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       YES WE CAN!!!

How exciting is this?

We finally got around to buying and installing our whole house fan this weekend.

Pretty exciting.

What does my home improvement project have to do with marriage and kids, you ask? Welllll- stretching a little here- My wife will praise my genius when the Edison bill doesn’t go up to $900 in August?

Really. A $900 electricity bill in August last year. And lest you think I am keeping penguins as pets; during that hideous month, for two of the four weeks the thermostat never got below 85 degrees inside, even at the coolest time of night! The A/C just couldn’t keep up with the sun and lousy construction of the house. Momma was not happy about the heat and she was REALLY unhappy about paying so much for so little comfort.

It is so frustrating when the outside air temperature is noticeably cooler than the air inside, yet you can’t seem to get the cool air inside the house. Also, during the day the materials of the house itself are absorbing energy from the sun, only to give it back as residual heat late in the evening when you are trying to sleep.

We’ve got a ceiling fan over our bed, but it doesn’t really get utilized to its potential because the lovely and ever-rational Postmistress says that it dries out her eyes. While she is sleeping. With her eyes closed. Really. (There exists a train of logic in a woman’s mind that no sane man would challenge. The sleeping dry eyes is one of those. Sigh.)

Enter the Whole House Fan. Not a panacea, but a pretty smart and cheap way to cool your home. Basically it is installed in the ceiling between your living area and your attic. It sucks cool air through any open window and exhausts into the attic space. There is a double bonus here in that not only does it pull cool air into the house but it forces the heated air out of your attic space.

It costs about a nickel an hour to run.

When we tried it out Sunday night, the air temperature inside the house was 76 degrees. Within 30 minutes of running the fan on the High setting, the temperature had dropped 6 degrees to 70. A quick calculation says that I bought roughly 3 cents of electricity for that improvement in comfort. My A/C would have taken at least 45 minutes to do the same job and probably cost close to $2.00 in energy. Pretty nice.

The installation of the whole house fan is not really too hard if you have a few tools and a little confidence. The thought of cutting a big hole in a hallway ceiling and a little hole in the wall might be a little scary for some do-it-yourselfers, but once you get past that the job is fairly easy.  It took me and my 19 year old son about 2 1/2 hours for the job, including cleanup.

I won’t get into all the details of the job (unless someone comments back with questions) because it has already been written about in many other places. Here’s just one.

I will say a couple of things about the installation, though. Very basic electrical skills are required to tap into an exisiting 120 volt source in the attic. If you are not comfortable with flipping circuit breakers then this job is not for you. A buddy who is electrically confident would be of great help here. You will also need to install the switch in an adjacent wall.

DO NOT attempt this project alone: you will just frustrate yourself if you try to do this by yourself. All of the up-and-down the ladder into and out of the attic will drive you nuts. Get a friend to help with this, and unless your wife is REALLY gullible and you don’t want nookie for a while, DO NOT ASK HER TO HELP.  Besides, she could get a little panicky at the sight of busted drywall and open ceiling joists. Send her and the kids out to Chunky Cheese for a few hours. You and your helper will look less like Tim The Toolman Taylor if she can’t see and hear the destruction/installation process.

Be prepared to make an additional trip back to the hardware store once you open the box and read the instructions. You will likely need to buy:

 (2)-8 foot long pine 1×4’s,

 (1) 2×4 8′ long to header off one joist (assuming your ceiling joists are 2×4’s. Check first.),

 Some 14-3 Romex wire to hook up the new wall switch and also to tie into power up in the attic (if your fan is a single-speed, then 14-2 wire will suffice.),

A handful of wire nuts,

A single “remodel” aka “cut in” electrical box,

A few dozen 16d nails or 2 1/2″ screws

A few dozen 10d nails or 1 1/2″ screws.

 TOOLS NEEDED

Hammer

pencil

utility knife

wire strippers

screwdrivers

A Sawzall is handy, but you can get by with hand saws

Eye protection

flashlights

pliers

adjustable wrench

Drill and bits

I know that most of us are looking for ways to save money on energy bills, and I am sure that this is going to make a noticeable improvement in ours. Also, I think that it is just very GREEN for all of us to use our air conditioners as little as possible.

