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What to do about the perennial “Does this make my butt look big?” type questions:

As fun as it could be, I am not going to spin my wheels cracking jokes and thinking up snappy come-backs. Maybe another time.

Are you tired of wearing that deer-in-the-headlights look every time she asks those trick(y) questions? Sick of saying the wrong thing? Read on, my friend: there’s hope yet.

I hope to clarify in our minds a basic, but often forgotten truth: we think differently than our wives. This is a Mac vs PC issue. Our brains process stuff totally differently. Failure to account for our differences is the primary cause of quick trips to the flower shop.

“Duh. I already knew that.”

Good, now step 2: Apply this knowledge of our differences to save your sorry heinie from making stupid responses to tricky questions.

Let’s review the basics of our unique thought processes: (and may I just generalize to simplify things?)

WIFE: Thinks in terms of relationship building. Nurturing. How words make others feel. Nesting. Basic insecurity about her body image. Notices you noticing other women and thinks she is being compared. Connecting emotionally is highly valued. Marks important dates on the calendar so she can Hallmark bond.

HUSBAND: Visual and tactile oriented. Hoards alone time. Notices other women. Notices his woman. Reads wife’s calendar a day late. Fixer of things. Conserver of words. Contemplates any and all opportunities for sex no matter how far fetched.

OK, now that I have overgeneralized; let’s get to the meat of the matter. What is the RIGHT response to the “butt question”? Sorry, you don’t get off so easy. There is no one right answer, and the right answer today is probably not right the next time she asks.

But there is a right way to think about the question- and it goes back to our differences in how we process thought. Remember? You are thinking like a man, and that is why your answers usually get you in trouble.

The question only sounds like she said, “does my butt look big?” What she REALLY meant to say was “I saw you glance at Sarah’s butt yesterday and I know hers is small and tight and she hasn’t had kids how dare you compare me to her. I see the cellulite, do you still think I am hot? How I look to you is important to me and I want reassurance that you don’t just love me for my body. I really think I am fat I bet you are sorry you married me. Please say something that tells me that you are deeply emotionally connected to me. I feel guilty for asking you this question, but please get it right.”

And what does Mr. typical guy say? “Uhhhhhhhh. Looks fine to me.”

No wonder she won’t do it with the lights on.

Dude, she knows exactly what her a$$ looks like. That is not the question. Well, maybe it is 10% of it. SHE IS ASKING YOU A RELATIONAL QUESTION BECAUSE HER BRAIN IS WIRED RELATIONALLY.

Answer her real question for a change. Try something like this (YMMV) “Funny you should mention your ass just now, because I have been thinking about it all day. And smiling every time I picture you running around the house chasing the kids, reading books, and fixing their cheese sammiches. I picture your cute heinie as you push a shopping cart of kids around the grocery store, carefully picking out the food that you know will please all of us. Today, I imagined your butt wiggling like it does as you did the “underdoggie” for the kids at the swings. I need you to know that you and your butt turn me on, and I am so thankful that you are my wife. I am wildly in love with all of you. I am the luckiest man ever.”

There. You answered her question.

Stretch marks have prompted more than my fair share of tricky questions. The tough thing about stretch marks is that she can’t do anything to get rid of them. Baby fat can be dieted away, but the stretchies are here to stay. When asked about them, I usually just said that they didn’t bother me. I just accepted them as a normal part of bearing children. No biggie to me.

After getting the same question asked of me over and over through the years, I finally figured out that I wasn’t speaking her language: I was leaving the issue unresolved in her mind by my half-answers. So I decided to prepare an answer that would answer her woman question.

Next time she asked what I thought about her stretch marks, I was prepared. I considered her question woman style. “Honey, I notice you like to set out our Snapfish books and old photo albums on the counters, and that you like to put family pictures on the wall. Why do you display those things?” I queried.

“Because I like to keep those memories fresh. Looking at those things reminds me of where we have been as a family.”

“And this is exactly how I feel about your stretchmarks. They are nothing but beautiful because they are mementos of our family. They give me reminders of all of your pregnancies, and the fun times we had with that baby belly. They remind me of the tough times, too. But that is okay, ’cause we stuck together. All are reminders of the story of our family. For me to wish the stretchies away is to, in a sense, wish away our memories together. I suppose they are like a roadmap of our relationship. I didn’t expect that your body would always look 21. I am honored that you have shared it with me and our kids, and the little marks are just testament to your devotion to us. They cause me to love you more deeply. It is our relationship written on your skin. They enhance your beauty.”

