Adam and said “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him to complete him.” Italics added by me because that last phrase was added by me. But it really gets to the point in my opinion. The woman Eve was created to complete/complement Adam. To rule creation with him. Not to serve him. Not just to be his sex buddy. She was created to be an essential, non-disposable part of Adam. Adam needed Eve Like the top half of my body needs the bottom half. She wasn’t created as an add-on feature, but as an essential component of Adam himself. Like the tire needs air.

Here is the part that should be familiar to many. The part where your Sunday School teacher told you that God took a rib from Adam and made a woman and Adam fell in love with her. She might have said that God saw how lonely Adam was and how he had so much work to do by himself. How tidy.

And as you grew older and were able to sit in “big church”, I bet the wise pastor gave you the “real story” and preached that Eve was created from Adam’s side to be equal with him. Not from his feet to be trod upon and not from Adam’s head to boss him around. That is an okay message, too. Safe. Often the pastor will go on about the man being the head of the woman and how he should not take advantage of that power and treat her as his equal. And also mention that she is to remember to be subject to her husband since she was created second. Second Fiddle. Benevolent dictator. This part of the message is not so okay, and you will see why here directly.

So, back to the actual Bible. It says that God put Adam to sleep and took a chunk out of him and fashioned that piece of Adam into Eve. Forget the business of just taking a little rib out. This was major surgery. And here is where it gets interesting: Adam was redistributed.

The formerly complete man Adam was redistributed into two entities. Adam was now missing key components of his old self, but fortunately they were not too far away. Eve also was not complete without Adam at her side. Both humans were able to function on their own, but not to their full or best potential. Just like the tire and air. Adam and Eve became a complete unit, needful of what each had to offer.

If the idea that Adam was redistributed into 2 persons is a little hard to swallow, just consider that man was created in God’s image: God said let US create man in our image. Without making this a novella about the persons of God, just consider that He thought it best that Adam and Eve be complementary. The two halves of a whole. Better together.

Earlier I mentioned the order or sequence of creation. God didn’t create male and female humans like he created other male and female creatures, if you noticed. Elephants, sharks, dogs, and the rest were created by the pair. But Eve was not to be understood as a companion to Adam, or for that matter merely a helpmeet. Human men and women weren’t co-created. Woman came from man, and I bet Adam sensed in his spirit and flesh that his “Eve part” was missing after the operation. When the first couple first locked eyes, there was likely a sense between them of “Hey, I know you!”. Eve wasn’t just another person, she was a necessary part of Adam. She really was a part of Adam.

Which brings us to our marriages. I won’t presume to speak for or about your marriage, so if I may, I will use mine as the test subject. Today I need this woman like I need air. It wasn’t always so, though. Actually, I did always need her like air but I didn’t see the value in needing her like that. I was raised to be independent. Mom taught me to cook and clean for myself. I could even mend my own clothes and sew if I had to. I knew the value of hard work and how to pinch a penny. I felt complete as I stepped into marriage. I felt like I would be a fairly low maintenance guy, and I supposed that we would still have our own individual lives along with the fringe benefits of matrimony.

Why did no one ever tell me that I was marrying my other half? Notice I did not say better half. While that is very true, the profound point here is that it took me years (Probably about 15) to realize that Kim is my other half . . . my Eve. I am incomplete without her. I need my wife to make me a whole man. All along I thought I was a whole man, but then I met my other half. For the first 15 or so years she was just a companion, and a great one at that. But I failed to see the way she could complete me. I suppose I was too proud to admit that I actually needed someone else.

At this point I was going to recount all the ways that she makes my life richer, but realized how misplaced that would be. I started to list out all the ways that her influence enriches our home, ministry, work and play time. Then I deleted them all. I realized that might not be helpful since we are a unique person, and comparing this unique married person to another is about as beneficial as comparing siblings. I am the man God intends me to be with her. I am not fully myself without her at my side. We perfectly balance each other out. But other couples balance each other differently since each spouse brings their own uniqueness to the table.

When I consider that I am not a whole without my complement, I am forced to reconsider what marriage really is. It is not two people coming together to cohabit and make a home together. Complementary union is not a man ruling over his woman, with the woman willingly (HA!) allowing herself to be dominated. Neither is it a 50-50 proposition, with each spouse agreeing that they will take turns making decisions and leading.

