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Are you “doin’ that crazy hand jive”?

I am really not sure what possessed me to post about this, but sometimes you just gotta throw down and deal with the consequences . . .

Today’s topic is not about a dance move, if you haven’t picked up on the double entendre yet.

Masturbation:

That’s the crazy hand jive we are gonna discuss.

And I will be so totally Not Offended if you choose to read no further and come back tomorrow.

But if you are still with me, I hope we can push past our embarrassment and talk about something that will improve your marriage. I will confess that this discussion happened only recently in our marriage, and the positive results make me very sorry that we didn’t talk more openly from the very beginning. I was ashamed, so I didn’t feel compelled to initiate talk about this very delicate subject. Turns out that my shame, or embarrassment, was misplaced. She appreciated knowing more about my sexuality, to my great surprise. And she responded, errrr, copiously.

When our kids were little, we made sure that they had an age-appropriate understanding of marital intimacy. It was easy to tell them that “Mommies and Daddies like to hug and cuddle. And a really special part of being married is getting to live and sleep together. Sex is special cuddling that only mommies and daddies do.” This level of “birds and bees” talk was pretty easy, and the euphemisms were fun.

As the kids got older, the “talks” got more into the mechanics of how babies come about and the like. Often these conversations got started quite organically, like the time our little daughter walked into our bathroom when both mom and dad were undressed. “Mommy, why you not have tail like daddy?” was her entree into basic human plumbing 101.

Our oldest 2 kids are boys, so as they approached puberty the “talks” fell into the dad’s jurisdiction. Unfortunately, my parents never told me squat about getting hair down there, morning wood, blue balls, masturbation and the like. We just didn’t talk about sex, period. But I determined that I would do better by my boys, so I very nervously set about trying to create an atmosphere of free expression about sex no matter the topic. I can’t say that we have it down pat, but let me share a joke that our oldest boy told us at the dinner table just last night:

“Dad, have you heard on the news about those babies that are being born with eyelid deformities? Yea, it is really sad, but some doctor came up with a miracle surgery. Somehow he uses the foreskins of circumcised babies and fixes the deformity. The procedure is very effective, except that the babies end up a little cock-eyed.”  We all have a good laugh, even the 11 year old daughter. “Kate, what are laughing about: you don’t know anything about cocks”, says the joke-teller.

“Oh yes I do. I know it is that thing you hold on to inside your pants when you are watching TV. Duh.”

OK, so maybe this kind of dinner table talk is a little more raucous than most Christian families would tolerate, but this Christian man and his wife want to enable their kids to talk about difficult, even sexual subjects, with those who love them. Yes we have talked about masturbation, but not at the dinner table, at least not yet.

And if our little family can benefit from dinner table nasty talk, why can’t my manmail family also benefit from speaking openly about taboo subjects?

I would guess that the typical reader of manmail (and I would like to thank all 2.625 of you) is both married and male. “I am married now: Why would I want to talk about masturbation? That is something just single guys need to do.”

Because you didn’t stop doin’ the hand jive.

Maybe some of you did, but I doubt it. For sure, the early months of marital bliss fooled you into thinking that the days of self satisfaction were blessedly gone. But at some point most guys pick the habit back up.

(Did you notice that I said masturbation and Christianin the same paragraph earlier? Have you decided yet whether I am for it or agin it? Me neither. Keep reading.)

Lots of things might cause us to revert back to our old whacky ways, and they pretty much all involve some type of stress or stressful situation. Could be pregnancy. Or a really big fight.  Stress at work. Unresolved anger. Boredom. Feelings of inadequacy. The length of the list of potential precursors would cause your wife’s jaw to hit the floor, undoubtedly.

Here is how I talked to my boys about masturbation: I told them that is natural for them to want to explore and understand their sexuality, their manhood. A penis is a pretty curious appendage, if you think about it, and typically most guys like to figure out how things work. It is just natural to be inquisitive. You are going to figure how to work that thing and that an orgasm feels good. Sometimes it relieves that great pressure you can get in your balls. But masturbation is not usually your best choice. It is not necessarily wrong, but it is often the result of making unwise choices. Like looking at pornographic images. Like having too much ”alone” time with a girl and giving yourself blueballs. Like giving yourself the right to so much free time that your mind can’t help but wander to inappropriate places.

And so I say a similar thing to you married men: It isn’t necessarily wrong, but it is an accurate indicator that there is something amiss in your relationship with your wife. There is a reason that you are pleasuring yourself to avoid intimacy with your wife.  There is always a reason we choose to give a brief moment of orgasmic pleasure to ourselves instead of investing that same time into our intimacy with our wife.

