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 This video is slightly risque and long; cover the little eyes if they are nearby. The Floyd shows visually what I am trying to say in words about the devastation Wall Building causes.

I want to talk about sexual refusal today from the man’s side. Yep- “headaches” don’t just happen to wives anymore. A significant number of men actually practice sexual refusal in their marriages. The rest of you- about 4 out of 5- are likely shaking your heads and muttering “WTF?”; who in their right mind would ever turn down a chance to do the horizontal bop?

We humans fabricate mechanisms to protect ourselves from real and imagined threats to our well being. I like to say we build walls to protect ourselves from the bogeyman in our own minds. Usually, the walls we build end up becoming like the walls of a septic tank, keeping the crap inside and doing very little to protect us from anything. But still, we build away, not knowing how or being willing to accept the help of the ones we love and who love us in return. Building a wall of sexual refusal might seem like a way to protect myself from some potential hurt, but in the end and like all other walls, it alienates the one person I desire most.

Sexual refusal is NOT those few times when we agree we’d rather sleep than schtupp, maybe due to busyness or fatigue. I am speaking of the habit of saying “No” to your wife’s requests for intimacy. Refusal is also “working” things so that it looks like there are few opportunities for sex: staying up late to catch the news, coming to bed unwashed, nitpicking enough to foul the mood, working late . . . you get the picture. A man is refusing when he knows his wife wants to get close, or even just makes herself available for sex- and he would rather not, so he finds a way to get out of his “duty” to perform.

I know a couple of men who actually refuse or avoid sex with their wives. Of course, men being the solitary creatures we are, I only know about this because our wives talk. Not the gossipy kind of talk; they talk about it because the lovely and wise Postmistress is perceived by these women as someone who can keep a confidence and offer hope. And she talks with and prays with them about it. These ladies do everything in their power to try to entice their guys, but to no avail. If mywife had a tenth of the sexy outfits and playtoys these ladies have, I’d never  let her out of the bedroom. Go figure.

One of the ladies has admitted to being on the “8-year plan”. That is the number of years left until her youngest child is out of the house and in college. Then she is leaving him. She just cannot bear up under the loneliness that sexual and emotional refusal brings her. And on the surface, this couple looks really happy. They seem to have it all together. They hardly fight (except about sex). Great kids. Great career. They take interesting vacations. They are fun to be around, individually and as a couple. He just won’t give her what she needs. She asks. She begs. She gets mad about it. She diets and works out. She plans fun getaways. And he refuses to put out for her, except maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I call that a starvation diet.

But it is not the lack of regular orgasms that has her planning to leave. She admits to wanting it every day, but would settle for next to nothing if her husband would just cuddle a bit and initiate a little intimacy once in a while. She would make do with less sex than she wants if he would just make her feel desireable in other ways. She needs to feel needed. She knows most men are horndogs, and can’t figure out what is so wrong with her that her husband won’t get naked with her. She admits that she probably would not be able to resist any man who would treat her specially.

 Tear down the wall!

Sexual refusal is about control. There are doubtless other reasons that one spouse would choose to do this to another, but the global motivation is generally a need to be in control or deny control by another.

I am not a doctor or psychologist, but I do know that refusers are playing a dangerous game. Perhaps you think, “Oh, we are Christians and we don’t believe in divorce. We will muddle through this. Sex is not that important anyway.” Or maybe your thing is, “I will treat her right and meet her needs as soon as she quits nagging or loses weight or stops binge spending” or whatever other lame excuse you have for being a weak man. This game always ends badly. Usually in divorce, but most often with infidelity. Surprisingly, the infidelity of the refused spouse often becomes a wake-up call to the refuser. Some couples testify that their marriages grew to wonderfulness after the affair and refusing stopped. This sounds to me like a terrible way to learn how not to refuse. Seems like a manly man would do the right thing before things get so out of hand.

1 out of 5 married men are doing this to their wives as a matter of habit. About 40% of wives claim to use sexual refusal as a tactic to get their way in the marriage. This is astounding to me that we are willing to play with and prey upon each others’ intimacy needs this way. This crazymaking has to stop if we are to have any hope of a fulfilled married life.