As I see it, marriage of complementary individuals requires a reboot of the mind.

We tend to think we are all grown up when we are finally able to marry. After all, we have spent at least 18 years of training with our parents, maybe 4 or more years being trained in college and whatever other kind of life training has been thrown your way. We get married and feel “Big” finally. On our own. Mature.

But guess what? When we say “I do”, we are really agreeing to start our growing up process all over again. We are learning how to cleave with another individual to form us. Just like Adam and Eve. In a sense marriage is a miniature family reunion. Two individuals who have invested 21 or so years into becoming themselves suddenly meet up with the missing part of themselves they always knew they wanted to find and live with. And just like the growing up process has some fun times, it also has some painful lessons to be learned, too.

The difference with marriage is that we somehow got the notion we could divorce ourself if the painful lessons got to bad. The thought probably never occurred to yourself as you were growing up: did it? What sane person would conceive of such an idea? Growing up, we don’t consider divorcing ourself as an option: we learn from hard lessons and adjust accordingly. And the process matures us.

This notion of a complementary, “new person” marriage relationship where each person completes the other might seem far fetched. And as I said, it requires a reboot of the mind. It means that I must consider my new life with my wife as an entirely new process of growing up. We will be teaching each other lessons and learning life lessons together. If my mind is set on the fact that I am only complete with her, then all of these life lessons take on new meaning. We patch up each other’s weak spots and add temper to the strong suits. In areas where one lacks, the other stands in the gap. We each lift the other to newer and higher heights, because that is what I would do for myself.

I hope, by this point, you have begun to grasp upon where I come from. I see marriage as a redistribution of one person among two beings. Seems like a funny way to look at it, I know. But I see it this way because I see it is how we were designed. I know that I have left out a ton of other Bible verses about marriage, and that is on purpose. I see complementariness as the starting place for us to understand how to have a happy marriage (and sex life). Those other verses will make a lot more sense when we get this foundation established first.

Sorry if the title of this post indicated that the subject would be about sex. I fully intended to get there, but ran long on words. Though under the surface it really is about sex, because we need this foundation of complementariness to begin to talk about our sexuality.

In a few more days I will have completed the next post about married sexuality, and hopefully answered the question “Why does he think about it all the time?”.

Until then, Blessings

Technorati Tags: bible, marriage, sex

I am not angry, but I want to rant about anger, if that’s okay with you.

We love our anger. Hold it close, nurture it, feed it, justify it, defend it. I have even seen people get angry because I dare to bring it up in conversation.  Though we keep it well hidden beneath our shirt, anger is precious. (If you are a Lord of the Rings fan, think Gollum here).

This subject came up yesterday as we were studying Genesis chapter 4 in our Sunday Bible class. We noted that God was unimpressed with Cain’s offering. Not that God wanted Cain to give more or differently- It seems that God was distressed at the condition of the heart of this man. So the Lord mentioned His concern to Cain much like a parent would inquire of a sour-faced child. Cain’s response was to become very angry (or was he already very angry and God just called him on it?).

Now here is the money verse: “If you do what is right you will be accepted. If you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

What artistry of words. I can just picture sin as a 400 pound lion pacing at Cain’s door, hungry and completely equipped to knock out his prey with one swipe of the paw and break Cain’s neck with one easy bite. The lion doesn’t even need to expend any energy breaking down Cain’s door. It just waited patiently for his meal to step out to use the outhouse or go to the market. Or visit his brother.

If you have listened to many sermons at all you have likely heard about anger. The standard line goes something like this: “Anger is an emotion that needs to be channelled for good. Don’t let it get the best of you and try to get rid of it as soon as possible. But anger can accomplish great good if you let it . . . You can affect (fill in the blank here) social justice, world hunger, AIDS, poverty, whatever, if you will just allow God to morph your anger into Good.”  Some  preachers will even add, “Besides, Jesus was angry sometimes, too. Remember when he got mad at the moneychangers in the Temple courtyard?” <Insert scripture HERE about Jesus cleansing the temple. Only there is NO indication that Jesus was angry or expressed anger. But why let facts change our minds?.> 

Really. Look it up. Look in Luke 19:45 or Mark 11:15 or Matthew 21:12 or John 2:14. Go ahead and do it now; I can wait. . . Surprising, isn’t it? No mention of anger. A cross reference over to Psalms 69:9 mentions zeal, but that hardly means anger.  Sure, I would have been angry given the circumstances. But was Jesus?  One can only make a case for Jesus’ anger if they overlay a depraved (Cainlike) spirit upon Him. I am unwilling to do that. Otherwise scripture is silent on this one.