And no, the Bible doesn’t have much to say about this subject. Some preachers will mention the “sin of Onan”, but that passage is completely not about masturbation. Way off base.

The Bible does indirectly discuss masturbation, in the context of denying love or affection to your spouse. It seems to indicate that if you can do it to yourself in such a way as to not cause your spouse to feel cheated or less loved (or icky about the whole thing), then I suppose you have the right to do it for yourself. Perhaps “concession” would be a word to apply to this activity: not the most noble of endeavors, but okay if both agree about it. But It would seem to me that your wife would need to be aware of and approving of this activity for it to have any chance of becoming edifying to your relationship. 

So, yes, there might good and legitimate reasons for a married man to masturbate. This situation could qualify: your wife is pregnant or seriously ill and has physical restrictions. She knows that you get grumpy after prolonged abstinence and encourages you care for yourself temporarily.  Or perhaps you two are physically apart because of work: a little phone sex (with each other) with a happy ending could be just the ticket. Maybe you are a guy who is (ahem) rather quick. She might appreciate the extra endurance that a handjob done in advance could give you. (’Course, she could do that job for you. Just saying.)

But I believe the vast majority of the time, we are doing it to avoid intimacy. Not good. Not good because masturbation doesn’t feed our soul. It just gets us off. But that good feeling is so fleeting: “Oh great, my balls feel better but I’m still frustrated, the stressful situation is still there. Back to reality now, except now that my ejaculation urge is satisfied, I feel even less motivated to try to connect with my wife. Maybe I will just beat off again tonight after she falls asleep.” Follow me?

Sorry for being blunt about this.

Another HUGE reason guys masturbate is because they are choosing to look at pornography. This is NEVER good or right, and I am so happy to see more man blogs taking this stance. They say it is addicting: I don’t know. I do know that looking at that stuff is like injecting nitrous oxide into your sex drive. Problem is that you are using images of other women to do it. Going through the process of initiation, arousal, and ejaculation is pretty much called having sex. And in this case it is with someone you haven’t even met or know. Ask your wife how she feels about this: Bet she says that sounds like adultery to her. It does to me , too. Next time you’ve got a porno mag in your left hand and your woody in the right: consider that masturbation is adultery.

Some men become habitual masturbators because they are convinced that their wife’s sex drive is so much different than their own. This may be true for you, but it is more likely true that you have not allowed yourself to meet her intimacy needs. Generally, when a wife’s need for emotional and spiritual connection are met she becomes much more turned on and responsive to her man’s sexual initiation. It is even likely that she will initiate sex more often with you when her tank is full. I am not saying that she will necessarily feel the same physical pressure you do to seek release, but a wife who’s emotional and spiritual tank is overflowing will most certainly be most receptive to her husband’s advances.

Who would have thought that the thing that frustrates many men: mismatched drives: is most likely perpetuated by the activity that he supposes will relieve his tension: masturbation? (And, yes, I know that there are a fair number of couples out there where the wife has a higher drive than the husband. I am guilty of generalization and stereotyping.)

You might even be doing it for righteous reasons, like believing that your sex drive is putting unfair pressure on your wife to perform. So you help yourself so that she doesn’t feel like you are some kind of maniac; what with wanting her every other day or more. Odds are good that she would choose to be intimate more often rather than picture you taking care of yourself in the bathroom. I will buy you a cup of coffee if this doesn’t prove to be true.

It seems to be accepted as gospel that the only thing on men’s minds is sex. You know; “every six seconds”, blah blah blah. WRONG-O. Sure an orgasm feels good. But the big secret is that men (real manly men anyway) crave intimacy just as much as our wives do. Problem is that we do stupid stuff that causes our wives to believe we prefer sexualness over intimacy. Like staring at other women’s breasts. Or going to Hooters for lunch with the guys. Or masturbating. Nothing like like a solo ejaculation to prove this point to her. She needs to become 100% certain she is the one and only locus of focus of your sexual attention. She needs to know that you prefer her even more than you love your own orgasms.

How about the guy that secretly masturbates while thinking of his wife doing all those things to/on/with/for him that she doesn’t do now? This is certainly better than gawking at porn, for sure. But is this guy just setting himself up for disappointment if she never becomes his Madonna? I think this kind of thinking has the great potential to cause a man to become bitter at her for his unspoken fantasies. Not that fantasies are necessarily wrong: He just needs to include her in the festivities if he intends to keep intimacy alive in their marriage. She married you with the hopes of being that special one person who could thrill you: Give her the chance and stop doin’ that crazy hand jive.

