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Are you “doin’ that crazy hand jive”?

I am really not sure what possessed me to post about this, but sometimes you just gotta throw down and deal with the consequences . . .

Today’s topic is not about a dance move, if you haven’t picked up on the double entendre yet.

Masturbation:

That’s the crazy hand jive we are gonna discuss.

And I will be so totally Not Offended if you choose to read no further and come back tomorrow.

But if you are still with me, I hope we can push past our embarrassment and talk about something that will improve your marriage. I will confess that this discussion happened only recently in our marriage, and the positive results make me very sorry that we didn’t talk more openly from the very beginning. I was ashamed, so I didn’t feel compelled to initiate talk about this very delicate subject. Turns out that my shame, or embarrassment, was misplaced. She appreciated knowing more about my sexuality, to my great surprise. And she responded, errrr, copiously.

When our kids were little, we made sure that they had an age-appropriate understanding of marital intimacy. It was easy to tell them that “Mommies and Daddies like to hug and cuddle. And a really special part of being married is getting to live and sleep together. Sex is special cuddling that only mommies and daddies do.” This level of “birds and bees” talk was pretty easy, and the euphemisms were fun.

As the kids got older, the “talks” got more into the mechanics of how babies come about and the like. Often these conversations got started quite organically, like the time our little daughter walked into our bathroom when both mom and dad were undressed. “Mommy, why you not have tail like daddy?” was her entree into basic human plumbing 101.

Our oldest 2 kids are boys, so as they approached puberty the “talks” fell into the dad’s jurisdiction. Unfortunately, my parents never told me squat about getting hair down there, morning wood, blue balls, masturbation and the like. We just didn’t talk about sex, period. But I determined that I would do better by my boys, so I very nervously set about trying to create an atmosphere of free expression about sex no matter the topic. I can’t say that we have it down pat, but let me share a joke that our oldest boy told us at the dinner table just last night:

“Dad, have you heard on the news about those babies that are being born with eyelid deformities? Yea, it is really sad, but some doctor came up with a miracle surgery. Somehow he uses the foreskins of circumcised babies and fixes the deformity. The procedure is very effective, except that the babies end up a little cock-eyed.”  We all have a good laugh, even the 11 year old daughter. “Kate, what are laughing about: you don’t know anything about cocks”, says the joke-teller.

“Oh yes I do. I know it is that thing you hold on to inside your pants when you are watching TV. Duh.”

OK, so maybe this kind of dinner table talk is a little more raucous than most Christian families would tolerate, but this Christian man and his wife want to enable their kids to talk about difficult, even sexual subjects, with those who love them. Yes we have talked about masturbation, but not at the dinner table, at least not yet.

And if our little family can benefit from dinner table nasty talk, why can’t my manmail family also benefit from speaking openly about taboo subjects?

I would guess that the typical reader of manmail (and I would like to thank all 2.625 of you) is both married and male. “I am married now: Why would I want to talk about masturbation? That is something just single guys need to do.”

Because you didn’t stop doin’ the hand jive.

Maybe some of you did, but I doubt it. For sure, the early months of marital bliss fooled you into thinking that the days of self satisfaction were blessedly gone. But at some point most guys pick the habit back up.

(Did you notice that I said masturbation and Christianin the same paragraph earlier? Have you decided yet whether I am for it or agin it? Me neither. Keep reading.)

Lots of things might cause us to revert back to our old whacky ways, and they pretty much all involve some type of stress or stressful situation. Could be pregnancy. Or a really big fight.  Stress at work. Unresolved anger. Boredom. Feelings of inadequacy. The length of the list of potential precursors would cause your wife’s jaw to hit the floor, undoubtedly.

Here is how I talked to my boys about masturbation: I told them that is natural for them to want to explore and understand their sexuality, their manhood. A penis is a pretty curious appendage, if you think about it, and typically most guys like to figure out how things work. It is just natural to be inquisitive. You are going to figure how to work that thing and that an orgasm feels good. Sometimes it relieves that great pressure you can get in your balls. But masturbation is not usually your best choice. It is not necessarily wrong, but it is often the result of making unwise choices. Like looking at pornographic images. Like having too much ”alone” time with a girl and giving yourself blueballs. Like giving yourself the right to so much free time that your mind can’t help but wander to inappropriate places.