She got it. I just had to learn wife-think to get my feelings across.

Trying to “wife-think” doesn’t come naturally for me. I find that I make a lot of “man-speak” errors before I remember to put on my “wife-think” cap. Being Mr. Fix-it is especially problematic for me. Seems I never know when she just wants me to listen to her spill her guts, or if she wants me to take control and fix things. Rarely do I get this right.

Now I just ask. After I sense that enough communicating time has gone by, I ask the question. “Honey, I could sit here and talk about this all day if that is what you want. Are you needing to vent right now, or were you hoping that I would take the burden from you and fix-it?” Not romantic, but being direct seems to work OK with her wife-think processing. Maybe she just understands that I am only a man trying to get inside her head.

One more example of wife-think: Shopping with her. Ugh. “Honey, I am going clothes shopping, do you want to come and help me out?

Could a question be any more loaded for bear?

Your man-brain shouts “HALLELUJAH ! ! ! Take as long as you need. I will just be here in my boxers flipping between the Sci-Fi channel and ESPN. Have a good time, dear. Promise I will clean up the kitchen while you are at the mall. Lord, how I hate to be left standing outside the changing rooms of endless clothing stores while you leave piles of ill fitting garments for the poor girl to put away for you. And why do you never show me any of the stuff you try on in that dressing room anyway? And besides, you never take my advise. ”

Ahhhh . . . but we are more sophisticated now. Before answering, the newly enlightened man thinks to himself, ” She never asks me to shop with her anymore because I always made such a fuss and pouted at the dressing room door. Wonder why she is trying again to get me to go with her. Could it be that she values my opinion? Could it be that she wants to dress to please ME?

BINGO ! ! ! Give the man his prize! Shopping can be a realtionship building exercise!

“Sure honey, I would love to go shopping with you.” Now, you probably are not aware of this, but there is a corollary to the Biblical admonition to never lie. It recognizes that a man can say such foolishness if it is intended to better the relationship. Technically this is not a lie. Of course you would rather catch the game. But your motives are pure. You are forgiven.

The next problem is that you know she will ask your opinion about if some top will match some pair of shoes you never noticed she even owned. She always asks and you always sport that deer in the headlights look. Not this time, man. We have a plan.

“Are you going to look for anything in particular, dear?”

“We are going over to the Smiths tomorrow night and I need a top to go with my khaki shorts.”

At this juncture, you tell her that you need to use the restroom before you go. You don’t need to go: you need to do some reconnaissance. Find her khaki shorts and memorize them. Pleats? Taper leg? Shade of khaki? Does it need a belt? Solid or pattern to it? How high above the knee does the material stop? What shoes does she wear with them? Commit her closet to memory as best you can.

Casually, as you are helping her into the car, ask her what shoes she plans to wear with this outfit. If you paid attention to her closet, you will be able to say something like, “Oh, are you talking about the brown leather ones with the little heel or the more open toed flats with the little round brass ring thing on the top? Expect a quiet ride to the mall as she tries to figure you out. You are on your game.

Once you get parked and into the clothing store, help her shop. You have a picture in your mind of what she is shopping for because you reconned the closet. Don’t be afraid to grab several tops from racks and give them to her to try on. Ask her to try them on and come out of the dressing room to show you each one. Give her your honest opinion. Make this important to you.

You might sense that she isn’t happy about the selection in this particular store, but she knows from experience that you are not patient enough to wander into yet another women’s clothing store. Take the lead: “I think we need to try another store. I can see that you are not thrilled with what you are seeing here. Which one is your next favorite?”This is so your game.

And stick with it. Enjoy being with her. Compliment her figure. Tell her why one thing looks better than another. Do not complain about the price. Stop and get a frozen yogurt. Never hint that you are missing the game on TV. Appreciate the fact that she wants her clothes to please you. You, my man, are melting her heart. Tell her that you actually surprised yourself at how much you have enjoyed shopping with her. You would like to do it again (forgiven).

I guarantee that your little foray into wife-think will motivate her to do some husband-think for herself. She knows what is perpetually on your mind. By the end of this evening, there is not a chance that you will regret missing the game on TV.

Besides, you were so on your game today. You remembered to Tivo.