“I masturbate because it is less lonely than the duty sex she doles out.” Oh man, this one cuts close to the hearts of so many men. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge when a couple gets to this stage. If you find yourself feeling this way I strongly suggest talking to your wife about your feelings and seeking experienced counsel. You are close to the brink. That hand jive might be keeping you alive, but it is just a band-aid on a shark bite.

“Our schedules are just too crazy for us to get together for sex very often. I masturbate to take the edge off.” May I just state the obvious? YOU ARE TOO FREAKIN’ BUSY ! Now I am not talking about the periodic busy times that come up occasionally, like at the holidays. But in general, if you are so busy that palm time is all you can manage, then it is a good bet that your wife is not getting her emotional needs met either. Does this sound like a sustainable situation? I suggest making immediate corrections, even if it means giving up the time share in Cancun.

So we are nearly 2100 words into a taboo subject and you are still reading. Good Lord, you are patient.

Here is the crux of the matter: We can spin our wheels all day long debating the rightness or wrongness of the Big M and probably not sway anyone’s opinion. 

What is not up for debate is the fact that masturbation within a marriage is a measure of deeper issues within the two individuals.  I guess it just took me this long to say that if you are doin’ the hand jive very often at all, I would start looking introspectively at the reasons. Sorry for being so long worded.  

Men, we are doin’ that crazy hand jive as a response to stress and unmet expectations. It would be the manly thing to address these issues before they bust up your marriage, or at least rob the joy of marriage from you. Don’t you feel it is part of your duty to your kids to demonstrate and live out a happy and fulfilled marriage?

OK, so here is my challenge to you: talk to your wife about the hand jive. Tonight. Print off a copy of this post and show it to her: use it as a discussion starter. I threw it down- now you pick it up and run with it.

I guarantee that, if you haven’t had this talk already, this will be one of the most difficult and awkward talks you two have had to date. But, if your experience is half as good as mine your relationship and trust in one another will blossom because you initiated this conversation about such a touchy subject.

Let me know how it goes. And tell me how to get that little tune out of my head now.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: communication, marriage, sex

Before I launch into “I don’t mean what I thought I did” a preface is in order. I really try to write these posts to be an easy read in under 5 minutes but be forewarned: I am breaking my own 5 minute rule. Maybe I will turn this post into 2. We’ll see how it goes.

Added: Yes, I am splitting this post into 2. Sorry for the tease but please keep reading.

You likely have noticed that the old saw opposites attract applies to most marriages out there. It sure does in mine. You’ve surely seen couples like us walking together in the mall and wondered, “How did that goofball manage to land a fine catch like her?” I tend to be slow, plodding and cautious. My wife, on the other hand operates by the deep philosophy FIRE, READY, AIM. Although she is wonderfully organized, impetuosity is her middle name. I am introverted and contemplative. She makes lifelong friends in the bank teller line. I am quiet, she is quite NOT. You get the picture

Have you ever wondered why this is true? Why would I be so drawn to and smitten by another human who could also rub me the wrong way because of our differences? Besides the fact that marrying someone like myself would be quite dull. My wife and I were counseled (by a pastor who was interpreting a Meyers-Briggs test or some such tripe) to reconsider marrying one another. He saw we were too alike in the stubbornness category and far too different in the “likes” category. He forecast, for instance, that my plans for a 2-week backpacking trip would conflict with her desire to spend those same 2 weeks vacationing in a full service resort somewhere fancy schmancy. Our off-the-chart stubbornness index would, he reasoned, kick in and lead to unresolvable conflict. He predicted we would have a rough go of it. And he was partly right and mostly wrong. Our differences cause us to learn to give in to one another, but our stubbornness always carries us through the hard times. One of us always stubbornly chooses to gracefully wait out the other when times get tough between us.

Of course, successful marriages must be built upon shared common values. I can’t imagine a successful marriage where one spouse is devoted to the Bible and the other is equally devoted to the Koran. In this arena, being opposite makes the chances of long term success unlikely for that couple.

It is BY DESIGN that we require an opposite, or as I prefer to say COMPLEMENTARY, spouse. Not complimentary, as in “My don’t you look pretty today”. That kind is important, too, but not the subject today. The kind of complementary I want to look at now is the kind where two halves make a whole. Yin and Yang, if that mental picture of two amoebas chasing each other’s tails within a circle helps you to visualize this concept.

