We are not talking about America’s pastime, here. When I say “majoring in the minors” I am talking about the way we can make a mountain out of a molehill. Sometimes I draw a line in the sand where (in retrospect) I shouldn’t have, but then must stand my ground even though I would rather not. We need to carefully consider which issues we really want to elevate to Major League status. Sometimes in my rush to correct some little flaw in my child’s behavior I build a mountain out of it to the point that MY reaction to his or her “problem” becomes the real issue.

Here is an example of what I am thinking; the other day I was at home all day with the kids while the wife was away at a seminar, and I very nearly blew a gasket over something my wife just takes in stride: Picking Up After Yourself.

The older boys had prepared themselves a nutritious lunch of boxed mac and cheese and grilled cheese sammiches with powdered lemonade to wash it all down. They tore open boxes, opened milk, unwrapped cheese, strained macaronis, pulled bread out of wrapper, used many pans and utensils and generally left a huge mess. Then they ate at various locations of the house.

After filling their stomachs, they continued on with whatever it was they were doing prior to initiating a nuclear mac and cheese sammich with lemonade dust explosion all over the house: Playing Guitar Hero or lighting matches or dressing up the Labradors in their sister’s clothes or filling balloons with acetylene and lighting them or whatever. I am not really sure because all I could see was that there was a HUGE mess left for someone to clean up (someone=someone else. Usually mom or dad in this case). I was ready to lay down the law. I wanted to make up some kind of rule to prevent rude kids from unfairly imposing upon their parents to perpetually clean up in the wake of their lives. I started to get into my Dad’s ranting again mode with one of the kids, but fortunately stopped before I drew tears. This time I just let it go and cleaned up the mess myself.

In earlier years I would not have let this thing slide. I would have gathered up all of the messy offenders and stood by while they cleaned up the entire kitchen. I would not have stopped chiding them until it was cleaned to my satisfaction. There would be tears. There would be frustration. And invariably, there would be further extensions of punishment because tempers would flare.

I know many families where Rules are more important than Relationship. I admit that I tend toward rule making rather than relationship making. My wife is quite the opposite and would suffer many personal indignities if that is what it took to grow a relationship. I suppose you could say we balance each other, but I seriously want more of the grace she expresses.

So back to the point of Majoring in the Minors- We all do it sometimes. We make an issue of nonissues and regret it later. We take a minor league player-Cleanliness- and promote him to the Big Leagues then get all bent out of shape when he doesn’t perform as expected.

I will resist the urge to make a list of all the Minor League stuff that we dads might find to promote. That’s too easy. Instead I want to give handles to this issue. Ready?

Ask yourself this one question when dealing in frustrating issues: “Will my response deepen the relationship or thicken the rulebook?”

It really is that easy. Don’t proceed with that thought of discipline or cross words until you run it through the “relationship/rulebook” filter. Minor leaguers are not worth placing on the mound. Don’t go there.

If I convert too many minor leaguers into majors, it just dilutes the importance of the majors to my kids. I have got to decide which issues are worth taking a stand for. Certainly Life/Safety is major league. Morals, ethics and values are major league, too.

This is a great topic for your next date night. When you are alone with your wife, bring up the topic of “majoring in the minors” and get her input. It is quite likely that she has some pretty good insight.

Blessings

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“But it said on the news that you were getting rain”, Mom insisted. “It was raining.”

“Well, I sure haven’t seen any rain in a while, but maybe I missed it.”

“The TV news said you were getting rain, and I just don’t see how they could be wrong about something like this. They have cameras.”

“I didn’t watch the news today, but there was no rain at our house.”

“I DID rain. I am sure of it.”

“Alright Mom, you are right. It was raining.”

And that was all it took. Mom had to be right. She would not back down about something as innocuous as the weather of a location 60 miles away from her. She needed to feel “right” about it and it didn’t matter to her that she put another crimp in her relationship with her daughter-in-law. Right Rules. And neither could she see how foolish “looking right” made her appear.

Mom had no idea that needing to be right was driving a wedge in our relationship.