Blessings

Are you “doin’ that crazy hand jive”?

I am really not sure what possessed me to post about this, but sometimes you just gotta throw down and deal with the consequences . . .

Today’s topic is not about a dance move, if you haven’t picked up on the double entendre yet.

Masturbation:

That’s the crazy hand jive we are gonna discuss.

And I will be so totally Not Offended if you choose to read no further and come back tomorrow.

But if you are still with me, I hope we can push past our embarrassment and talk about something that will improve your marriage. I will confess that this discussion happened only recently in our marriage, and the positive results make me very sorry that we didn’t talk more openly from the very beginning. I was ashamed, so I didn’t feel compelled to initiate talk about this very delicate subject. Turns out that my shame, or embarrassment, was misplaced. She appreciated knowing more about my sexuality, to my great surprise. And she responded, errrr, copiously.

When our kids were little, we made sure that they had an age-appropriate understanding of marital intimacy. It was easy to tell them that “Mommies and Daddies like to hug and cuddle. And a really special part of being married is getting to live and sleep together. Sex is special cuddling that only mommies and daddies do.” This level of “birds and bees” talk was pretty easy, and the euphemisms were fun.

As the kids got older, the “talks” got more into the mechanics of how babies come about and the like. Often these conversations got started quite organically, like the time our little daughter walked into our bathroom when both mom and dad were undressed. “Mommy, why you not have tail like daddy?” was her entree into basic human plumbing 101.

Our oldest 2 kids are boys, so as they approached puberty the “talks” fell into the dad’s jurisdiction. Unfortunately, my parents never told me squat about getting hair down there, morning wood, blue balls, masturbation and the like. We just didn’t talk about sex, period. But I determined that I would do better by my boys, so I very nervously set about trying to create an atmosphere of free expression about sex no matter the topic. I can’t say that we have it down pat, but let me share a joke that our oldest boy told us at the dinner table just last night:

“Dad, have you heard on the news about those babies that are being born with eyelid deformities? Yea, it is really sad, but some doctor came up with a miracle surgery. Somehow he uses the foreskins of circumcised babies and fixes the deformity. The procedure is very effective, except that the babies end up a little cock-eyed.”  We all have a good laugh, even the 11 year old daughter. “Kate, what are laughing about: you don’t know anything about cocks”, says the joke-teller.

“Oh yes I do. I know it is that thing you hold on to inside your pants when you are watching TV. Duh.”

OK, so maybe this kind of dinner table talk is a little more raucous than most Christian families would tolerate, but this Christian man and his wife want to enable their kids to talk about difficult, even sexual subjects, with those who love them. Yes we have talked about masturbation, but not at the dinner table, at least not yet.

And if our little family can benefit from dinner table nasty talk, why can’t my manmail family also benefit from speaking openly about taboo subjects?

I would guess that the typical reader of manmail (and I would like to thank all 2.625 of you) is both married and male. “I am married now: Why would I want to talk about masturbation? That is something just single guys need to do.”

Because you didn’t stop doin’ the hand jive.

Maybe some of you did, but I doubt it. For sure, the early months of marital bliss fooled you into thinking that the days of self satisfaction were blessedly gone. But at some point most guys pick the habit back up.

(Did you notice that I said masturbation and Christianin the same paragraph earlier? Have you decided yet whether I am for it or agin it? Me neither. Keep reading.)

Lots of things might cause us to revert back to our old whacky ways, and they pretty much all involve some type of stress or stressful situation. Could be pregnancy. Or a really big fight.  Stress at work. Unresolved anger. Boredom. Feelings of inadequacy. The length of the list of potential precursors would cause your wife’s jaw to hit the floor, undoubtedly.

Here is how I talked to my boys about masturbation: I told them that is natural for them to want to explore and understand their sexuality, their manhood. A penis is a pretty curious appendage, if you think about it, and typically most guys like to figure out how things work. It is just natural to be inquisitive. You are going to figure how to work that thing and that an orgasm feels good. Sometimes it relieves that great pressure you can get in your balls. But masturbation is not usually your best choice. It is not necessarily wrong, but it is often the result of making unwise choices. Like looking at pornographic images. Like having too much ”alone” time with a girl and giving yourself blueballs. Like giving yourself the right to so much free time that your mind can’t help but wander to inappropriate places.