We spent about $250 on the fan itself, and maybe another $30 on miscellaneaous materials. Add in a case of adult beverage if you are enlisting the help of a friend. I anticipate recouping my 300 dollar investment in under 2 months. Not bad, if you ask me.

This type of home improvement project only looks difficult because of having to remove drywall. But if you are careful with how you cut, the installation will look like a pro did it. Measure twice: cut once, as they say.

And another in-the-field observation: One would think that the shutter assembly would be shaped like a square, but it is in fact rectangular. One side is longer than the other. Word.

And do yourself a favor: keep the vacuum cleaner handy so that you can clean as you go. Your heroic stature increases exponentially if you clean up after (and before) yourself.

If you give this project a try, I would love to hear how it comes out for you.  

Blessings

Technorati Tags: Home Improvement

As inspired by A Good Husband.

To: All Chivalrous Knightly-type men.

Subject: Gender support.

Action Item: Hold more doors.

cc: Anyone else who produces testosterone.

It has come to my attention that there is an imbalance in the distribution of chivalry among men. While there seems to be an increase in overall consciousness about the subject, still too few men perform as journeymen. My hat’s off to all of you men who faithfully hold doors, defend her honor, pick up the tab, and lay your coats in puddles. Hopefully, showing courtesy and deference to the fairer sex has become second nature to you practitioners of the Manly arts by now.

The crisis at hand is this: our numbers are too small. We need to link together our kindred spirits and build up a critical mass. I don’t know what happened to place us in such peril, but here we are. The reality today is that there is too much power in too few hands. Un-chivalrous men simply don’t know what they are missing out on. They don’t know what goodly influence they could wield over their damsels, should chivalry become their banner!

Men, we shall set upon the task of opening hearts by opening doors. By Sharing the Chivalry, we will lead unknowing men by our example. We will be trend setters. Unchivalrous men will see the positive responses of our efforts on the faces of random women and marvel at our prowess. Wives of unchivalrous men will come to expect their men to act like the chivalrous men she encounters throughout the day.

It is our job to help our fellow man out. We, the few, shall embark on the noble quest of educating the masses of heretofore unknowing and unchivalrous dudes. Through our obvious and consistent example, we will unshackle them from contemporary ways of acting toward women. And in the process of breaking those liberated chains, hope will be wrought in many a marriage.

Men, here is your mission: From now on you are going to act chivalrously toward other men’s wives. We are going to teach each other the fine art of chivalrous behavior. We will start a movement: slowly at first, but gradually building into a groundswell of mature , manly behavior.

Imagine the woman who comes home to her slothful husband and announces, “Guess what happened to me today? Some very nice man held the door for me. And smiled right at me. And said how lovely I look today.” This sloth of a man will probably not be motivated to shed his postmodern ways right away, but imagine if this sort of thing happens frequently to his wife. He might be shamed into chivalry. And that, I suppose, is our goal. If shame is the tool, then I say the ends justify the means.

Now let’s discuss a bit about how to properly open a door for a lady. If such a lady is anywhere nearby and appears to be approaching your portal, stop your forward progress and wait for her to pass through. Do not turn away, but purposely face her as she moves by you. Do not touch her, though. Smile at her. This is key: Look her in the face and smile kindly. Make eye contact if you like. If she thanks you for your gesture, consider her words an invitation to say something kind in return. Always say “You are welcome”.

This brief exchange of “Thank you” and “You are welcome” is not just a mere civility, but is actually a brief foray into social intimacy that many of us let pass by unintentionally. Chivalrous men shall make the most of these opportunities as they arise. For instance, if the lady at hand happens to be your senior, it could be appropriate for you to offer an innocent compliment. ” You look very nice today” is usually apropos for a grandmotherly type. If you had not already noticed, many of the older generation go to great lengths to “fix themselves up” for something as mundane as a trip to the grocery store. Your compliment will surely validate all of her preparations.