And I fear that the “need to be right” thing is genetic. I have passed it down to our kids (and, NO, the gene didn’t skip a generation; I just am not in the mood to embarrass myself today by telling of the many ways I have been humbled over the years).

During our vacation last week, our oldest son (a tinkerer) was attempting something with the Seadoo motor that was going to, IMHO, burn up the motor. I asked him to stop and told him why (he was creating a lean condition for you motorheads). He insisted that I didn’t know what I was talking about and what he was attempting was safe.

I decided not to argue. If he needed to be “right” to the point that he wouldn’t get to ride the ‘doo for the rest of the vacation due to a burnt up motor, then I was willing for him to “win”. Of course, the repair bill would still be in my name, but I figured this might be a good lesson about rightness. He did quit tweaking the motor, but still wouldn’t concede the point. Progress I suppose.

As a dad, have you considered what your “needing to be right” looks like to your children? It is quite possible that I exasperate (frustrate, anger) my kids every time they see me ignore or cover up my wrongness. They might even feel that I endorse a double standard when I am seen breaking a rule that they typically get punished for (like lying).

I think one of the best and most profound attitudes we can teach our kids is that of humility. When I voluntarily go to a child and ask their forgiveness for something I have said or done to them, they see that relationship is more valuable to me than rightness. Acting humble (not needing to be right) becomes easier for a child when they see it modeled by their dad. Needing to be right all the time tells the kids that I value my self-esteem more than their feelings.

Relationship trumps “rightness”. Is that true in your home? This was the message our heavenly Father sent when His innocent son was nailed to a cross. He values a relationship with us to such a degree that He willingly gave up all the rights of “Godness” so that he could walk humbly with us in human flesh. He didn’t seek to rule over us with an iron fist. He sought to walk with us, side by side.

Care to take another Manmail Challenge? Think of just one way you have acted or talked inappropriately recently, then go talk to your children about it. No lectures needed at this time- just confess your humanity to them. Express your heartfelt desire to do better. And remind them of your love for them, even when they struggle with “rightness”.

Blessings

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“Fathers, do not exasperate your children…” Ephesians 6:4

The Bible can really get to the heart of a matter, if you choose to look. It looks to to me like this is a message aimed primarily at dads. Mom wasn’t mentioned; neither was anyone else. Just dads. It looks like maybe we have special powers to exasperate (frustrate, anger) our kids.

The influence of a dad on his children is far more profound than most of us realize. I wonder if we take for granted the negative feelings we can generate in our kids by expecting them to act perfectly? Even when we are trying our hardest to be our best, we can unknowingly put pressure on them to try to be someone they think we want them to be, and not the person God built them to be. Sometimes kids fake it in order to please a parent.

As a dad, I want nothing less than for my kids to have life a little better or easier than me. When I see them, for instance, not trying their hardest on the ballfield or procrastinating their chores I naturally project those “shortcomings” into their career future and assume the worst. I figure that, if they aren’t giving it their best now, how will they ever learn to excel at whatever it is they will do in the future? So I withhold approval whenever I sense they aren’t “measuring up” to my preset standards for them.

But I don’t think that just being there on the soccer field warrants a trophy, either. The best team deserves to get that reward. It is good for the others who didn’t get that #1 trophy to strive to earn it next season. Kids don’t get exasperated by being #2 on the field or in the classroom. They expect that others will sometimes perform better.

But at home, dads have the special ability to drive their kids insane by expecting too much of them. We exasperate our kids when we withhold a compliment or praise until they perform perfectly. Of course, being kids, they rarely do perform perfectly. If a child’s weekly chore is to mow the lawn, what does it cost me to say “good job” even if he didn’t make the herringbone pattern that I like? Why do I choose to point out the couple of weeds he missed in the flowerbeds instead of complimenting on the other 98% of good work?

When my daughter brings home an “A” paper, do I point out how she could have made it an “A+”?

Do I point out the misspellings on my Father’s Day cards?

Do I EVER use critical words or tone of voice towards my children?

Here is the money question, and one I hope every dad will etch into his brain; Do you want your kids to grow up and leave home thinking they could never please their father?