And so I say a similar thing to you married men: It isn’t necessarily wrong, but it is an accurate indicator that there is something amiss in your relationship with your wife. There is a reason that you are pleasuring yourself to avoid intimacy with your wife.  There is always a reason we choose to give a brief moment of orgasmic pleasure to ourselves instead of investing that same time into our intimacy with our wife.

And no, the Bible doesn’t have much to say about this subject. Some preachers will mention the “sin of Onan”, but that passage is completely not about masturbation. Way off base.

The Bible does indirectly discuss masturbation, in the context of denying love or affection to your spouse. It seems to indicate that if you can do it to yourself in such a way as to not cause your spouse to feel cheated or less loved (or icky about the whole thing), then I suppose you have the right to do it for yourself. Perhaps “concession” would be a word to apply to this activity: not the most noble of endeavors, but okay if both agree about it. But It would seem to me that your wife would need to be aware of and approving of this activity for it to have any chance of becoming edifying to your relationship. 

So, yes, there might good and legitimate reasons for a married man to masturbate. This situation could qualify: your wife is pregnant or seriously ill and has physical restrictions. She knows that you get grumpy after prolonged abstinence and encourages you care for yourself temporarily.  Or perhaps you two are physically apart because of work: a little phone sex (with each other) with a happy ending could be just the ticket. Maybe you are a guy who is (ahem) rather quick. She might appreciate the extra endurance that a handjob done in advance could give you. (’Course, she could do that job for you. Just saying.)

But I believe the vast majority of the time, we are doing it to avoid intimacy. Not good. Not good because masturbation doesn’t feed our soul. It just gets us off. But that good feeling is so fleeting: “Oh great, my balls feel better but I’m still frustrated, the stressful situation is still there. Back to reality now, except now that my ejaculation urge is satisfied, I feel even less motivated to try to connect with my wife. Maybe I will just beat off again tonight after she falls asleep.” Follow me?

Sorry for being blunt about this.

Another HUGE reason guys masturbate is because they are choosing to look at pornography. This is NEVER good or right, and I am so happy to see more man blogs taking this stance. They say it is addicting: I don’t know. I do know that looking at that stuff is like injecting nitrous oxide into your sex drive. Problem is that you are using images of other women to do it. Going through the process of initiation, arousal, and ejaculation is pretty much called having sex. And in this case it is with someone you haven’t even met or know. Ask your wife how she feels about this: Bet she says that sounds like adultery to her. It does to me , too. Next time you’ve got a porno mag in your left hand and your woody in the right: consider that masturbation is adultery.

Some men become habitual masturbators because they are convinced that their wife’s sex drive is so much different than their own. This may be true for you, but it is more likely true that you have not allowed yourself to meet her intimacy needs. Generally, when a wife’s need for emotional and spiritual connection are met she becomes much more turned on and responsive to her man’s sexual initiation. It is even likely that she will initiate sex more often with you when her tank is full. I am not saying that she will necessarily feel the same physical pressure you do to seek release, but a wife who’s emotional and spiritual tank is overflowing will most certainly be most receptive to her husband’s advances.

Who would have thought that the thing that frustrates many men: mismatched drives: is most likely perpetuated by the activity that he supposes will relieve his tension: masturbation? (And, yes, I know that there are a fair number of couples out there where the wife has a higher drive than the husband. I am guilty of generalization and stereotyping.)

You might even be doing it for righteous reasons, like believing that your sex drive is putting unfair pressure on your wife to perform. So you help yourself so that she doesn’t feel like you are some kind of maniac; what with wanting her every other day or more. Odds are good that she would choose to be intimate more often rather than picture you taking care of yourself in the bathroom. I will buy you a cup of coffee if this doesn’t prove to be true.

It seems to be accepted as gospel that the only thing on men’s minds is sex. You know; “every six seconds”, blah blah blah. WRONG-O. Sure an orgasm feels good. But the big secret is that men (real manly men anyway) crave intimacy just as much as our wives do. Problem is that we do stupid stuff that causes our wives to believe we prefer sexualness over intimacy. Like staring at other women’s breasts. Or going to Hooters for lunch with the guys. Or masturbating. Nothing like like a solo ejaculation to prove this point to her. She needs to become 100% certain she is the one and only locus of focus of your sexual attention. She needs to know that you prefer her even more than you love your own orgasms.