Another response to “Thank you” would be to mention that “It has been my honor to hold a door for a lady.” Sounds a bit corny, for sure; probably because we don’t hear men elevating women as a natural path of speech. I work in construction, so I know this well. Nevertheless, the phrase is pretty safe and won’t get you clobbered with her purse. And it conveys the right message.

Other kind things to say: “It was my pleasure to meet you.” “Glad to have met.” “You have made my day.” “My honor.” “You have been a ray of sunshine.” ” I hope your day becomes as bright as mine now is.”

It is also clearly chivalrous for a man to remove his hat for a lady. There are formal guidelines for how to do this properly, but in today’s age, simply lifting one’s hat or cap signifies respect.

When a truly chivalrous man spies another man performing an act of chivalry, it is incumbent upon the chivalrous man to stop what he is doing and pay homage to this man. You never know- this might be a fledgling effort of a chivalry neophyte, and your encouragement might be the validation he needed to shore up his manly courage to carry on the task.

You might direct your steps over to a man caught in the act of chivalry and say, “Nice job holding the door, man” . If the man is clearly already a knight, there is no need to approach him; merely catching his eye and throwing an approving glance is a more proper way to acknowledge such a man. Or, if you happen to be standing close by you might say to him subtly, “I think she blushed.”

Should you overhear a knight give a particularly clever response to a damsel’s “thank you” and wish it were your own, it is proper etiquette to ask permission to add his Signature d’expression to your repertoire. This keeps us all clear of any copyright infringement laws and gives a nice attaboy for the author.

Men, we are leaders in this movement back in time toward a more chivalrous union. Your brothers will someday thank you for your sacrifice. We trust that, once our ladies experience their men acting like real men, they will in turn feel free to treat us as men.

Tough love will also need to be judiciously applied if we are to alter the wooden hearts of unchivalrous men. Should a man of honor spy a man who, intentionally or not, fails to yield respect to a woman at a door, the man of honor may beg apologies for the other man. Chivalrous man should approach the lady from the front and, keeping a respectful distance, ask forgiveness for his fellow man. No need to further defame the door-dropper at this juncture. Should it become apparent that the lady is about to retreat through the same doorway, chivalrous man should certainly try to right the earlier wrong by asking, “Might I hold the door for you on your way out?” In this case, moderate dishonor has been put upon the offending male, yet not so much that he should feel the need to engage in fisticuffs in the parking lot.

And one more thing. I suggest you tell your wives about your membership in the Association of Chivalrous Men. Let her know exactly what it is you are doing holding doors for other women, and ask her if she agrees that you are, in fact, improving the lot of all women. You need her on your side in this quest.

In this early stage of the chivalry campaign, we are just concentrating upon the basic gesture of holding a door for a lady. Look for further instructions once this effort gains a foothold.

Blessings . . . and Courage

Technorati Tags: chivalry

The raccoons were at it again night before last. See this post for more. Rummaging around the yard, picking fruit off the trees, snacking on dogfood, bathing in the swimming pool. Pooping on the patio. The usual raccoon stuff.

If they are gonna dine at my place, the least they could do would be to leave their turds on the grass alongside all the unscooped Labrador poops.

I pride myself on being able to sleep through most anything. Earthquakes. Baby cries. That sound one makes as they are sprinting to the toilet with food poisoning. Police helicopters overhead. My own gas. Raccoons banging on the patio slider.

Years of practice have fine-tuned my tune-out ability, which also includes knowing which sound(s) need immediate attention. Such is the panicky tone when my relatively reasonable spouse is awakened by large rodents. (I know raccoons are not rodents at all, but at 3:30am, staring through the window into the darkness: anything not a dog is a rodent). She inflects my name in such a way as to convey that her internal fear monster is about to irrationally pummel her husband to goo if he doesn’t DO SOMETHING. NOW.

Our usual routine is to get to bed somewhere around 11:00pm, and I typically get up at 5ish. Six hours sleep is not too bad for me. But the masked critters’ 3:30 visits are reducing my sleep time by an hour and a half. Not good. Especially not good if papa is cutting out nookie just so he can get the extra half hour (an hour on a good night;) ) of needed rest.

Time for action, if there is going to be time for action.