Think about it- would you counsel your children to use sexual refusal as a tool for control in their marriage? I wonder why it is okay, then, for so many parents to engage in it? In our house, the kids often overhear their parents planning to “be together tonight”. We try to be subtle about it, but they know fo sho that mom and dad are getting plenty. They know we make it a priority. Alone time is treasured, not avoided.

What to do if this is going on in my marriage today? The first thing I can say is that you can’t change/fix this alone. You must talk to your spouse about it until you both fully understand why you are choosing to cheat her out of the intimacy she deserves from you. You cannot do this without her on your side. She needs to know that you are working at it. If she knows that you are trying, she will be able to pick up the slack when you mess up occasionally by saying no. This conversation will undoubtedly wring pints of tears from you both, but you will harvest gallons and gallons of contentment and trust once you air out your reasons for sexual refusal.

Notice that I am not mentioning the root causes of sexual refusal. Most often the fears that lead us to build the refusal wall were born from trauma in our childhood. This leads me to my second point about what to do. You probably need to get some outside help. If you have a mentor type older man in your life, get him involved (with your wife’s agreement). Often, a little butt-kicking from someone we respect is all we need to set us straight. Should you go this route, you must be willing to be way more honest with him than you have been ever with your wife.

Also consider professional help, whether it be a clergyman or a counselor. This is probably the tallest hurdle for most men to get over- trusting a stranger to help. After all, the refuser hasn’t been able to trust his own wife with his fears.

The wall of sexual refusal is built over time, block by block. It is entirely possible that someone reading this post is in the process of erecting a wall right now; perhaps unknowingly. I encourage all of us men to survey our marriages in order to determine if we are subtly laying the foundation for  sexual refusal.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: sexual refusal

Yesterday I gave a little tease towards today’s post. Sorry ’bout that. Promise, no bait and switch today.

I do need to tell you that I have been working on this post for 3 weeks off and on. Deleted it many times. Completely reworked things. Had cute videos to go with it (Fave was Sparks’  “All you ever think about is sex” from the early 80’s) but decided to abandon that idea, too. Let’s see if I can make something stick this time.

It is so easy to write about things that are going on in my life on the periphery. Those things that are fun or interesting, but non-essential: like getting humbled in Starbucks or battling raccoons.

And writing about stuff that happened as the kids were growing up is easy and safe.

And I am all over watching someone else crash and burn, then writing about that. Like here.

But this is fresh out of my -our- recent collective soul. We are still working through some of the loose end details, but overall I would say (and the Postmistress agrees) that our marriage has gone from “pretty good, I think” to “Outstanding”. It was “pretty good, I think” in most every area except our physical intimacy. In fairness, she thought that was okay, too. We were so not on the same page. We weren’t even in the same library. 

Unfortunately, I had to perform a domestic nuclear meltdown before things got better. Not that I meant to, mind you. The bottle of pent-up feelings just broke one day. Exploded really. All over my wife. It was really messy and we still occasionally discover little gobs of brain goo here and there.

The cause of my little brain vacation?

Duty sex. 

Or pity sex, if you will.

Same difference: it is worse than no sex at all, I finally decided. I didn’t realize what it was doing to erode my spirit. And she didn’t understand that I had perceived  for many years that most of our intimacy was just pity sex. Perceptions are rarely reality, but until dispelled they are.

My perception was that the only reason I got any at all was to keep me from having an affair and because the Bible says a good wife should “do that” every once in a while.

The recurring thought of “I am aware that you are planning out your schedule for tomorrow and also making a grocery list while you wait for me to come” during our lovemaking was thrill-kill for me.

It got to the point where I would never initiate sex. Never. For freaking years.

Don’t get the wrong impression- she has never refused sex. I just got tired of feeling like it was her job to make sure I got off several times a month. I was not interested in being the last item on her “to do” list any longer. I was willing to wait for her to initiate because it was safest for me. I was willing to wait until she wanted me.

Remember these are my perceptions that became reality to me because I wasn’t able to talk through my feelings. I found out that my perceptions were not reality at all. Just had to burst to figure it out.

The tipping point came a few months before the official meltdown when I went on Blood Pressure meds. I am not too high, but the doc just wanted me to see if we could exercise a little more and take some pills to put it well into the good range. A side effect of some BP meds is Erectile Dysfunction.

Yep. Happened to me.