How about the guy that secretly masturbates while thinking of his wife doing all those things to/on/with/for him that she doesn’t do now? This is certainly better than gawking at porn, for sure. But is this guy just setting himself up for disappointment if she never becomes his Madonna? I think this kind of thinking has the great potential to cause a man to become bitter at her for his unspoken fantasies. Not that fantasies are necessarily wrong: He just needs to include her in the festivities if he intends to keep intimacy alive in their marriage. She married you with the hopes of being that special one person who could thrill you: Give her the chance and stop doin’ that crazy hand jive.

“I masturbate because it is less lonely than the duty sex she doles out.” Oh man, this one cuts close to the hearts of so many men. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge when a couple gets to this stage. If you find yourself feeling this way I strongly suggest talking to your wife about your feelings and seeking experienced counsel. You are close to the brink. That hand jive might be keeping you alive, but it is just a band-aid on a shark bite.

“Our schedules are just too crazy for us to get together for sex very often. I masturbate to take the edge off.” May I just state the obvious? YOU ARE TOO FREAKIN’ BUSY ! Now I am not talking about the periodic busy times that come up occasionally, like at the holidays. But in general, if you are so busy that palm time is all you can manage, then it is a good bet that your wife is not getting her emotional needs met either. Does this sound like a sustainable situation? I suggest making immediate corrections, even if it means giving up the time share in Cancun.

So we are nearly 2100 words into a taboo subject and you are still reading. Good Lord, you are patient.

Here is the crux of the matter: We can spin our wheels all day long debating the rightness or wrongness of the Big M and probably not sway anyone’s opinion. 

What is not up for debate is the fact that masturbation within a marriage is a measure of deeper issues within the two individuals.  I guess it just took me this long to say that if you are doin’ the hand jive very often at all, I would start looking introspectively at the reasons. Sorry for being so long worded.  

Men, we are doin’ that crazy hand jive as a response to stress and unmet expectations. It would be the manly thing to address these issues before they bust up your marriage, or at least rob the joy of marriage from you. Don’t you feel it is part of your duty to your kids to demonstrate and live out a happy and fulfilled marriage?

OK, so here is my challenge to you: talk to your wife about the hand jive. Tonight. Print off a copy of this post and show it to her: use it as a discussion starter. I threw it down- now you pick it up and run with it.

I guarantee that, if you haven’t had this talk already, this will be one of the most difficult and awkward talks you two have had to date. But, if your experience is half as good as mine your relationship and trust in one another will blossom because you initiated this conversation about such a touchy subject.

Let me know how it goes. And tell me how to get that little tune out of my head now.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: communication, marriage, sex

Persistence. Stick to-itiveness. Tenacity. Bulldog spirit. Stubbornness. Strong willed. Tenacity.

These qualities might help a person get ahead in their career and might even earn them some fame. But just how valuable are these qualities when my wife and I find ourselves fighting? Will she appreciate the fact that I am willing to fight to the death over the color of the new beadspread? I think not.

A manly man steels his mind to a commitment that he will be the first one to “give in” when in a disagreement with his wife. Every time. No matter who is right or wrong. This kind of stubbornness is becoming of a man. Dragging out a fight so long that one has to retreat to the couch for the night is not a manly way to handle disagreements.

Extreme Deathmatch :Home Makeover Edition  is certainly not a manly pursuit. Knowing how to give in first gracefully is a mark of maturity.

Don’t get me wrong- By saying “give in first” I am not guessing at anyone’s rightness or wrongness. I am saying that someone has to be first to say “I take responsibility for working this tiff out. I want to understand your point of view and see where I might be out of line.” I believe it falls upon the manly husband to be the first to call a truce and lay down his weapons. This just demonstrates good leadership on his part. And not that a wife can’t or shouldn’t want to be first to patch things up- I just know that conflict negotiation is one of the manly arts that softens the heart of a woman.

My wife has, in the past, confessed to saying hurtful things in the “heat of battle” just so she could get me madder. I was and am guilty of taking the bait sometimes and allowing things to escalate. But those times when I refuse to “go there”- she (after things cool down between us) has told me how much she respects me when I choose not to let her provoke me to fight. Her trust in me actually grows each time I give in first. Any more, it is a very rare time that we will actually get to the point of fighting about a disagreement.