The next morning, after she got to sleep in, I asked the lovely and accommodating Postmistress to give the local animal shelter a call, just to see if they would come out and deal with the unwanted guests. I figured they would just come out and trap the critters and haul them away somewhere.

The first guy she talks to at the City says, “Yep they are a problem lately. Most of ‘em carry rabies, too. If I was you I would trap them and release them somewhere else. Sorry, but the City can’t come out to do anything for ya. We are way too understaffed to be dealing with wild animals. Good luck.”

Rodents with rabies! She is on the warpath now.

Next call is to the ASPCA. They would be happy to come out and haul off the bandidtos, except that we live within the City limits. Different story if we lived in the neighboring town or in the county. “Well what would you suggest we do?” my wife asks. “Euthanize ‘em. Trap them and kill them. Don’t just drop those guys off at the city limits and make them someone else’s problem.” Says the nice animal guy at the ASPCA. ” And once they figure out that there is food somewhere: good luck keeping them away. They will keep coming back.”

“Kill ‘em” seemed a bit extreme to my gentle wife, so she calls the local animal people back and gets a different person this time. Her advice was just as precious as the “Kill ‘em” guy’s was.  She was, shall we say delicately: earthy in her approach to uninvited masked guests.

“Leave those poor creatures alone! Don’t you know that you are living in their habitat?!” was the animal lady’s opening salvo.

My wife calmly replies, “Sure they are cute and all, but a raccoon ripped the face off of our friends’ small dog. I just don’t think I want to risk my dogs or children’s smooth complexion. Besides, they carry rabies and I saw what happened to Old Yeller “.

“Ma’am”. ” May I remind you that you are a guest in those raccoons’ environment?” You just need to learn to live with them. They won’t do you any harm if you will just stay out of their way. Try to remove those things that are attracting them to your yard.”

Well, that sounds reasonable, except for a few little details. “How about the pool parties they have most nights? Would it be best for them if we kept the jacuzzi heated, too?”

“Ma’am.” “You must cover your pool.” “It is as simple as that. Covering your pool will keep them away.”

“Riiiiiight . . . Mr. El Cheapo husband is going to invest several thousand dollars into raccoon-proofing our pool . . .”

“What about my vegetables and herbs? They seem to be attracted to those, too.”

“Ma’am.” “I SAID:” “Remove everything that might be drawing the raccoons into your yard and that includes fruits and vegetables. Make them inaccessible to the animals or remove them from your yard.”

“So I am to construct a mesh cage around most of the plants in my yard. How attractive to make my yard look like a prison. And that makes it so handy to pick my tomatoes as they ripen. Seriously, I can’t imagine that the expense of all this fencing could justify the savings of growing our own veggies. Does the animal shelter also sell Concertina wire?”

“Ma’am.” “Ma’am.” “You are not to do anything to relocate or harm those creatures or otherwise modify their behavior. If you will just take away any reason for them to visit your yard, eventually they will leave you alone.”

“You mentioned our fruit trees.”

“Ma’am.” “Of course you can’t have any fruit around your house. Many animals are drawn to ripening fruit. You must pick it all before it ripens. Then the raccoons won’t have reason to come near.”

“So let me get this straight . . . In order for me to deal naturally with this problem, I must: A) Keep our dogs locked inside:. B) Not let our kids play in the backyard: C) Buy an expensive pool cover:D) Enclose our edible plants in steel cages: E) Not allow our oranges, limes, avocados, peaches and blackberries to ripen into edible food. Is that what you are suggesting I do to keep this family of raccoons out of our yard?”

“Ma’am.” “This is no laughing matter.” “It is not as bad as you are trying to make it out to be. It is your responsibility to treat those innocent animals properly. You cannot trap them in cages. We will not accept wild animals here at the Shelter.”

“Does the Animal Shelter also rent out small bulldozers?”

“Ma’am.” “Of course we do not want you to destroy any plants! Just take the proper precautions and wild animals will not venture into your yard. It really is quite simple.” “Ma’am.”  ” And remember: the Animal Shelter does not accept wild animals. You must deal with this humanely.”

“Did I mention that the ASPCA guy said that we should euthanize them?”