Think of complementary as being air inside of a rubber tire. By itself, the air is pretty useful for breathing and other things, but not of much use for the transport of heavy loads. The tire, when not under a load can support its own weight but not much else. You’ve seen how quickly a tire is shredded when it loses air pressure while being driven. But put the two together- fill a rubber tire with the right amount of air and you get a really useful pair. Much more useful than they were by themselves, but needful of each other’s inherent qualities to get done the job of moving heavy loads quickly and smoothly over bumpy roads. If that tire were solid rubber, it would jar and shake the occupants of the vehicle mercilessly, and probably crack itself to bits in no time, due to the poor conditions of our roads and its inflexibility. But fill a tire with air . . . and you get a smooth ride. The air inside allows the tough tire to flex a little every time it drops into a pothole, preventing damage to the tire itself and aiding the passengers in a safe journey.

I mentioned that complementariness (I know; long cumbersome word. If it is even a word. I’ll try not to use it too often) is by design. I believe there is a designer of all things, including marriage. If we would pay attention to how He designed marriage, most of us would fare much better. Here is where the Bible informs me, and I hope you’ll stick around for a little Sunday School lesson about Adam and Eve. I bet it won’t be anything like your Sunday School teacher of years past taught you. Odds are that your pastor isn’t teaching this either.

And if you are a person who is not so positive on the value of the Bible, well, just please try to look past the scripture references and focus on the truth behind it all. Because, the truth is, TRUTH IS. You don’t have to be a christian for the biblical principals of marriage to work for you. I know this statement will irk many christians. Sorry. Following biblical principals for marriage works for everyone.

Before we get to Adam and Eve and his missing rib, let’s tell a little backstory. The process of God creating something from nothing is the start of the story for us. The first 2 chapters of Genesis provides for us the abbreviated Readers Digest Cliff Notes version of how nothing became the something that we recognize as our universe and the laws that maintain its cohesiveness. I guess we don’t need to know the mechanics of the creation process, but buried in these chapters is some important information about men and women.

Notice how, after God creates each new aspect of the universe, He declares it “good”. Then in Genesis 2:18, we see a “not good”. See it there? It was not good that the man should be alone. I wonder why.

Could it be that it was not good because Adam didn’t have anyone to procreate with? Like, after creating all of the plants and animals to reproduce after their own kind God slipped up and forgot to set up a reproduction system for humans? Come on. Let’s not think like children for a moment, shall we? Something bigger is going on here.

Man was created in the image of God: a self-sufficient being (yes I have ignored the God part of the equation). I can only guess at the reason why God didn’t create humans male and female like he did for the animals, but He didn’t. I don’t think woman was an afterthought to man, though. The order and fashion of Eve’s creation is a very important foundation to how we understand marriage. He did what He did is the order He did it in for a reason, and deciphering that reason clears up a lot of questions for me.

God looked at the newly created man Adam and said “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him to complete him.” Italics added by me because that last phrase was added by me. But it really gets to the point in my opinion. The woman Eve was created to complete/complement Adam. To rule creation with him. Not to serve him. Not just to be his sex buddy. She was created to be an essential, non-disposable part of Adam. Adam needed Eve Like the top half of my body needs the bottom half. She wasn’t created as an add-on feature, but as an essential component of Adam himself. Like the tire needs air.

Here is the part that should be familiar to many. The part where your Sunday School teacher told you that God took a rib from Adam and made a woman and Adam fell in love with her. She might have said that God saw how lonely Adam was and how he had so much work to do by himself. How tidy.

And as you grew older and were able to sit in “big church”, I bet the wise pastor gave you the “real story” and preached that Eve was created from Adam’s side to be equal with him. Not from his feet to be trod upon and not from Adam’s head to boss him around. That is an okay message, too. Safe. Often the pastor will go on about the man being the head of the woman and how he should not take advantage of that power and treat her as his equal. And also mention that she is to remember to be subject to her husband since she was created second. Second Fiddle. Benevolent dictator. This part of the message is not so okay, and you will see why here directly.

So, back to the actual Bible. It says that God put Adam to sleep and took a chunk out of him and fashioned that piece of Adam into Eve. Forget the business of just taking a little rib out. This was major surgery. And here is where it gets interesting: Adam was redistributed.

The formerly complete man Adam was redistributed into two entities. Adam was now missing key components of his old self, but fortunately they were not too far away. Eve also was not complete without Adam at her side. Both humans were able to function on their own, but not to their full or best potential. Just like the tire and air. Adam and Eve became a complete unit, needful of what each had to offer.