When I allow myself to exasperate my kids, I send them a real clear message that I will not fully love them until they perform as expected. Do I want my kids to feel they must earn my affection? Or should they be free to experience unconditional love from me?

I want my kids to know that, even if they are not the best at something, they are still good and worthy people. I need them to have a clear understanding that their dad does not love them for their performance, but rather loves them just because they are his. I don’t need to promote performance anxiety at home; they will get enough of that throughout life.

If this post has caused you to think even a little bit about exasperation, I would suggest using your wife as a sounding board. Ask her if she sees you exasperating your kids by expecting perfection in them. She may be able to help you find the loving words you really want to say instead of the words that frustrate. Ask her to be honest to the point of hurting your feelings if necessary, because you are a dad who wants his kids to know unconditional love better than he did as a child.

Blessings

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But let me leave you with a few of the thoughts that have been fluttering around my head this week. I think I know the answers, but then again I might not.

Does Satan have the ability to get into a person’s mind? Not in the way that advertising or a catchy obnoxious song does, but can he actually get in there and make me do and think things?

Does Satan know which people are Christians and which ones are not?

I encourage you to think through these questions, and if you have any sort of religious training or upbringing- temporarily suspend belief in anything you might have thought you have been taught from the pulpit.

These questions are worthy of some of your brain cells. Take some time to put handles on what it is you truly believe. And once you have a handle on what you believe about good and evil, apply it to how you live and think.

And throw me a comment or question if you care to- it just might take me a week to get back to ya.

Blessings

I want to talk about sexual refusal today from the man’s side. Yep- “headaches” don’t just happen to wives anymore. A significant number of men actually practice sexual refusal in their marriages. The rest of you- about 4 out of 5- are likely shaking your heads and muttering “WTF?”; who in their right mind would ever turn down a chance to do the horizontal bop?

We humans fabricate mechanisms to protect ourselves from real and imagined threats to our well being. I like to say we build walls to protect ourselves from the bogeyman in our own minds. Usually, the walls we build end up becoming like the walls of a septic tank, keeping the crap inside and doing very little to protect us from anything. But still, we build away, not knowing how or being willing to accept the help of the ones we love and who love us in return. Building a wall of sexual refusal might seem like a way to protect myself from some potential hurt, but in the end and like all other walls, it alienates the one person I desire most.

Sexual refusal is NOT those few times when we agree we’d rather sleep than schtupp, maybe due to busyness or fatigue. I am speaking of the habit of saying “No” to your wife’s requests for intimacy. Refusal is also “working” things so that it looks like there are few opportunities for sex: staying up late to catch the news, coming to bed unwashed, nitpicking enough to foul the mood, working late . . . you get the picture. A man is refusing when he knows his wife wants to get close, or even just makes herself available for sex- and he would rather not, so he finds a way to get out of his “duty” to perform.

I know a couple of men who actually refuse or avoid sex with their wives. Of course, men being the solitary creatures we are, I only know about this because our wives talk. Not the gossipy kind of talk; they talk about it because the lovely and wise Postmistress is perceived by these women as someone who can keep a confidence and offer hope. And she talks with and prays with them about it. These ladies do everything in their power to try to entice their guys, but to no avail. If mywife had a tenth of the sexy outfits and playtoys these ladies have, I’d never  let her out of the bedroom. Go figure.

One of the ladies has admitted to being on the “8-year plan”. That is the number of years left until her youngest child is out of the house and in college. Then she is leaving him. She just cannot bear up under the loneliness that sexual and emotional refusal brings her. And on the surface, this couple looks really happy. They seem to have it all together. They hardly fight (except about sex). Great kids. Great career. They take interesting vacations. They are fun to be around, individually and as a couple. He just won’t give her what she needs. She asks. She begs. She gets mad about it. She diets and works out. She plans fun getaways. And he refuses to put out for her, except maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I call that a starvation diet.