“MA’AAAAAAAAAM.”  “You CANNOT DO such a thing!”  “Ma’am”. “If you will just do everything I have told you to do then the little raccoons will not bother you. They will have no reason to come into your yard. It really is very simple and there should be no reason to resort to harming them.”

“So your suggestion is to make them someone else’s problem, then.”

“Ma’am.” “That is not at all what I meant! These are natural creatures and we all need to remember that we are living within their environment. We need to work with them to modify their behavior so that we can all get along.”

“Soooo . . . Will you guarantee that, if we implement all the measures you suggested, we will never have raccoons in our yard?”

“Ma’am.” “Of course I cannot guarantee any such thing. These are wild animals we are talking about here. They are curious creatures, and it would be in their nature to want to explore everywhere that might have food. The backyards of humans is a likely place in their minds. Of course they will want to exercise their natural curiosity. Of course they will continue to forage for food.”

“Sounds to me like we just went in a big circle. You are telling me to expend great effort for a solution that, at best will transfer my problem to another family, and at worst not work at all.”

“I think I will tell my husband that you agree with the Kill ‘em guy over at the ASPCA. He will take care of it from there.”

“Ma’am.” “Aaaaarrrrgh.”  CLICK.

And the Shelter lady hung up.

Whew! Sorry it took me so long to get to my question. This was just tooooo juicy. And it really happened (basically) the way I recounted it.

So I am interested in YOUR opinion: How should I handle my little “situation”?

Do I go with the nuclear option or the earthy option? Or maybe there is a compromise?

I am interested to hear from you: I don’t care whether you have real experience with ‘coons or if you have never seen one before in your life. Just tell me what you think I should do to get my nights back.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: fun stuff, marriage, raising kids

Gather ‘round the easy chair, son, ‘cause Papa’s got a story to tell.

Now I know you already know about the birds and bees. (I don’t who the Sam Hill thought to call it that. I have never seen bees do it, but I know for sure that those birds are only doing it once a year. No thanks to that. But I digress . . .) 

There are some other facts of life that you need to know about and prepare for. 

Of course you all know that when a girl gets her first period, we call it Menarche. This milestone event grants the young woman the right to play the PMS card whenever she feels a bitchy inclination. Her period is basically a “get out of jail free” card. Fair enough, I suppose. I feel her pain if that bloaty feeling is anything like what I get 15 minutes after a really big meal at Chevy’s Tex-Mex. Sometimes, if I go all weekend without caffeine, I feel the need to strangle the breath out of anyone who whispers at me too loudly. If that withdrawl headache is anything like what my wife feels every month, then I surely sympathize with her PMS headache. 

Then, after many, many, many years of “Shark week” every month; her period stops. Well, it doesn’t just stop right away, but eventually it dwindles to nothing. We call this time of her life Menopause. Menopause presents its own mixed bag of blessings. On one hand, she bids adieu to all the Kotex paraphernalia but one the other hand, her hormones have regrouped for a new attack on her sanity. On one hand her sex drive may return in spades, on the other hand her husband might need Viagra to keep pace. 

You are probably feeling left out right about now. “I want a hormonal challenge, too” you might be thinking. “Why should women have all the fun?” 

Well, scoot closer, and let me tell you about your special “Man-time”. It is called Midlife Crisis, and I don’t want you to be surprised when it happens to you. In fact, I want you to be really prepared for it when it arrives. A guy never really knows when the blessing might fall on him, but it commonly happens between the ages of  40 and 60. I have even heard of a few men who have had it happen to them more than once.

I’ve got some tips for how to have a rip roaring Mid-life crisis. I want you to be prepared for this very special time and you might even want to print off this list and stick it to your fridge in case you might forget any points.

It is never too soon to begin getting yourself ready. 

Like they say in the Boy Scouts, “Be prepared”. You will want this time of your life to be special.

