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I was having lunch in a fast food “restaurant” the other day when a conflict arose between a little girl and her mom. They were on the other side of a partition, so I could only hear the exchange. I have no idea what the original conflict was about, but at this point the mom just wanted the daughter, who had wandered away, to come back to the table so they didn’t have to broadcast their dispute to all the patrons. Must not have occurred to mom that she could stand up and go get her little girl.

“No Mommy, I don’t want to”, was said in an obvious not inside voice.

“Angelica, come here to mommy right now” said an exasperated and embarrassed mother in forced hushed tones.

“No.”

“Angelica, mommy wants you to walk right back over here right now.”

“Angelica…”

Silence.

“Honey, will you please come closer so mommy can talk to you?”

“I don’t wanna.”

Silence.

“Angelica, don’t make me count.”

“No wanna do.”

“Alright then, mommy is just going to have to count. Do you want to be in trouble? Please don’t make mommy count.”

Silence.

“Mommy’s going to count then. See how you like being in trouble.”

“One.”

“See, now mommy is counting. Are you ready to obey mommy?”

Screaming: “I no wanna doooooo.”

“Honey, mommy is counting now. If you don’t come to me you will get in trouble.”

“Two.”

 . . . .

“Three. . . See, now I am at three. Okay, okay, mommy sees you moved closer to her. I will give Angelica until FIVE now before she is in trouble.”

 . . . .

“Four.”

 . . . .

“Five.”

“Did you hear mommy say five?”

 . . . .

“Okay, there now. See that wasn’t so hard to walk back to mommy. That’s a good girl. Should we pick out an ice cream for the good girl before we go home?”

I wasn’t looking at my watch, but I bet this little tug-o-war took at least 3 minutes.

Who won?

I really felt for this frustrated Mom as she was wrestling for power and control with her preschooler. I am sure that she wanted to just have a simple meal that didn’t require doing dishes afterward. And the Mom was obviously trying to be considerate of the other customers who were trying to enjoy their meals, too.

A lot of parents fall into the counting trap. We sure did.

Looking back, I can’t think of one good reason to give a grace count after a parent has instructed a child to obey in some particular way. Perhaps this sounds rigid and dogmatic to you; but does “counting” mimic anything in real life? Do you get a 5-count to get that operations report into your boss? Is there a 3-count for running red lights?

Expecting our children to obey right away is only fair to the child. Said another way, allowing a grace count while a child decides whether or not it is worth it to bend his will to mommy is bad parenting. Here are a few reasons why I make this claim:

• Counting is lying. Every time a parent gives this particular kind of “grace” to a child, it says to the child, “I didn’t really mean what I told you. Take your time and explore ways to get around my request.” The payoff comes much later in life when you will hope to convince this child that alcohol, drugs, skipping school and premarital sex are bad ideas for a 13 year old. He will naturally assume that he gets a 5-count for this stuff, too.
• Counting encourages kids to test the limits of authority. To a small child, the ultimate authority of the universe is Mom and Dad. When parents cause a child to believe that it is okay to delay submission, it is reasonable to assume they will carry those beliefs into their thoughts about God and other authority figures in life. We should be encouraging kids to press the limits in life, but certainly not against parental authority.
• Counting creates a “winner” mentality where it doesn’t belong. Of course we want to foster a positive self image in our little ones. But do I really want to make each act of obedience into a “win or lose” proposition? Think about my Angelica example: she “won” on several levels, including being rewarded with an ice cream. Winning feels good. Guess how high mommy will have to count next time? But let’s say that Angelica’s mommy gave Angelica some discipline for forcing her to count and Angelica apologizes to mommy. Now mommy wins the 5-count war, which is a hollow victory also. It would be best if “winner-loser” didn’t even get injected in discipline issues. Make ‘em winners on the sports field and in school.
• Counting increases frustration for the parent. Now ask yourself the question, “Why did we choose to have kids?” Was your answer, “Because I need bigger ulcers and I love to hear word NO repeated incessantly”? Of course not: we have kids because we want to share in the joy they provide. Sure we know that challenges are naturally a part of child rearing. But why introduce extra frustration on purpose? Poor behavior is reinforced when a child sees that mom or dad won’t mean what they say for a while longer. Wanna hear and see “NO” more often?:Put off consequences. Counting indicates your willingness to accept extended disobedience.
• Counting diminishes the authority of parents. Parenting is a wonderful mixture of fun, hard work, some tears, pride, and many more ingredients. Seems that the parental authority ingredient often gets substituted by some weaker value. Kids need the security and structure of overarching authority if they are to develop into balanced adults. Parents need to carefully tread the beam between iron-fistedness and best-buddyness, but must ensure that the child does not mistake himself as the authority figure in the home.

