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Growing up, it was a sin to get caught being wrong. Nobody actually took the time to codify this, but we all knew instinctively that being “right” was a high moral value. We all, kids and parents alike, fought dirty: we would bicker, engage in logical error, misstate facts, slur character,filibuster, or even change the nature of the debate in order to “win” every argument. My wife got a good taste of this early on in our marriage. We lived about an hour away from my parents, and we were going in to their house for a visit. When we got there, my Mom said something to my wife about the rainstorm we just (supposedly) had at our house. “It hasn’t rained in weeks” my wife replied.

“But it said on the news that you were getting rain”, Mom insisted. “It was raining.”

“Well, I sure haven’t seen any rain in a while, but maybe I missed it.”

“The TV news said you were getting rain, and I just don’t see how they could be wrong about something like this. They have cameras.”

“I didn’t watch the news today, but there was no rain at our house.”

“I DID rain. I am sure of it.”

“Alright Mom, you are right. It was raining.”

And that was all it took. Mom had to be right. She would not back down about something as innocuous as the weather of a location 60 miles away from her. She needed to feel “right” about it and it didn’t matter to her that she put another crimp in her relationship with her daughter-in-law. Right Rules. And neither could she see how foolish “looking right” made her appear.

Mom had no idea that needing to be right was driving a wedge in our relationship.

And I fear that the “need to be right” thing is genetic. I have passed it down to our kids (and, NO, the gene didn’t skip a generation; I just am not in the mood to embarrass myself today by telling of the many ways I have been humbled over the years).

During our vacation last week, our oldest son (a tinkerer) was attempting something with the Seadoo motor that was going to, IMHO, burn up the motor. I asked him to stop and told him why (he was creating a lean condition for you motorheads). He insisted that I didn’t know what I was talking about and what he was attempting was safe.

I decided not to argue. If he needed to be “right” to the point that he wouldn’t get to ride the ‘doo for the rest of the vacation due to a burnt up motor, then I was willing for him to “win”. Of course, the repair bill would still be in my name, but I figured this might be a good lesson about rightness. He did quit tweaking the motor, but still wouldn’t concede the point. Progress I suppose.

As a dad, have you considered what your “needing to be right” looks like to your children? It is quite possible that I exasperate (frustrate, anger) my kids every time they see me ignore or cover up my wrongness. They might even feel that I endorse a double standard when I am seen breaking a rule that they typically get punished for (like lying).

I think one of the best and most profound attitudes we can teach our kids is that of humility. When I voluntarily go to a child and ask their forgiveness for something I have said or done to them, they see that relationship is more valuable to me than rightness. Acting humble (not needing to be right) becomes easier for a child when they see it modeled by their dad. Needing to be right all the time tells the kids that I value my self-esteem more than their feelings.

Relationship trumps “rightness”. Is that true in your home? This was the message our heavenly Father sent when His innocent son was nailed to a cross. He values a relationship with us to such a degree that He willingly gave up all the rights of “Godness” so that he could walk humbly with us in human flesh. He didn’t seek to rule over us with an iron fist. He sought to walk with us, side by side.

Care to take another Manmail Challenge? Think of just one way you have acted or talked inappropriately recently, then go talk to your children about it. No lectures needed at this time- just confess your humanity to them. Express your heartfelt desire to do better. And remind them of your love for them, even when they struggle with “rightness”.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: raising kids

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children…” Ephesians 6:4

The Bible can really get to the heart of a matter, if you choose to look. It looks to to me like this is a message aimed primarily at dads. Mom wasn’t mentioned; neither was anyone else. Just dads. It looks like maybe we have special powers to exasperate (frustrate, anger) our kids.

The influence of a dad on his children is far more profound than most of us realize. I wonder if we take for granted the negative feelings we can generate in our kids by expecting them to act perfectly? Even when we are trying our hardest to be our best, we can unknowingly put pressure on them to try to be someone they think we want them to be, and not the person God built them to be. Sometimes kids fake it in order to please a parent.

As a dad, I want nothing less than for my kids to have life a little better or easier than me. When I see them, for instance, not trying their hardest on the ballfield or procrastinating their chores I naturally project those “shortcomings” into their career future and assume the worst. I figure that, if they aren’t giving it their best now, how will they ever learn to excel at whatever it is they will do in the future? So I withhold approval whenever I sense they aren’t “measuring up” to my preset standards for them.