A real man is free to look “wrong” if that is what it takes to set the relationship right. A real man knows that his first order of business, always, is to secure the marriage relationship first then later go about dealing with “he said-she said”.  One way to do this is to commit to give in first when the inevitable blow-up happens.

I really am just being practical here. By dropping my defenses early on, I lessen the chances that I will say something really stupid in the heat of the moment. You know those killer phrases that start out with “You always______________” or “You never_______________” or “I hate it when you_____________”. Why add the baggage of those type of statements to the remaining balance of our relationship?

Also, I am not saying that “giving in” means that you need to just absolve your wife of all responsibility for your conflict. Neither am I saying that it is a good idea to just make nice and capitulate entirely to her way of thinking. A manly man drops his defenses early in the fray in order to avoid collateral damage. A manly man has his priorities straight: and winning this battle is never of greater importance than the integrity of the union.

“Giving in” means giving up on your right to fight. It is prioritizing the health of your marriage over the satisfaction your pride feels when you force a win. I see my pride as the primary reason I choose to nurture a disagreement. I like to be right. Check out this passage out of the Bible (Proverbs 6:16-19):
16  These six things the Lord hates, indeed, seven are an abomination to Him:

17  A proud look (the spirit that makes one overestimate himself and underestimate others), a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,

18  A heart that manufactures wicked thoughts and plans, feet that are swift in running to evil,

19  A false witness who breathes out lies.

Notice the order of things here: I see murder, evil thought, slander, etc. But what stands out, to me anyway, is the fact that the list is topped by PRIDE. It looks to me like God hates the pride in my heart even more than He hates murder. Ouch. That hits close to home.

And it is exactly this pride of self righteousness that motivates me to want to win a fight. To beat her in the argument. To be willing to belittle her just so I can feel the rush of victory. To call upon past “forgiven” injustices if that will help me win.

But am I really winning when I come out on top of a disagreement? The only winner is my pride in this case.

This is why I advocate being the first to give in. It necessarily puts my pride in second position and places my wife and our relationship in first place. At this point the conflict surely still exists as it did before, but my sorry pride is set aside long enough for me to begin to hear her side. With my pride (and probably my anger, too) put in its place I am set free to see a proper perspective of the value of our relationship.

One simple way to give in first might be call a truce as soon as you sense anger or frustration. Admit to your wife what you are feeling. Tell her that you want to honor her even when we disagree. Ask for a 5 minute break from discussion and get alone to write her a brief love note. Tell her what you are doing and why. It is probably immaterial that you even share what you wrote in the note; the point is to rid your mind of the pride that encourages you to continue arguing and gain fresh perspective on the woman whom you love (and need).

Giving in first is really tough, especially when I feel like I have been righteously wronged. It is my pride that instructs me to want to “win” this fight despite the cost to our intimacy. A manly man, though, demonstrates that he values relationship more than winning.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: marriage

As inspired by A Good Husband.

To: All Chivalrous Knightly-type men.

Subject: Gender support.

Action Item: Hold more doors.

cc: Anyone else who produces testosterone.

It has come to my attention that there is an imbalance in the distribution of chivalry among men. While there seems to be an increase in overall consciousness about the subject, still too few men perform as journeymen. My hat’s off to all of you men who faithfully hold doors, defend her honor, pick up the tab, and lay your coats in puddles. Hopefully, showing courtesy and deference to the fairer sex has become second nature to you practitioners of the Manly arts by now.

The crisis at hand is this: our numbers are too small. We need to link together our kindred spirits and build up a critical mass. I don’t know what happened to place us in such peril, but here we are. The reality today is that there is too much power in too few hands. Un-chivalrous men simply don’t know what they are missing out on. They don’t know what goodly influence they could wield over their damsels, should chivalry become their banner!

Men, we shall set upon the task of opening hearts by opening doors. By Sharing the Chivalry, we will lead unknowing men by our example. We will be trend setters. Unchivalrous men will see the positive responses of our efforts on the faces of random women and marvel at our prowess. Wives of unchivalrous men will come to expect their men to act like the chivalrous men she encounters throughout the day.

It is our job to help our fellow man out. We, the few, shall embark on the noble quest of educating the masses of heretofore unknowing and unchivalrous dudes. Through our obvious and consistent example, we will unshackle them from contemporary ways of acting toward women. And in the process of breaking those liberated chains, hope will be wrought in many a marriage.