And I rejoiced. I told my wife that this might be the answer to my prayers. (Huh?) If my libido would just go away with the erections, then life would be great I told her. I asked her to pray for that. Seriously- I wanted her to ask God for what I had been praying about for years: that I would stop wanting sex. It seemed to be a most merciful answer.

She said I was nuts and that I should see a psychologist about that. I’m thinking, “Why pay a shrink when you could solve my problem real easy by showing some enthusiasm in the bed. You might even start to like it if you would give it a chance.”

Remember- these are my perceptions. Reality is/was very different.

She had no idea that I was masturbating to simply stay sane.

From our early years I got used to sex being far too infrequent. It was not anyone’s fault, really. Just that life can make us crazy busy, and I came to accept that I would remain perpetually unfulfilled. We made the decision that she would stay home to raise our kids, which meant that I worked lots of overtime and many second jobs, with the occasional third parttime job thrown in. Our schedules barely overlapped, and the seldom times we were together usually included a baby next to us in the bed or a toddler eating breakfast in his highchair. We also had a steady stream of babies, which didn’t increase our opportunities for physical intimacy. I guess we did find the time to make ‘em, so it couldn’t have been so bad. Perceptions again.

I felt guilty that I was horny every day because I could see that she was just too overloaded with kids to meet my needs. A man should be able to see that his kids would take first priority, I reasoned. So I bottled up my feelings about my need for intimacy. (Notice I said intimacy: not sex). I quit asking for something I thought was a selfish need. “Besides”, Ifigured, “we will get back in the saddle more often once all the kids are into grade school and not so needy of mommy.” I could wait it out.

That time came and went with little change in our intimacy. “Waiting it out” wasn’t the solution I had hoped for. I was still in the habit of never asking for sex. My confidence was so shot that I couldn’t bear the thought that she might not desire sex with me anymore, or that I was incapable of turning her on, now that we had some time to actually do it. If we remembered how. I still had the perception that she was just doin’ me out of duty- to keep me around. I was still the last item on her list for the day.

Perception.

About this time, I told the doctor about the bit of ED the pills were causing and he switched up the prescription. Problem solved. Well, one problem solved. That was the easy one.

The prayers for reduced libido went unanswered.

And I still needed a kind of intimacy that we had not developed as a couple. I thought I needed more sex, but in reality I was starved for a kind of intimacy I didn’t even know I needed. I was taught that guys only needed sex to be happy. That is only partly right. We do need to ejaculate pretty regularly to mitigate that frustrated feeling we get inside ourselves. Grumpiness, we call it. But nobody ever told me that I would crave intimacy with my wife as much as she needs it from me. Turns out I needed more than nookie . . .Who knew?

We guys can do a little hand jive to solve the ejaculation problem. But, though my nuts might feel lighter, my heart was never happy about taking matters into my own hands. In fact, my loneliness and yearning for something intimate grew and grew. I even felt lonely most times we made love, because I thought she wasn’t into it with me. I perceived that, because she wasn’t expressing herself to me like I hear her do with her goodgirlfriends, she was not into me.

Then I blew up.

I told her, over the phone thank you very much, how I was feeling. I couldn’t look her in the eyes so I told her via telephone. Quite manly.

She had known something was up ever since the “libido prayer”, but I had decided to try to stuff my feelings. Turns out she thought I wanted to leave her.  She thought I was ready to move on. We were both perceiving that the other was not interested in trying any more.

Wrong. Totally wrong. Wrong perceptions on both of our parts almost sunk us as a couple. We were both heartbroken about the same thing, we just didn’t know it yet.

So I told her I was bored. Bored with sex with her. I had read books to try and understand why she was uninterested in sex with me. I even bought a deck of cards that show different positions for us to try. She wasn’t interested.

I told her that sex 3 or 4 times a month was nowhere close to enough for me. And that I knew she only did it those times to try to keep me from having an affair.

Told her I was tired of hearing her say that she would be okay with never having sex.

Told her that wearing “old flannel”  and Granny panties to bed was about the unsexiest thing I could think of.

I said , “Should I bring tissues to bed?” was not an acceptable way to initiate sex. Made me feel like she just thought of sex in terms of disposal of the waste byproduct of the deed.

Mentioned that I was tired of feeling like I was just masturbating in her vagina.

Hate being a “to do” on the list, I said.