If the idea that Adam was redistributed into 2 persons is a little hard to swallow, just consider that man was created in God’s image: God said let US create man in our image. Without making this a novella about the persons of God, just consider that He thought it best that Adam and Eve be complementary. The two halves of a whole. Better together.

Earlier I mentioned the order or sequence of creation. God didn’t create male and female humans like he created other male and female creatures, if you noticed. Elephants, sharks, dogs, and the rest were created by the pair. But Eve was not to be understood as a companion to Adam, or for that matter merely a helpmeet. Human men and women weren’t co-created. Woman came from man, and I bet Adam sensed in his spirit and flesh that his “Eve part” was missing after the operation. When the first couple first locked eyes, there was likely a sense between them of “Hey, I know you!”. Eve wasn’t just another person, she was a necessary part of Adam. She really was a part of Adam.

Which brings us to our marriages. I won’t presume to speak for or about your marriage, so if I may, I will use mine as the test subject. Today I need this woman like I need air. It wasn’t always so, though. Actually, I did always need her like air but I didn’t see the value in needing her like that. I was raised to be independent. Mom taught me to cook and clean for myself. I could even mend my own clothes and sew if I had to. I knew the value of hard work and how to pinch a penny. I felt complete as I stepped into marriage. I felt like I would be a fairly low maintenance guy, and I supposed that we would still have our own individual lives along with the fringe benefits of matrimony.

Why did no one ever tell me that I was marrying my other half? Notice I did not say better half. While that is very true, the profound point here is that it took me years (Probably about 15) to realize that Kim is my other half . . . my Eve. I am incomplete without her. I need my wife to make me a whole man. All along I thought I was a whole man, but then I met my other half. For the first 15 or so years she was just a companion, and a great one at that. But I failed to see the way she could complete me. I suppose I was too proud to admit that I actually needed someone else.

At this point I was going to recount all the ways that she makes my life richer, but realized how misplaced that would be. I started to list out all the ways that her influence enriches our home, ministry, work and play time. Then I deleted them all. I realized that might not be helpful since we are a unique person, and comparing this unique married person to another is about as beneficial as comparing siblings. I am the man God intends me to be with her. I am not fully myself without her at my side. We perfectly balance each other out. But other couples balance each other differently since each spouse brings their own uniqueness to the table.

When I consider that I am not a whole without my complement, I am forced to reconsider what marriage really is. It is not two people coming together to cohabit and make a home together. Complementary union is not a man ruling over his woman, with the woman willingly (HA!) allowing herself to be dominated. Neither is it a 50-50 proposition, with each spouse agreeing that they will take turns making decisions and leading.

As I see it, marriage of complementary individuals requires a reboot of the mind.

We tend to think we are all grown up when we are finally able to marry. After all, we have spent at least 18 years of training with our parents, maybe 4 or more years being trained in college and whatever other kind of life training has been thrown your way. We get married and feel “Big” finally. On our own. Mature.

But guess what? When we say “I do”, we are really agreeing to start our growing up process all over again. We are learning how to cleave with another individual to form us. Just like Adam and Eve. In a sense marriage is a miniature family reunion. Two individuals who have invested 21 or so years into becoming themselves suddenly meet up with the missing part of themselves they always knew they wanted to find and live with. And just like the growing up process has some fun times, it also has some painful lessons to be learned, too.

The difference with marriage is that we somehow got the notion we could divorce ourself if the painful lessons got to bad. The thought probably never occurred to yourself as you were growing up: did it? What sane person would conceive of such an idea? Growing up, we don’t consider divorcing ourself as an option: we learn from hard lessons and adjust accordingly. And the process matures us.

This notion of a complementary, “new person” marriage relationship where each person completes the other might seem far fetched. And as I said, it requires a reboot of the mind. It means that I must consider my new life with my wife as an entirely new process of growing up. We will be teaching each other lessons and learning life lessons together. If my mind is set on the fact that I am only complete with her, then all of these life lessons take on new meaning. We patch up each other’s weak spots and add temper to the strong suits. In areas where one lacks, the other stands in the gap. We each lift the other to newer and higher heights, because that is what I would do for myself.

I hope, by this point, you have begun to grasp upon where I come from. I see marriage as a redistribution of one person among two beings. Seems like a funny way to look at it, I know. But I see it this way because I see it is how we were designed. I know that I have left out a ton of other Bible verses about marriage, and that is on purpose. I see complementariness as the starting place for us to understand how to have a happy marriage (and sex life). Those other verses will make a lot more sense when we get this foundation established first.