But I don’t think that just being there on the soccer field warrants a trophy, either. The best team deserves to get that reward. It is good for the others who didn’t get that #1 trophy to strive to earn it next season. Kids don’t get exasperated by being #2 on the field or in the classroom. They expect that others will sometimes perform better.

But at home, dads have the special ability to drive their kids insane by expecting too much of them. We exasperate our kids when we withhold a compliment or praise until they perform perfectly. Of course, being kids, they rarely do perform perfectly. If a child’s weekly chore is to mow the lawn, what does it cost me to say “good job” even if he didn’t make the herringbone pattern that I like? Why do I choose to point out the couple of weeds he missed in the flowerbeds instead of complimenting on the other 98% of good work?

When my daughter brings home an “A” paper, do I point out how she could have made it an “A+”?

Do I point out the misspellings on my Father’s Day cards?

Do I EVER use critical words or tone of voice towards my children?

Here is the money question, and one I hope every dad will etch into his brain; Do you want your kids to grow up and leave home thinking they could never please their father?

When I allow myself to exasperate my kids, I send them a real clear message that I will not fully love them until they perform as expected. Do I want my kids to feel they must earn my affection? Or should they be free to experience unconditional love from me?

I want my kids to know that, even if they are not the best at something, they are still good and worthy people. I need them to have a clear understanding that their dad does not love them for their performance, but rather loves them just because they are his. I don’t need to promote performance anxiety at home; they will get enough of that throughout life.

If this post has caused you to think even a little bit about exasperation, I would suggest using your wife as a sounding board. Ask her if she sees you exasperating your kids by expecting perfection in them. She may be able to help you find the loving words you really want to say instead of the words that frustrate. Ask her to be honest to the point of hurting your feelings if necessary, because you are a dad who wants his kids to know unconditional love better than he did as a child.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: raising kids

Posting might be limited to next to nothing for the next week or so- The family and I will staying in a cabin by Lake Shasta. I have no idea if we will have any internet access, and honestly, I would rather be standing on a waterski or holding a fishing pole than typing for a while.

But let me leave you with a few of the thoughts that have been fluttering around my head this week. I think I know the answers, but then again I might not.

Does Satan have the ability to get into a person’s mind? Not in the way that advertising or a catchy obnoxious song does, but can he actually get in there and make me do and think things?

Does Satan know which people are Christians and which ones are not?

I encourage you to think through these questions, and if you have any sort of religious training or upbringing- temporarily suspend belief in anything you might have thought you have been taught from the pulpit.

These questions are worthy of some of your brain cells. Take some time to put handles on what it is you truly believe. And once you have a handle on what you believe about good and evil, apply it to how you live and think.

And throw me a comment or question if you care to- it just might take me a week to get back to ya.

Blessings

 This video is slightly risque and long; cover the little eyes if they are nearby. The Floyd shows visually what I am trying to say in words about the devastation Wall Building causes.

I want to talk about sexual refusal today from the man’s side. Yep- “headaches” don’t just happen to wives anymore. A significant number of men actually practice sexual refusal in their marriages. The rest of you- about 4 out of 5- are likely shaking your heads and muttering “WTF?”; who in their right mind would ever turn down a chance to do the horizontal bop?

We humans fabricate mechanisms to protect ourselves from real and imagined threats to our well being. I like to say we build walls to protect ourselves from the bogeyman in our own minds. Usually, the walls we build end up becoming like the walls of a septic tank, keeping the crap inside and doing very little to protect us from anything. But still, we build away, not knowing how or being willing to accept the help of the ones we love and who love us in return. Building a wall of sexual refusal might seem like a way to protect myself from some potential hurt, but in the end and like all other walls, it alienates the one person I desire most.

Sexual refusal is NOT those few times when we agree we’d rather sleep than schtupp, maybe due to busyness or fatigue. I am speaking of the habit of saying “No” to your wife’s requests for intimacy. Refusal is also “working” things so that it looks like there are few opportunities for sex: staying up late to catch the news, coming to bed unwashed, nitpicking enough to foul the mood, working late . . . you get the picture. A man is refusing when he knows his wife wants to get close, or even just makes herself available for sex- and he would rather not, so he finds a way to get out of his “duty” to perform.