But it is not the lack of regular orgasms that has her planning to leave. She admits to wanting it every day, but would settle for next to nothing if her husband would just cuddle a bit and initiate a little intimacy once in a while. She would make do with less sex than she wants if he would just make her feel desireable in other ways. She needs to feel needed. She knows most men are horndogs, and can’t figure out what is so wrong with her that her husband won’t get naked with her. She admits that she probably would not be able to resist any man who would treat her specially.

 Tear down the wall!

Sexual refusal is about control. There are doubtless other reasons that one spouse would choose to do this to another, but the global motivation is generally a need to be in control or deny control by another.

I am not a doctor or psychologist, but I do know that refusers are playing a dangerous game. Perhaps you think, “Oh, we are Christians and we don’t believe in divorce. We will muddle through this. Sex is not that important anyway.” Or maybe your thing is, “I will treat her right and meet her needs as soon as she quits nagging or loses weight or stops binge spending” or whatever other lame excuse you have for being a weak man. This game always ends badly. Usually in divorce, but most often with infidelity. Surprisingly, the infidelity of the refused spouse often becomes a wake-up call to the refuser. Some couples testify that their marriages grew to wonderfulness after the affair and refusing stopped. This sounds to me like a terrible way to learn how not to refuse. Seems like a manly man would do the right thing before things get so out of hand.

1 out of 5 married men are doing this to their wives as a matter of habit. About 40% of wives claim to use sexual refusal as a tactic to get their way in the marriage. This is astounding to me that we are willing to play with and prey upon each others’ intimacy needs this way. This crazymaking has to stop if we are to have any hope of a fulfilled married life.

Think about it- would you counsel your children to use sexual refusal as a tool for control in their marriage? I wonder why it is okay, then, for so many parents to engage in it? In our house, the kids often overhear their parents planning to “be together tonight”. We try to be subtle about it, but they know fo sho that mom and dad are getting plenty. They know we make it a priority. Alone time is treasured, not avoided.

What to do if this is going on in my marriage today? The first thing I can say is that you can’t change/fix this alone. You must talk to your spouse about it until you both fully understand why you are choosing to cheat her out of the intimacy she deserves from you. You cannot do this without her on your side. She needs to know that you are working at it. If she knows that you are trying, she will be able to pick up the slack when you mess up occasionally by saying no. This conversation will undoubtedly wring pints of tears from you both, but you will harvest gallons and gallons of contentment and trust once you air out your reasons for sexual refusal.

Notice that I am not mentioning the root causes of sexual refusal. Most often the fears that lead us to build the refusal wall were born from trauma in our childhood. This leads me to my second point about what to do. You probably need to get some outside help. If you have a mentor type older man in your life, get him involved (with your wife’s agreement). Often, a little butt-kicking from someone we respect is all we need to set us straight. Should you go this route, you must be willing to be way more honest with him than you have been ever with your wife.

Also consider professional help, whether it be a clergyman or a counselor. This is probably the tallest hurdle for most men to get over- trusting a stranger to help. After all, the refuser hasn’t been able to trust his own wife with his fears.

The wall of sexual refusal is built over time, block by block. It is entirely possible that someone reading this post is in the process of erecting a wall right now; perhaps unknowingly. I encourage all of us men to survey our marriages in order to determine if we are subtly laying the foundation for  sexual refusal.

Blessings

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This post is not to debate the merits of arguing, but to assess the impact marital strife has on our kids. Neither am I going to delve into the joy of makeup sex, which is an unintended consequence of retractance (sp?) (a word?) of said fighting words.

Let me say at once that the Postmistress and I rarely fight any more. The little censor guy in my head has gotten well practiced at shutting down the oral circuitry prior to allowing most stupidry to escape. Forced lengual shutdown is a learned survival skill for most men, and it is the reason most of our friends would say that I am a pretty quiet guy.  

I am really just curious about what our children think about when Mom and Dad fight. And PUH-lease don’t kid yourself into believing they don’t know what is going on. They do. It is their job.