Men, here is your mission: From now on you are going to act chivalrously toward other men’s wives. We are going to teach each other the fine art of chivalrous behavior. We will start a movement: slowly at first, but gradually building into a groundswell of mature , manly behavior.

Imagine the woman who comes home to her slothful husband and announces, “Guess what happened to me today? Some very nice man held the door for me. And smiled right at me. And said how lovely I look today.” This sloth of a man will probably not be motivated to shed his postmodern ways right away, but imagine if this sort of thing happens frequently to his wife. He might be shamed into chivalry. And that, I suppose, is our goal. If shame is the tool, then I say the ends justify the means.

Now let’s discuss a bit about how to properly open a door for a lady. If such a lady is anywhere nearby and appears to be approaching your portal, stop your forward progress and wait for her to pass through. Do not turn away, but purposely face her as she moves by you. Do not touch her, though. Smile at her. This is key: Look her in the face and smile kindly. Make eye contact if you like. If she thanks you for your gesture, consider her words an invitation to say something kind in return. Always say “You are welcome”.

This brief exchange of “Thank you” and “You are welcome” is not just a mere civility, but is actually a brief foray into social intimacy that many of us let pass by unintentionally. Chivalrous men shall make the most of these opportunities as they arise. For instance, if the lady at hand happens to be your senior, it could be appropriate for you to offer an innocent compliment. ” You look very nice today” is usually apropos for a grandmotherly type. If you had not already noticed, many of the older generation go to great lengths to “fix themselves up” for something as mundane as a trip to the grocery store. Your compliment will surely validate all of her preparations.

Another response to “Thank you” would be to mention that “It has been my honor to hold a door for a lady.” Sounds a bit corny, for sure; probably because we don’t hear men elevating women as a natural path of speech. I work in construction, so I know this well. Nevertheless, the phrase is pretty safe and won’t get you clobbered with her purse. And it conveys the right message.

Other kind things to say: “It was my pleasure to meet you.” “Glad to have met.” “You have made my day.” “My honor.” “You have been a ray of sunshine.” ” I hope your day becomes as bright as mine now is.”

It is also clearly chivalrous for a man to remove his hat for a lady. There are formal guidelines for how to do this properly, but in today’s age, simply lifting one’s hat or cap signifies respect.

When a truly chivalrous man spies another man performing an act of chivalry, it is incumbent upon the chivalrous man to stop what he is doing and pay homage to this man. You never know- this might be a fledgling effort of a chivalry neophyte, and your encouragement might be the validation he needed to shore up his manly courage to carry on the task.

You might direct your steps over to a man caught in the act of chivalry and say, “Nice job holding the door, man” . If the man is clearly already a knight, there is no need to approach him; merely catching his eye and throwing an approving glance is a more proper way to acknowledge such a man. Or, if you happen to be standing close by you might say to him subtly, “I think she blushed.”

Should you overhear a knight give a particularly clever response to a damsel’s “thank you” and wish it were your own, it is proper etiquette to ask permission to add his Signature d’expression to your repertoire. This keeps us all clear of any copyright infringement laws and gives a nice attaboy for the author.

Men, we are leaders in this movement back in time toward a more chivalrous union. Your brothers will someday thank you for your sacrifice. We trust that, once our ladies experience their men acting like real men, they will in turn feel free to treat us as men.

Tough love will also need to be judiciously applied if we are to alter the wooden hearts of unchivalrous men. Should a man of honor spy a man who, intentionally or not, fails to yield respect to a woman at a door, the man of honor may beg apologies for the other man. Chivalrous man should approach the lady from the front and, keeping a respectful distance, ask forgiveness for his fellow man. No need to further defame the door-dropper at this juncture. Should it become apparent that the lady is about to retreat through the same doorway, chivalrous man should certainly try to right the earlier wrong by asking, “Might I hold the door for you on your way out?” In this case, moderate dishonor has been put upon the offending male, yet not so much that he should feel the need to engage in fisticuffs in the parking lot.

And one more thing. I suggest you tell your wives about your membership in the Association of Chivalrous Men. Let her know exactly what it is you are doing holding doors for other women, and ask her if she agrees that you are, in fact, improving the lot of all women. You need her on your side in this quest.

In this early stage of the chivalry campaign, we are just concentrating upon the basic gesture of holding a door for a lady. Look for further instructions once this effort gains a foothold.

Blessings . . . and Courage

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