Sorry if the title of this post indicated that the subject would be about sex. I fully intended to get there, but ran long on words. Though under the surface it really is about sex, because we need this foundation of complementariness to begin to talk about our sexuality.

In a few more days I will have completed the next post about married sexuality, and hopefully answered the question “Why does he think about it all the time?”.

Until then, Blessings

Technorati Tags: bible, marriage, sex

I love seeing all of the Dad and Husband blogs out there. The Moms have had the corner on this market for quite a while and it is refreshing to see so many men finally talking to each other about man stuff. Any manly related subject is just a fingerclick away, and if you can’t find what you are looking for there is probably a forum somewhere that can steer you right. No subject goes blogless.

Except one.

Have YOU noticed the elephant in the room?

I must admit I am the new guy on the blog (get it…blog-block?), so I can’t claim omniscience here, but I scan the tag clouds and do subject searches, too. Maybe I just don’t know the super secret man handshake to unlock the door to the goodies.

Maybe you guys are just scared to talk about it: Which is rather funny because we think about it ALL THE TIME. Before you got married you talked about it ALL THE TIME, didn’t you? Admit it- you prayed that, from your honeymoon forward, you two would be doing it ALL THE TIME. How’s it working out for you?

How come us married guys can’t discuss sex?

On one hand I am overjoyed to see a little decorum among our gender considering how porn-saturated we are. Nothing like taking the beautiful intimate bond between a man and woman and reducing it to some sort of carnival side show. We don’t need to talk about that kind of sexual expression. It is just bad for us, plain and simple. If we (collectively) just ignored it, it would go away. <End rant>

On the other hand, most men are fairly disappointed with their sex life. I won’t bore you with the backup statistics; just ask your buddies their opinion. My wife and I talk to enough young married couples to say this with confidence. Especially after the children start arriving. Can anyone say dry spell? And don’t misunderstand- there are plenty of wives out there who are feeling short changed in this department, too. But this is manmail. MANmail. The gals have their own place to kvetch.

I will occasionally poke my head into some of the men’s forums and see that a few of the brave ones are asking questions like :”We haven’t done it since her fifth month of pregnancy and now the baby is in school… how do I get our groove back?” OR ” My wife says to just take care of myself, ’cause she’s too tired… what gives?” OR “Junior is getting more ta-ta time than I ever did … and I’m jealous. When do I get ‘em back?“. And usually the responses go something like, ” Dude, I’m having the same problem. Let me know if you figure anything out. I hear we are supposed to talk nice and do the dishes.”

So what’s a husband to do if he feels his wife is uninterested in intimacy? How do we deal with not getting enough sex? This is a very common complaint of parents with young children. You are certainly not alone. And if you spread out having kids over many years, the lack of intimacy over time can crush your spirit.

Let me put a disclaimer out there first. I am not a psychologist or therapist and have not written any books. I haven’t even read many about the subject. I work in the construction industry. I write only from personal experience, and my only hope in writing about this sensitive subject is to offer someone the tools to avoid some of the traps the wife and I fell into. Also, you will note my christian worldview. But I bet most of you will be surprised how practical the bible is. I refer to it as authority, but I promise not to use it as a club. If we are on different pages spiritually, fine. I don’t mind if you tune out the specific scripture references, but I do hope you will grasp the underlying wisdom. <End disclaimer>

NO WAY can we hope to cover this subject in one blog post. So let’s start off real slow with a little survey . . . Put the kids to bed early and allow at least 90 minutes to write down your answers and discuss them. Print off 2 copies of the survey, by the way.

IMPORTANT: Only those questions that are answered in writing may be discussed. This prevents one spouse from changing or modifying their responses to accommodate the other. The goal is honest and uncomplicated discussion. Do not discuss what you haven’t first written down.

Next installment of ummmm Sex? part 2 :”I don’t mean what I thought I did.”

INTIMACY SURVEY

1– List three things that I do that bothers you the most (such as leaving the toothpaste uncapped)?

8– Is there a place we’ve never been to or a place where we have never been intimate that you would like to share with me?

9– If I could give you anything in this world and money was no object what would it be other than me (because you already have me)?

10– If you could give me anything in this world and money was no object what would it be other than yourself (because I already have you)?

11– If we could take a vacation to any place on this earth and again money was no object where would it be and why?

Blessings

Technorati Tags: communication, marriage, sex, survey