I know a couple of men who actually refuse or avoid sex with their wives. Of course, men being the solitary creatures we are, I only know about this because our wives talk. Not the gossipy kind of talk; they talk about it because the lovely and wise Postmistress is perceived by these women as someone who can keep a confidence and offer hope. And she talks with and prays with them about it. These ladies do everything in their power to try to entice their guys, but to no avail. If mywife had a tenth of the sexy outfits and playtoys these ladies have, I’d never  let her out of the bedroom. Go figure.

One of the ladies has admitted to being on the “8-year plan”. That is the number of years left until her youngest child is out of the house and in college. Then she is leaving him. She just cannot bear up under the loneliness that sexual and emotional refusal brings her. And on the surface, this couple looks really happy. They seem to have it all together. They hardly fight (except about sex). Great kids. Great career. They take interesting vacations. They are fun to be around, individually and as a couple. He just won’t give her what she needs. She asks. She begs. She gets mad about it. She diets and works out. She plans fun getaways. And he refuses to put out for her, except maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I call that a starvation diet.

But it is not the lack of regular orgasms that has her planning to leave. She admits to wanting it every day, but would settle for next to nothing if her husband would just cuddle a bit and initiate a little intimacy once in a while. She would make do with less sex than she wants if he would just make her feel desireable in other ways. She needs to feel needed. She knows most men are horndogs, and can’t figure out what is so wrong with her that her husband won’t get naked with her. She admits that she probably would not be able to resist any man who would treat her specially.

 Tear down the wall!

Sexual refusal is about control. There are doubtless other reasons that one spouse would choose to do this to another, but the global motivation is generally a need to be in control or deny control by another.

I am not a doctor or psychologist, but I do know that refusers are playing a dangerous game. Perhaps you think, “Oh, we are Christians and we don’t believe in divorce. We will muddle through this. Sex is not that important anyway.” Or maybe your thing is, “I will treat her right and meet her needs as soon as she quits nagging or loses weight or stops binge spending” or whatever other lame excuse you have for being a weak man. This game always ends badly. Usually in divorce, but most often with infidelity. Surprisingly, the infidelity of the refused spouse often becomes a wake-up call to the refuser. Some couples testify that their marriages grew to wonderfulness after the affair and refusing stopped. This sounds to me like a terrible way to learn how not to refuse. Seems like a manly man would do the right thing before things get so out of hand.

1 out of 5 married men are doing this to their wives as a matter of habit. About 40% of wives claim to use sexual refusal as a tactic to get their way in the marriage. This is astounding to me that we are willing to play with and prey upon each others’ intimacy needs this way. This crazymaking has to stop if we are to have any hope of a fulfilled married life.

Think about it- would you counsel your children to use sexual refusal as a tool for control in their marriage? I wonder why it is okay, then, for so many parents to engage in it? In our house, the kids often overhear their parents planning to “be together tonight”. We try to be subtle about it, but they know fo sho that mom and dad are getting plenty. They know we make it a priority. Alone time is treasured, not avoided.

What to do if this is going on in my marriage today? The first thing I can say is that you can’t change/fix this alone. You must talk to your spouse about it until you both fully understand why you are choosing to cheat her out of the intimacy she deserves from you. You cannot do this without her on your side. She needs to know that you are working at it. If she knows that you are trying, she will be able to pick up the slack when you mess up occasionally by saying no. This conversation will undoubtedly wring pints of tears from you both, but you will harvest gallons and gallons of contentment and trust once you air out your reasons for sexual refusal.

Notice that I am not mentioning the root causes of sexual refusal. Most often the fears that lead us to build the refusal wall were born from trauma in our childhood. This leads me to my second point about what to do. You probably need to get some outside help. If you have a mentor type older man in your life, get him involved (with your wife’s agreement). Often, a little butt-kicking from someone we respect is all we need to set us straight. Should you go this route, you must be willing to be way more honest with him than you have been ever with your wife.

Also consider professional help, whether it be a clergyman or a counselor. This is probably the tallest hurdle for most men to get over- trusting a stranger to help. After all, the refuser hasn’t been able to trust his own wife with his fears.

The wall of sexual refusal is built over time, block by block. It is entirely possible that someone reading this post is in the process of erecting a wall right now; perhaps unknowingly. I encourage all of us men to survey our marriages in order to determine if we are subtly laying the foundation for  sexual refusal.

Blessings

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