Is your blood pressure rising yet?

Cain was at a crossroads with God. There is no doubt that his life was going to be radically different based upon the choice he would make about what to do with his anger. We know how Cain chose and the lion was satisfied. But what if Cain had believed God? What if he would have said simply, “You are right, Father”? I can’t guess at the outcome, other than to interject my own experience. I just know that the lion flees every time I confess my anger.  By letting loose of my anger I give God room to work in and through my life.

Good christians have said to me, “But the Bible says God gets angry. Can’t I have a righteous anger, too?” Yes and NO. Yes God has a right to his righteous anger. No, I don’t have any sort of claim on His right to righteous anger. Sorry, but anger is not in our inheritance, therefore we don’t get to spend it early. We can all search for scripture passages that speak of human anger and, basically, the consensus is that we must play hot potato with it. Anger burns if held too long.

If you still want to believe a Christian has a right to anger then let’s play a substitution game; shall we? It seems to me that Paul, in Ephesians 4 and 5 lumped together anger, greed, lust, bitterness and slander as feelings we should play hot potato with. Are you with me? Do we agree that this is a partial list of “bad” human qualities? So let’s play . . .

•  ”I am going to use this greed I’m feeling right now for the betterment of God’s kingdom. After the more I get the more I give. “
• “I don’t need to stop lusting. After all, God put it in me. I just need to not let it run my life. But a little is okay.”
• “I am gonna take my bitterness and pray that God would use it. Then after I have committed it to prayer I am going to implant it into everyone I meet! Praise Jesus!”
• “Slander is not so bad. It’s not like I killed someone or something. People just have to understand not to say mean stuff to me or else I will just have to slander them back. If people weren’t so mean my slanderous side wouldn’t come out so much.”

Playing the substitution game helps give me clarity about words and ideas. It helps open my mind to my own preconceived notions and expose my double-mindedness. I have to admit to myself that if nursing a little anger is acceptable, then I am okay to do a little lusting over the new secretary. And if a healthy dose of rage is an acceptable motivator for “good”, then the same amount of bitterness must be good for my soul, too.

I challenge you to search the scriptures to find where a man’s anger has ever worked out well. I think you will find that it never does. In fact every time we see man’s anger vented this pattern emerges: A disaster of colossal proportions ensues and then God steps in gracefully to cover the mess. Even the “big guys” like Moses and Samson let their anger get the best of them sometimes. Those are some lessons that I’d rather avoid, thank you.

I challenge myself to recognize anger for what it really is (besides sin): It is an invitation to life change that cannot be denied. Specifically, change that causes me to look either more or less Christlike. The choice before me is what to do with it. I can try my best to use anger for good, but there is the issue of that lion outside the door.  Or I can do what Cain did not, and simply confess my anger to God. Isn’t anger really just a disagreement with God? When I admit to my anger, I admit that He and I are not seeing eye to eye. This a good start: one which God honors with grace.

“If you do what is right you will be accepted.”  I sure want to be accepted, so I suppose I need to do what is right. What is right ? I think we can rule out that right is doing better. God didn’t seek a better or bigger offering from Cain and He doesn’t ask it of us either. He wanted Cain’s heart, his attitude, his spirit. He wanted Cain to make an offering of his precious anger. Give ownership of it to God to do with as He sees fit. Simple? Try it.

In the end, I guess it is fair to say that anger is a little like pornography. I can’t deny its pervasiveness, but I can deny it access into my head. I just don’t need the heartache it brings. We all know how it ruins relationships. Ask your wife how much pornography would be acceptable to her, then ask God how much anger would be acceptable to Him. Bet you get the same answer.  

Blessings

Technorati Tags: bible, communication