Likely the greatest common fear of children is that their parents will split up. Have you talked to your kids about divorce yet? I don’t know of a family that it hasn’t touched. Seeing parents fight is stressful enough, but imagining that it could lead to a breakup of the family is certainly in the minds of your children. Specifically, have you talked openly about why adults disagree and reassured them that you are staying together even though mom and dad disagree sometimes?

Or do you just try to go about life as if nothing is wrong, except that your guts are in full boil? Do you really  think that the kids don’t notice that mommy keeps a wide berth of daddy? Think they don’t see your smile turn upside down as soon as mom enters the room? Are sure that they can’t feel the tension between the parents?

Talk to your kids about your disagreements after things cool down a bit. (And I am thinking of children of basic reasoning age: maybe 4 or 5 as a start). Make a pact between yourselves as parents that you will be appropriately open with the children about the disagreements that spill out into the home. If you are sure that a particular disagreement has not been picked up on the kiddy radar, then keep it private. Agree to talk with the kids together, as a couple.

By agreeing ahead of time to spill the beans to the kids you create a type of fight filter. Knowing that the spat might go before the juvenile judges tends to moderate the amplitude of our emotions. I am not saying to ask their opinion of our relationship; I am saying that they need an age appropriate childlike explanation for the reason Mom and Dad’s stress has splattered onto them.

Before talking to the kids, get on the same page about what exactly you will share with them. This is a good make-up tool for the parents, and might help to ensure that this fight doesn’t happen again. Don’t give any gory details or too much personal feelings. Certainly don’t dredge up “he said/she said”. They just need reassurance that the most important people in their lives are committed to working things out.

Lest I sound too kid-centric; hear me out. In no way should parents give up any of their God ordained authority in the home. Parents are called to raise, discipline, and disciple their kids. That is not the issue here. In fact, I would say that bickering parents are more susceptible to a kiddie-coup than those who present a united front. They will play you against each other if  they see advantage for themselves.

If my kids see that good parents can occasionally disagree but still retain love and respect for each other, then I think a major lesson has been taught. Isn’t it good to set reasonable expectations about marriage and model positive tools for conflict resolution?

Whaddya think? Give me your opinion about becoming this transparent with your children.

Blessings

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I got an email yesterday.

I still haven’t embraced the gamut of the social media scene, but several months ago I was looking for a connection to an old friend who is now in ministry in Little Rock. Just wanted to peek into his ministry and read anything he might be writing. This man, in his past life, wrote books about micro-circuitry and taught at the graduate level. I wondered what he might now be writing about ministry in the inner city. In the process I signed into Facebook. Didn’t do anything but the bare minimum: no pictures, no personal data, nothing. I just signed up.

My friend Harry apparently shares my hesitancy about social media, although he is definitely the Go-to guy for anything Mac. Like me, he isn’t doing Facebook either.

And I forgot all about anything Facebook.

Until yesterday.

“Hi, this is your old girlfriend from 25 years ago. Just wondering how you are and what you are doing today. Email me back.” (Slightly rewritten to exclude specific names, dates and places which confirmed our identities.)

Now I am a pretty curious guy by nature. And like that funny ape Curious George my curiosity has has reeled in both fun and trouble.

Just. Press. DELETE.

NOW!

“But I am curious . . .”

And a debate ensued within my mind; angel on the right shoulder and devil on the left.

After 30 minutes or so of Perry Mason of the mind, I did it. I just pressed delete. I decided that there are things that are knowable but not beneficial. Couldn’t come up with any good reason to reopen that memory box.

Today I wonder why it took me anything more than a millisecond to hit delete. Being a man is so confusing to myself; no wonder I baffle my wife. I baffle myself. I have a good life. I have a nearly perfect wife. I consider myself a solid Christian. I just don’t know why I would even allow the debate to occur. Sigh.

So it goes with being a man.

I am glad that I am in a good place in life right now. The decision to delete was not really that hard. But, I thought, what if my marriage was in a more tenuous position? Would my decision stand? Would common sense still trump curiosity? I hope so. I think I know so.

Oh men- guard your hearts and grow your marriages.

Blessings

(And if you are wondering- Nope- not telling the wife anything. Some things are better left unsaid.)

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