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DISCLOSURE: This is being written by an introvert. I am totally fine with being alone. Watching the Sci-Fi channel all day Saturday interspersed with periods of reading a good book suits me quite well. It is no challenge for me to tune out the world and get all cozy with: ME. After all . . . I need my “me-time” to reconnect with, well, ME.  ’Cause, you know, I wouldn’t be any good to anybody if I wasn’t good to myself. And besides, if you are going to be able to love anybody, ya gotta love yourself first.  Gotta build up the old self-image before I build up anybody else . . . Blablablabla . . .  /END SARCASM.

ME-time is way overrated, especially for a man with a family. There are people in your home who need what only you can give them. Didn’t you marry your wife because you felt you couldn’t live without her?  Wasn’t there something said about “forsaking all others”? Now, as I understand it, many men try to convince their wives that they need  to “do their own thing for themselves once in a while”. Supposedly we need to get out of the house from time to time and cut loose. I suspect this is merely selfishness carried over from singleness.  Marriage is, I suppose, adding a sex partner to my list of other fun activities? She thinks not.

 Dude, your time for ME was all that time you had BW&K (Before Wife and Kids). I sold my dirt bike and gave away all my rock climbing stuff right before I got married. Before my wedding day, life was all about ME and doing fun things for ME. Come to think of it, I wonder how there was any time left for dating my wife and I wonder what she saw in this self-centered guy who prioritized play time. ( I am going to ask her that tonight when I get home). When we commit to marriage, we commit to giving of ourself to the person we chose as being the perfect complement for us. Likewise, she knows that her husband has strengths and qualities that she needs in her life, or else she won’t be a complete person.

Completing one another- isn’t that really the mystery of marriage? This is the truth behind the saying “Opposites attract”. I married my wife because I need her: need  in the sense that I am not a rightly functioning person without what she has to offer.  “A ship without a sail, A stake without a chain” . . . Each of us is our own person, but not fully functioning to our potential without the other. I can’t tell you how many times her gentle spirit has saved me from making an a$$ of myself. Yes I need her.

If you will be honest with yourself, ME-time is often just a conflict avoidance strategy. ME-time seems really important  when unresolved conflict dwells in our house. For this guy’s little pea brain, it seems much easier to just hibernate into my ME-zone than to make the effort to engage my wife in a conversastion that might get painful. When I choose to not be at home either physically or mentally then the problems cease to exist in my mind. I just pray that they really have gone elsewhere when I return to reality. They never go away. They grow bigger when I am ME-timing.

My wife knows me better than anyone. She is gracious about my faults and effusive about my few decent traits. Because she has the one-two combination of knowing my faults and a fierce love for me, only she has this magical way of helping me to grow into full manhood. This woman is the reason I want to stop acting like a boy.I can’t be a real man without her. That is if I will get out of the ME-zone long enough. When I insist on ME-time, I deny myself the benefit of my wife’s life giving advice and counsel.

Likewise ME-time robs my wife of the balance that only I can provide her. Just last night (late), her feelings got hurt by a family member’s email. I spent the next hour sitting next to her, defending her family and reminding my wife that they do love her and that the offending comment was made out of a wounded spirit, not out of criticism for her. We talked until I sensed that she was feeling some emotional balance about the whole thing. I had been up since 6:00am, had slept only a few hours because she had been sick all night, gone to work, brought dinner home for the kids, gone to night school, and got home at 10:15pm. I was ready for ME-time. She needed SHE-time more. (And I have full confidence that, once she is feeling better, she will be offering some personal ME-time, KWIM? She’s good that way.)

ME-time robs my kids of the dadly (new word?) influence they need to grow into proper adults. They need me to engage them about their interests and understand the concerns in their lives. When I am stuck in my world I cannot be into theirs. My children need to know that I love them more than I care for myself and my needs. Children need the unfettered interaction of the man called dad. Research shows that if they don’t get attention from the actual dad they will find some sort of substitute, and that substitute NEVER works out well for them. I would say that most of the realtionship problems in our society can be tracked back to a child’s unfulfilled need for their dad. I suspect ME-time is the guilty party.

Giving selflessly is a hallmark of manhood. Once we get married, and especially after the children start arriving, a man’s life means little about himself and much about others. Will you be the kind of man who would “die to self” for the sake of others?

Technorati Tags: Family, fatherhood, marriage, selfishness

How do you feel about commuting to and from work?