Wondered aloud if she could ever remember deliberately touching my cock. (I kept track. Had been over 6 months).

Told her that “she can talk all day long with her lady friends, but won’t say a word in bed.”

Said “You can give specific directions to the kids about anything important to them, but you won’t tell me anything that might help me to know how to please you in bed. In fact, the only time you WON’T talk is during sex.”

 ”Pity sex would no longer be tolerated. I’d rather jerk off than hear you say ‘are you done?’ one more time” I said.

And I told her how profoundly lonely I was, especially when we were in bed together.

I hurt her feelings pretty badly, needless to say. I should have said what I did many years earlier and in a much gentler fashion. I am lucky to still be intact. But she is an incredible woman and was able to set aside her hurt long enough to try to understand the flood of emotions I let loose. It took us several weeks to start to get this sorted. I don’t regret telling her what I did- I do regret letting it fester for so long. I deeply regret hurting this faithful woman by my words.

Here is my takeaway of the Pity Sex Meltdown:

• I (and probably most men) am not quite so simple as the “typical man” stereotype. Hot suppper+Hot sex+TV remote= Happy man is just not true. Not that I don’t love those things, it is just that none of them meet the deep internal need that only intimacy with my wife can. The sooner I grasp this- the sooner we can move into a closer relationship. The longer I believe the stereotype to be true- the closer I get to melting down.
• It is unfair to make her guess at my needs. A manly man will (politely and) directly deal with his desire for sex and need for intimacy. I did tell my wife, sorta, about my growing unhappiness in regard to our intimacy. I just didn’t work hard enough to make sure that she understood me. I let her stay ignorant. I should have been saying, for years, “Please help me understand why I feel empty inside even when we are getting it on.”
• A man will look for substitutes if real marriage intimacy is lacking. Sports, hobbies, clubs, affairs, porn, overworking, you name it. None of them satisfy. In fact, most substitutes for intimacy push him farther from his goal.
• Both husbands and wives crave intimacy. But since wives generally define it more in terms of communication and bonding she can get a fair proxy for her husband’s love through close girlfriendships. Not the same, but passable (according to my wife, anyway). Husbands rarely bond or communicate with other men like the ladies can with their goodgirlfriends. For us, intimacy is expressed in and around a sexual context generally. It is fair to say that feelings of intimacy and sexuality are very much intertwined. Pretty much, (because of the sexual overtones) married men are only free to express intimacy toward one person-their wife. On one hand we are taught to not put all our eggs in one basket, yet that is exactly what is expected of husbands. This helps me understand my hesitancy to commit.
• I like sex, but it is not the reason I chose to marry. If I wanted swing-from-the-branches nightly orgies I would have not chosen marriage. Duh to this point. I married because I wanted to be monogamous and intimately vulnerable to one woman in particular. For as long as we live. So why do I make getting sex a higher priority than becoming intimate? Why do I perpetuate the myth that “all I ever think about is sex”? Why do I persist in asking her to do wilder and wilder (in her mind) things with/to/on me to satisfy my cravings for sexual exploration? I can see how she might think that I don’t care about becoming close to her.
• I must maintain my respectability. AND HERE IS THE MONEY. The Bible says for a man to “love his wife and for the wife to respect her husband.” Respect, especially in the bedroom is key to intimacy for us guys. Is there anything more disrespecting than being offered pity instead of intimacy? Do I feel respected when she does her nails while waiting for me tofinish? Does her only wanting to do me to keep me from looking elsewhere feel respectful? Do I feel the respect when she refers to sex in terms of Kleenex instead of closeness? So guess what- if I want the bedroom respect that really satisfies, I’ve gotta learn how to love selflessly. Loving selflessly is certainly the subject of a book, but real quickly, it means that a good husband expresses himself self-sacrificially. He thinks first of what is most meaningful to her. He gives up all involvements that might detract from intimacy within the marriage. He learns how to speak her love language.

Now that we are past my little meltdown, maybe you are wondering how things are between us. Thanks for asking.

Incredible. Better than we could have dreamed. The intimacy is heart stopping.

We connect more deeply, more naturally, and more often than ever before.

We love making love again. We prioritize time for it. We even enjoy a little experimentation

“Drive differences” between spouses might be overstated, I now think. I used to think we were once a day versus once a month. Turns out we are pretty well matched after all. Frankly, I can’t keep pace with her. I believe in miracles.