HOW TO HAVE A MIDLIFE CRISIS 

• Over-save for retirement. Plow all of your extra money into your 401k. Forget taking little weekend trips with your wife. Don’t waste money on flowers and such: She will surely agree that forgoing displays of affection until age 72 will make her happy. Don’t waste money on stuff like camping gear or fishing trips with the boys. They should understand that you need that dough for later.
• Look at porn. After all, the wifey is “settling” a bit after having those kids. And a guy has gotta look sometimes . . . Seriously, you will desire your wife all the more if you have a teenage airbrushed model in mind to compare her to. Even a little peeking at porn can help you build a strong marriage foundation that will really help you with your midlife crisis. I hear most wives secretly admire men who spank the monkey and look at dirty pictures at the same time.
• Pick up all the overtime work you can. Again, why hang out at home when you can be at work raising your tax bracket? The tight bonds your money forms with your family while you are at work can never be broken. Overtime pay gives you the ability to give those trinkets of love. You can give of your time later, after retirement.
•  Watch a lot of sports on TV.  Alternate: get really good on the Playstation. Yup, your mastery of sports trivia minutia  will go a long way towards a successful mid life crisis. Knowing Jose Canseco’s ring size gives a man a real sense of purpose in this world. Similarly, your ability to knock out Institutionalized on expert, with your eyes closed will surely make your transition into the crisis so much smoother.
• Keep your feelings bottled up. After all, this is what men do best. Why divulge your innermost thoughts when you can let them fester for years? There is no better path to a rip-roaring midlife crisis than letting your frustrations and expectations build up into some sort of emotional boil. I would recommend lancing it when there is lots of pressure built up inside. Makes quite a show, though cleanup is extensive.
• Grow a beer gut. Nothing like drinking with the guys, or alone in front of the tube to prepare one’s self for the Men-O-Pause. That gut is a symbol of my man-time spent away from my family. That Michelin Middle is a sure sign that the man wearing it prefers his Bud lite to his Little Buddy.
• Avoid Church. Who needs more conviction in their life, anyway? What if you met some guys there who would have the audacity to hold you to any sort of standards? This would not bode well for a successful Crisis. Besides, what if you actually got involved and people started to look up to you? How could you possibly pull off a crisis then?
• Buy a really big house. One that requires all of your Saturdays for yard work and maintenance. Men-O-Pause goes so much smoother when you are looking out at your perfectly manicured lawn from your wine cellar. The admiration of your colleagues is so totally worth the sacrifice.
• Be a really nice guy. That’s it . . . be a doormat for most of your life. Never say no to anyone and try to fulfill everyone else’s wishes.  Little compares to waking up to the reality of “my life as a doormat”. This guarantees a rocket launch into midlife crisis that could require a trip to the Ward. Extra points for pulling this one off.
• Hang out with your single buddies. That way you can be constantly reminded of all the fun you are missing out on when you are forced into a Date Night or worse yet, Family Game Night. Ugh. Your single friends know instinctively  how to pull off a midlife crisis, because most of them are living it already. I am sure you will serve as a role model for them.
• Avoid community service. Why hang out with those losers? They might remind me of how good I really have it at home. Visiting shut in seniors or tutoring inner city kids is certainly no way to nurse my well deserved breakdown. Besides getting a visceral reminder of my blessings, I might actually gain a greater sense of self worth by giving freely of my time to others.
• Be an Ogre. This way nobody in my family will want to be with me if not forced to. Feeling unloved and unappreciated is the spice of an expertly prepared crisis. By purposefully becoming an ogre, my grown kids will have no desire to come home to visit. In this way, the ogre’s pain also spills over to his wife, if she is still with him.  Ogre-like behavior typically forces the wife into activities outside the household, causing the ogre to feel even more unloved and disrespected. The resultant self-pity will serve up an especially delicious midlife banquet. Ogre behavior sets up an especially effective negative feedback loop, too.
• Eat a poor diet.  This way you might get to take prescription drugs for stuff like high blood pressure. BP meds often cause Erectile Dysfunction. Everyone knows that his penis is every man’s best friend, and what better way to destroy a man’s confidence than to take the wood out of Woody?

Now these are just a few ideas to set you on your way to a really successful Midlife crisis. I am sure you can come up with more. When you do, just email me. And don’t forget to tell  your friends, too.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: midlife crisis