1. Total waste of time and fuel.
2. Drives me insane.
3. Rather have a boil lanced.
4. I tune out by listening to the radio.
5. I arrive home stressed out.
6. It takes me a while to decompress after driving so long.
7. I don’t mind.
8. Work at home- no issue here.

For all but those who work at home, it seems spending time on the road is our sorry lot in life. I have also noted that it is not unusual for the entire family ( dogs and goldfish included) to give wide berth until I have obviously “drive decompressed”. I am guilty of bringing home my stress from work and especially the road. I just don’t tolerate rude people very well and I tend to let it show in front of the family.

I am not bragging here: I am confessing. I sometimes struggle to walk in the door with a smile. There are days when I just need to vent a little to my wife (not at her, but as a sounding board). Occaisionally I insist on having my “me time” before “dad time”. I might even march straight to my room without hugging and kissing anyone.

We cannot afford to let anything sour our time with our families. The time together is just too precious and fleeting. Shame on me for ever allowing the pressures of the world to taint my family’s joy of being with Dad.

Men, the mood you exude when you walk through the front door determines the mood of the family for the rest of the evening. Even if this is old news to you, it bears repeating.  We have the power to change a rotten day into a memorable evening by choosing to do so. It cannot be dictated or declared, though. “Alright everyone: straighten up, talk nice to your mom, eat your peas, finish that homework, and let’s play some Twister!”.  Sure, that works . . . on another planet.

I have yet to dictate my way into a pleasant evening at home: How foolish to think that I can just declare our conflicts away. Sure everyone might do it my way just to avoid the Wrath of Dad, but does the Wrath of Dad really change the hearts of children (and the wife)? Obviously not.

I, though, can make a purposeful change that will trickle down to the rest of my loved ones at home and it starts at the commute. (And you were wondering when I might get back on point). Specifically, my right attitude begins when I leave for work in the morning. Instead of turning on the radio (even christian radio) I encourage you to turn that distraction off and tune in to your family. Pray for your wife in specific ways, not just that generic “Lord please bless my wife…” No, be sure ask her  ahead of time how you can be praying for her, and write it down on a sticky note which is in turn stuck to your dashboard. (Change the note at least weekly to avoid the common male problem of ignorance of the familiar).  Likewise, pray for each of your children during this time alone in the car. If they are old enough, ask them also for suggestions on how you might pray for them. If they can talk, they are old enough to ask for prayer suggestions. You will learn the most about them as a person and what is meaningful to them during this time.

Probably this time of praying for your family won’t last any longer than 5 or 10 minutes, then you can get on with listening to traffic or weather or whatever else interests you. 

You will also want to make the most of the homeward leg of your daily commute. (And I am assuming you have a cell phone).This is the time to call your wife and ask her how her day was. You should follow up on those prayer requests she gave you by letting her know which ones you are talking to the Lord about today. This would also be the time to ask if you can run any errands for her before you get home. Now would also be a great time to give her a compliment and to tell her how much you are looking forward to seeing her.

If the kids are at home, talk to each of them briefly. As with your wife, inquire sincerely about their day and let them know how you have prayed for them. Tell them that you love them and can’t wait to see them. If anyone has gotten into some kind of trouble that might require your discipline- don’t deal with it just yet- there will be time for that after you get home. 

A big, goofy smile is what your wife and kids need to see first thing you walk in the door. Next thing is to hug your wife and plant a sloppy kiss (brief semi-modest groping allowed). There is nothing wrong with kids seeing that dad really likes to hug mom. It instills confidence about your family’s stability to see appropriate intimacy between parents. And , of course, hug and kiss each child and say their names.

By investing your commute time wisely, several things have been accomplished:

1. You have gotten in a proper frame of mind to bless your family.
2. The focus of your life has moved away from the normal stresses of your day to getting prepared for enjoying your family.
3. Your loved ones have been reminded that they are indeed loved ones and not just accessories.
4. You are unleashing the mystery of the “Power of Dad”- Your God given ability to inject joy and security to your family.
5. You are giving your wife permission to dump most of her family-stress on your broad shoulders. This is right for you to do.

Choose to use your commute time wisely. Focus on those people that matter most. Forget the turds that drive too slow or cut you off. You might find that you tolerate your time behind the wheel a lot better. 

     “Wendy, I’m home.”        You won’t see Jack’s greeting replayed at a real man’s home.

And I will tell you something else: It is a good bet that your woman is turned on by a manly man who thinks of his family in the way I have described.

Technorati Tags: Family, fatherhood, husband, marriage, Stress