We have arrived at a level of honesty that makes life much simpler for us. We can just talk about anything we want. 

There is no question in our minds now that we are committed to each other no matter what. This helps me to allow myself to be more vulnerable to her, which is the thing I feared pre-meltdown.

I also mentioned perceptions. Fact is, I had made a bunch of assumptions that were not true, or were only barely true. And I let those assumptions linger and fester for years. BAD ME.  She had her own perceptions, too, and they indicated that I was not being the man she needed me to be. OUCH. We we not keeping close enough tabs on each other’s intimacy needs. We failed to communicate, which could have easily lead to wanting to separate.

Man, if you find yourself getting pity sex on anything near a regular basis- it is time to man up and put an end to it. It is eroding your marriage. Talk to your wife. Likely she is unaware of your feelings. LEARN TO LOVE HER PROPERLY, too. Commit to understand how you are not being perceived as being a loving husband. Learn her love lanaguage. Become selfless in and out of the bedroom. Earn her respect.

I hope that this hasn’t been TMI for anyone. My guess is that I am not the only man out there who is/has struggled with sexual (intimacy) issues like these. In fact I am sure I am not the only one. I hope that maybe this could be a way to encourage someone to do something before he blows up like I did. I know it took me over 15 years of marriage to begin to figure out my own intimacy needs. I am a little slow.

Blessings  

Technorati Tags: communication, sex

Lemme just deliver the hook right up front here, ’cause if I started out by telling you I am a Sunday School teacher you would likely race for the back button.

It appears to me that young couples (at least the churchy kind) are spending more time in Sunday School than they are spending screwin’ each week.

There. See. I did it. Mentioned church and sex in the same sentence.

It is flattering to think that a bunch of young husbands and wives would prioritize an hour and a half, each week, to hang with the old guy and talk about the Bible and stuff. But, honestly, I would have thought that there would be A LOT more horizontal timegoing on than there actually is. I know this because we talk alot about sex and marriage in our young family Sunday class and because we talk individually with many of the couples.

But I am just teasing you a little bit. Not gonna blog about sex today. Saving it for tomorrow.

I do, though, think that if someone is going to come sit in class for over an hour that I owe it to them to bring some relevancy to scripture. Seriously, I feel pressure to perform. Especially considering that I am generally receiving more of their attention than their spouse is, amorously speaking.

So for the past two weeks we have been looking at the life of Noah- the guy who built an ark.

We pretty much skipped over the traditional fare about the size of the boat and how in the world all those critters could fit, and how smelly it would have been. Whatever.

I am interested in becoming a more manly man: a more godly man. And it seems that old Noah had something good going on, or else God wouldn’t have been hanging with him. So I wondered if I might pick up a few nuggets from the old guy that might make me a better husband and father.

How ’bout if I just make a brief list , then we can put some meat on the bones later, K? And by the way, if this is remotely interesting, you could read  Genesis chapter 6 through 9. And if you just want to take my word for it, well that is okay too.

• God was pretty displeased with people in general.
• Noah looked like a righteous dude.
• Noah walked with God.
• Noah was a farmer.

So apparently, way back in the old days, people were treating each other poorly and just generally being ugly to each other and unneighborly. I suppose they were ignoring their creator, too. But there was one guy, Noah, who was different. God liked hangin’ with this guy, even if he did like the bottle a bit much.

i’m thinking to myself: “what did this guy Noah do to get on God’s good side? Show me the list. I can follow instructions as good as anyone.”

The only thing I can identify that Noah did good was this, “…he walked with God.”

“Waaayhaaaate a minute my friend. I was looking for a list to accomplish. Boxes to check off. Good deeds to do. I’m pretty sure that God expects me to do my part before He can like me.”

Cutting across the grain here- God really doesn’t need your help. I know that runs contrary to most sermons, but they generally have an ulterior motive (to keep you busy and tithing). Seriously- think through this with me- The God who created gold now needs me to give some back to Him? Like he lost the recipe? I am giving payday loans?  Seriously.

Now I am interested about what “walking with God” could mean.

“Obviously it means that Noah was in Church every Sunday and for the Wednesday Mid-Week meeting, too.”