There is no harder job than being a good parent. Why make it even harder by offering a grace count in response to your child’s willful disobedience? Really, you will notice a lot less tension (in you and your child) once this kind of tug-o-war is eliminated from your child-training and discipline efforts.

Blessings

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Looking backward is sometimes the only way to give us the courage to move forward. Consider taking your family of young children on a long journey to Grandma’s house in a far away state. After going only a hundred miles, the 3 potty stops, 15 choruses of “When do we get there?”, 27 cries of “He pinched me”, 2 flaming tantrums, and having to turn around once to retrieve the teddy bear that accidentally jumped out the window might cause a sane parent to want to abort the journey.

It is these times, when the journey ahead seems impossible, that a look in the rear view mirror is essential. Taking stock of just how far we have come, instead of focusing on how difficult the rest of the trip seems is a critical survival skill for every parent. If a young parent makes the false assumption that the “terrible twos” is indicative of the remaining 16 to 20 years of parenting, they are bound to be hopelessly discouraged.

Sleepless nights, sexless weeks or months, no time for the old friends, no time for self anymore, feeling enslaved to this diaper-clad human whom you love desperately but secretly sometimes resent, the “new car smell” being displaced by Eau du vomit: These drive us all to the brink of hopelessness and despair. You are not alone. You are a parent.

So here is my Rear View Mirror story. I hope that by looking back with me, you will gain at least a little encouragement to press on.

Today: You will see a  seemingly well adjusted 19 year old young man who:

• Earns good grades at University. He is a Junior and is working toward his degree in Engineering.
• Works full time every summer. With his earnings he bought his first used car, with cash, at 17. Last summer he traded in the car and got a loan for his first nearly-new pickup truck. With his summer earnings saved, he makes the monthly payments by himself out of his savings account.
• Volunteers 4 hours each week to tutor kids in math and English through a community outreach program at our church.
• Cheerfully tutors his younger brother with the math problems that his teacher can’t explain.
• Bakes cookies with his 7 year old little brother.
• Occasionally buys his Mom flowers.
• Talks openly about sexual purity with his parents and his girlfriend and her parents.
• Is willing to tell friends (or friends’ parents) “No, that kind of movie is unacceptable: let’s watch something else or find something else to do together.”
• Will take on any task that you say can’t be done.

Growing up: You would have seen parents who were praying for the very soul of this miniature terrorist. We literally said to ourselves many times, “This kid is either going to prison or is going to become successful. Prison looks most likely.” Following are a few low-points in our journey to adulthood:

• When he was about 14, his insolence seemed incurable. We began looking into military schools for him. We were seeing so much disrespect and disregard for others, we seriously feared for him. He got the picture and straightened up somewhat when he saw how serious we were about sending him away.
• I was working out of state during part of his 13th year and disrespect for his Mom was a huge issue. I guess he thought he was the man of the house since I wasn’t there most of the time. He was actually bossing my wife around and worse. Let’s just say that one of my few weekends at home was spent entirely devoted to teaching this boy how men defend the honor of their wife. He learned that this woman was first my wife and second his mother. We agreed that any other man who treated MY Wife so poorly would be asked to leave our home, and if said man persisted in abusing my wife he could expect a sound thrashing. Sounds radical, I know; just saying how desperate things were. He saw a very serious side to his dad that weekend and has forever treated my wife much more respectfully.
• For about a year we had to forgo restaurants because of the embarrassing ruckus he would invariably stir up. I will tell you just one of our many restaurant stories here: We were on vacation with the wife’s family at their mountain cabin. Her Grandparents were there, too, and they wanted to take us all out to a nice luncheon at a fancy waterside restaurant one day. We knew the boy was going to ruin the experience for us all, but couldn’t gracefully refuse the invitation. So we went. Prior to walking into the restaurant, I took little Matthew aside and explained how I expected him to behave in a way that a 3 year old mind could understand. We had had this talk numerous times before. I explained again the consequences for throwing silverware, shouting “NO!”, screaming anything, throwing food, hitting the waiter, banging the dishes, intentionally overturning glasses, using a spoon as a catapult, pinching his brother, saying nasty things to anyone (and we went through the list of nasty things he has said to others already and gotten in trouble for).  We then proceed in to where everyone is by now seated. Before I even sit down, he starts throwing a fit about sitting in the booster seat. Screaming. So while everyone else is ordering their food, we are having another “talk”outside. We return to the table and peace reigns for five minutes. Then a water glass is tossed. Outside again, this time for a spanking. Tears, hugs, reminder that Dad loves Matthew but he may not act this way. We hold hands and explore around the place for a few minutes. Then back inside. The food has has arrived by now. He doesn’t like what he is served because he didn’t get to select it himself, due to the fact that he was outside with Dad. PB&J gets thrown toward Grandma. Back outside for another round of spank, hug, “love you too much to let you act this way”.  Back inside. By now, the other patrons are enjoying our comings and goings. And we weren’t done yet. Another fit was thrown about sitting in the “little boy seat”. Another march outside, for another round of talk, spanking, hug, reminder that I love him, hold hands and explore some more. Back inside, and by now he is really hungry and so am I. We sit down and saltine crackers seem to be appeasing him. Grandpa tries to engage Matthew in a little conversation. Mistake. Matthew sasses back with some 3 year-old smack. Back outside we go, and by now you know the routine. In the end, I never touched my meal. For two hours we went back and forth. As we were walking back to the car, Grandpa said “You are doing the right thing. Keep it up and it will pay off eventually.” I needed eventually to be real soon.
• This is the kid who never met a carseat he couldn’t escape. A 20 minute trip across town was easily doubled due to needing to stop along the road to put him back in the seat. And yes, my wife once got pulled over by a cop when he saw the boy crawling out of the carseat.
• Carseat gymnastics: When in close proximity to any carseat, he would arch his back, stiffen his limbs, thrash about wildly, scream “No Mommy!”, and throw anything at hand. Putting him the seat was like putting a cat in the shower.
• After being sent to his room (I think he was about 7) I walked in quietly to talk to him about what he had done to earn his time out in his room. Apparently he didn’t hear me walk in as he was muttering under his breath and was tracing some letters in the carpeting. He quickly brushed with his hand over what he had been spelling, but I had already seen. “What were you writing there, Matthew? Please tell me  what A-S-S means. . .”
• One Sunday morning, Matthew had pushed one of his Little Tykes chairs from his room into the kitchen so he could get up on the counter to spill some milk or explore the garbage disposal or maybe just play with knives- I really don’t remember exactly. His mom asked him to push the chair back to his room before we left for church. This was a trip of maybe 15 adult size paces. He got it moved out of the kitchen, but would go no further. ‘Matthew, didn’t Mom ask you to put that chair away? Please do as you were asked.” He ran off to play elsewhere, ignoring me. A threat got him back to the chair, which he promptly moved 1 foot toward his room, then looked up defiantly at me. “Finish doing what Mom asked you to do.” Six more inches were gained, then arms were crossed across his chest. He was done. We were late for church. “Why don’t we just finish this after we get home from church?” his Mom pleaded because she knew where this battle was going to get us. “We will go after Matthew completes the task you asked him to do. Matthew, push the chair to your room.” He refused, and got a spank, which motivated him to push the chair 1 foot closer to his room. Arms crossed again, bitter scowl worn on his face. “Obey or get another spank.” No motion from the 3 foot tall emperor. A spank, this time a little harder. “That didn’t hurt” he said with welling eyes. That little guy was in a battle for control over his life and he was determined to win that day. We never made it to church. Matthew pushed that chair all the way to his room, 6 inches at a time with a spank at every pause of rebelliousness. His mom cried through the whole affair, not because she was mad at me for sticking to my guns, but because the process of bending an iron will is painful to be a part of. I think it took us the better part of an hour. We all spent a long time hugging and crying together once he got the chair put away. We told him how proud we were that he finally obeyed. We reminded him of our love for him. In the end Matthew did win the day, but not how he had hoped at the time. He won because we were willing to win over his will. He was the winner each time he learned how to gain control over himself.

Raising children is a difficult, wonderful, amazing job. Some of you reading this can totally relate to what we went through with our “strong willed child”. Some of you are completely baffled by this because your kids are more compliant. We have a couple of kids like that, too.

Raising kids has its bleak moments, for sure. I want to encourage you that those bleak moments are just that- moments. From the vantage of my rear-view mirror, the bad times are outnumbered by the fun times by 100 to 1. I see mostly the camping trips and game nights and nights spent staying up late talking and soccer games much clearer than the few rough patches. And that is important for us all to remember: The rough patches of life together pass quickly. Don’t let their immediacy rob you of the joy of parenting. The bleak moments soon pass and become a part of the quilt of your family.

I guess I just wanted to say “Hang in there”. The normal challenges of being a good dad are what draw us closer to our kids and our kids closer to us. When our kids see Dad commited to doing what is right and best for them despite the cost, they grow in confidence is us. They need to have confidence that our word is gold, even if that confidence is grown through tough discipline. Kids need to see us stick with it even when they choose to defy us. These are the seeds of trust, sown throughout the formative years and harvested when our little guys and girls grow up big. Hang in there, discipline wisely, and your kids will someday consider you as their best friend.

Blessings

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