Prolly Noah didn’t go to church at all. I mean, unless his pastor was one of the folks left drowning…

“Surely it means that Noah spent all of his waking hours reading his Bible and preaching at others.”

Sorry, no written word or bible or anything yet. Can’t see, either, where Noah’s job was to try to convince anyone else to jump on board. Just build the boat.

“Well then, God liked Noah because he was obedient. He followed directions well. He accomplished things for God.”

Looks to me like Noah was well liked before he was asked to build a boat. Obedience wasn’t the reason God and Noah were tight. Careful not to put the cart first.

Which brings us to the “walked with God” part. That is it. They just walked together and did whatever folks do when they spend time walking together.

I think this is why my wife loves to walk around the neighborhood with me. We just get to spend time together. Relating. Chatting. Getting to know each other better. Talking about whatever is on our minds. Merely being together is a reward in and of itself.

And this is Noah’s real simple message to anyone who wants to listen. It’s not what you know: It’s who you know.

Is this the message we hear from the pulpit? Likely not. Likely you have been buried by programs, campaigns, fundraisers, guilt about money, guilt about attendance, guilt about serving, and so on.

I am not bashing. Just saying that “walking with God” is pretty string-free. Noah knew that. He worked for a hundred years building a boat because he was working with a friend.

Noah was a farmer.

“Big Deal.”

Big deal to me because Noah’s calling was to do something completely out of his comfort zone. He wasn’t a carpenter or a shipbuilder or a zookeeper for that matter.

Noah committed himself to a job for which he felt unqualified. He felt like a pioneer because he was one. He was embarking upon a journey which had an uncertain ending. I am sure that he lost sight of the goal more than once. He probably got splinters.

Kinda like being a dad. Or becoming a good husband.

(It just doesn’t come naturally to most of us men because we have been guys for so long.)

My children (like yours) are growing up. Fast.  And I get a little scared for them, especially as I consider the mistakes I have made and the challenges I have faced throughout my brief life. It doesn’t look like things will be easier for the next generation.

“A parent’s greatest fear- their kids will grow up to repeat the heartaches and mistakes of the parents.”

Back to Noah. He was a righteous dude just because he and God walked together. It is also true that we can raise righteous (and I just define that word as ‘knowing how to live right and well’) kids by walking with them. I am talking about prioritizing time to be available to those we say we love.

And please be clear- I am not just talking about walks around the block. Used to be, pre-automobile, going anywhere meant walking. Most all tasks were accomplished via walking.

And that is what I am trying to get across. We dads owe it to our kids to take them everywhere with us. Not just places, but emotions, too. I should walk through ethics and values together with my kids. Walk together through decision-making processes.

But I was not prepared to walk this way. Like a farmer being asked to build a boat. I was taught to be tough, strong, emotionless, tearless, fearless, independent. Most of us guys were taught this, I think.

 If I want to have the time to walk with my kids, I’m going to need to throw off some of my optional responsibilities. Basically, there is little that needs to get done that can’t get done with your little buddies hanging around with you.

Shopping for a car? Use this time to teach them about “good deals”. Teach them about credit and payments over time. Walk them through sales tactics. Teach them the value of delayed gratification.

Looking for a job? Let them walk with you as you update your resume and prepare for interviews. Help them understand about benefits and withholding and such.

Watching sports on the tube? Turn it off and go play that sport with your kids.

Fighting with the wife? The kids already know- you can’t hide it- may as well talk to them about it. Walk them through the process of meeting and falling in love and getting married. Do this every time you quarrel and I guarantee you will fight less.

Dealing with an ethics issue at work? Walk with your kids as you deal with it. Let them know what the issues are, if you can. You will all be better off. 

Poker night with the guys? Designate some of those nights as “bring my kid to the table” night. Have all the dads bring one of their kids for the purpose of teaching them the game.If it is worth doing- It is worth bringing my kid to see.

Dealing with grief? Walk alongside your kids. They need to know how to properly deal with such things.

Having financial stress? Wouldn’t you like to spare your children from that sort of grief when they grow up? Maybe now is a good time to walk with them. Talk about choices and consequences. Talk about how to deal with the tough times.

The payback of a life spent “walking” with my kids will be children that know their father and a father who knows his children. Kids who will want to hang with dad. Kids equipped to take on challenging tasks with gusto. Kids who know how to live righteously. Kids who just might avoid some of my mistakes. Kids who build arks.

And a very satisfied Dad.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: bible, sex

Guess I am feeling a little wrung out after that long post yesterday. (Just like the music, BTW)

So I hope you are willing to indulge a little schizophrenic ADD today. Politely said, I am about to become immersed in the Stream of Conscoiusness. Care to take a dip?

I was thinking about how my boys have gotten more self sufficient now that they are in their late teens. Yesterday I didn’t even see nor communicate with them, due to our mixed up schedules. I went to bed missing them. It has become so easy to let them go on autopilot, but I know they need their dad now more than ever. They are making life forming decisions about careers, family, values, faith etc… When we do talk, often they just listen. No feedback. This is so frustrating because I don’t know if they are getting it or what. Guess I just have to trust. Then something great happens like it did last weekend: the pastor’s wife says, “I just have to tell you what your son said to me . . .” And it ends up that he said, nearly word for word, exactly what it was I talking with him about the other day. Encouragement to press on!

Come to think of it, both those boys have cell phones with text capability. I am going to send them a text right now to remind them that their dad loves them. I am sure the engineer will appreciate getting a text from his dad during his Highway Engineering class! I a just going to tell them how great I think they are and that I am very proud of them, aside of any accomplishments they may have made.

And there is a friend or two that I have not kept up with, either. I entend to fire off a brief text to remind them that I appreciate their friendship and that I was just thinking about them. No business. Just “hello, friend”.

Shaving. ugh. Looked forward to it as young teenager, but hate it now. What a time-waste. Besides, most of my beard is grey. The wife says salt and pepper, but she is very gracious. But now that I use the electric shaver, I can multitask while driving. TIP FOR YOU NON-ELECTRIC SHAVERS: Ask for one for Fathers Day. Keep it in your glove box. Use it at the end of the day, just before you arrive home. I think you will find that your opportunities for skin-to-skin contact will increase pleasantly. Good chance a smooth face will increase her southern exposure for you. Just saying.

I am fortyfive (looks younger when spelled out, I think) and still think about sex a lot. Surprised myself on this one. Thought I might mature in this area but haven’t. Expect to see flat abs in the mirror ’cause I feel 21 still. Gotta confess the sex is much better and much more frequent than in the early years of marriage. Aging is not so bad.

Many atheists are just as faithful as many Christians. Of course, most in both camps have no idea of what they believe, they just do.

Read an email this morning from our friend who is near the end of her fight with cancer. Weighs under 90 pounds by now. She is my wife’s age. 3 kids. Lousy husband. Daughter doesn’t want mom to come to her graduation ceremony if she has to use her wheelchair. She is dying dammit and the daughter is embarrassed ’cause mom is not picture perfect. Want to slowly choke the father that nurtures this kind of thinking. Why was this ahole allowed to father children?

A few man bloggers have lately been writing about the impact their parents had on their lives. I feel left out. Can’t pinpoint any particular values they taught me. Sad. A huge factor in my decision to marry my wife was her parents. Funny, I wanted to involve myself in their circle of influence as much as I wanted their daughter. They are role models for me. Wonder if my kids’ fiancees will want our input into their marriages?

See, now I am thinking about sex again. No external stimulus necessary. Just happens. ‘Bout 6 months ago I bought a fun toy called “Sex Deck”. Wife makes me keep it locked up in case the kids might find it. I think it would be okay if they knew people can still be experimental even at out advanced age. 52 cards of different positions. “Wheelbarrow” =never gonna happen. “Reverse Cowgirl” = really hot and I think I will ask for this again this weekend.

Listening to some of the ladies chit chatting in the office the other day: They hate it when their men pretend to listen. You know how we do that to them ’cause the game is on or whatever and we just want her to go away until the commercial? Wife used to use my nose as a handle to turn my mug to face her when I “MmmHmmm”ed her. Hated it, but she got her point across. I preferred the game to her. Women hate being lied to about being ignored more than just being ignored. Lesson: just own up to it when ignoring her.

I really don’t like the fact that my daughter is growing up. Entering puberty. Blossoming. Hate that boys are starting to notice her. Hate that her figure will cause boys to lust for her. Puts my lust in perspective. This is more difficult than I thought it would be.

Thanks for swimming with me today.

Blessings

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