And so I say a similar thing to you married men: It isn’t necessarily wrong, but it is an accurate indicator that there is something amiss in your relationship with your wife. There is a reason that you are pleasuring yourself to avoid intimacy with your wife.  There is always a reason we choose to give a brief moment of orgasmic pleasure to ourselves instead of investing that same time into our intimacy with our wife.

And no, the Bible doesn’t have much to say about this subject. Some preachers will mention the “sin of Onan”, but that passage is completely not about masturbation. Way off base.

The Bible does indirectly discuss masturbation, in the context of denying love or affection to your spouse. It seems to indicate that if you can do it to yourself in such a way as to not cause your spouse to feel cheated or less loved (or icky about the whole thing), then I suppose you have the right to do it for yourself. Perhaps “concession” would be a word to apply to this activity: not the most noble of endeavors, but okay if both agree about it. But It would seem to me that your wife would need to be aware of and approving of this activity for it to have any chance of becoming edifying to your relationship. 

So, yes, there might good and legitimate reasons for a married man to masturbate. This situation could qualify: your wife is pregnant or seriously ill and has physical restrictions. She knows that you get grumpy after prolonged abstinence and encourages you care for yourself temporarily.  Or perhaps you two are physically apart because of work: a little phone sex (with each other) with a happy ending could be just the ticket. Maybe you are a guy who is (ahem) rather quick. She might appreciate the extra endurance that a handjob done in advance could give you. (’Course, she could do that job for you. Just saying.)

But I believe the vast majority of the time, we are doing it to avoid intimacy. Not good. Not good because masturbation doesn’t feed our soul. It just gets us off. But that good feeling is so fleeting: “Oh great, my balls feel better but I’m still frustrated, the stressful situation is still there. Back to reality now, except now that my ejaculation urge is satisfied, I feel even less motivated to try to connect with my wife. Maybe I will just beat off again tonight after she falls asleep.” Follow me?

Sorry for being blunt about this.

Another HUGE reason guys masturbate is because they are choosing to look at pornography. This is NEVER good or right, and I am so happy to see more man blogs taking this stance. They say it is addicting: I don’t know. I do know that looking at that stuff is like injecting nitrous oxide into your sex drive. Problem is that you are using images of other women to do it. Going through the process of initiation, arousal, and ejaculation is pretty much called having sex. And in this case it is with someone you haven’t even met or know. Ask your wife how she feels about this: Bet she says that sounds like adultery to her. It does to me , too. Next time you’ve got a porno mag in your left hand and your woody in the right: consider that masturbation is adultery.

Some men become habitual masturbators because they are convinced that their wife’s sex drive is so much different than their own. This may be true for you, but it is more likely true that you have not allowed yourself to meet her intimacy needs. Generally, when a wife’s need for emotional and spiritual connection are met she becomes much more turned on and responsive to her man’s sexual initiation. It is even likely that she will initiate sex more often with you when her tank is full. I am not saying that she will necessarily feel the same physical pressure you do to seek release, but a wife who’s emotional and spiritual tank is overflowing will most certainly be most receptive to her husband’s advances.

Who would have thought that the thing that frustrates many men: mismatched drives: is most likely perpetuated by the activity that he supposes will relieve his tension: masturbation? (And, yes, I know that there are a fair number of couples out there where the wife has a higher drive than the husband. I am guilty of generalization and stereotyping.)

You might even be doing it for righteous reasons, like believing that your sex drive is putting unfair pressure on your wife to perform. So you help yourself so that she doesn’t feel like you are some kind of maniac; what with wanting her every other day or more. Odds are good that she would choose to be intimate more often rather than picture you taking care of yourself in the bathroom. I will buy you a cup of coffee if this doesn’t prove to be true.

It seems to be accepted as gospel that the only thing on men’s minds is sex. You know; “every six seconds”, blah blah blah. WRONG-O. Sure an orgasm feels good. But the big secret is that men (real manly men anyway) crave intimacy just as much as our wives do. Problem is that we do stupid stuff that causes our wives to believe we prefer sexualness over intimacy. Like staring at other women’s breasts. Or going to Hooters for lunch with the guys. Or masturbating. Nothing like like a solo ejaculation to prove this point to her. She needs to become 100% certain she is the one and only locus of focus of your sexual attention. She needs to know that you prefer her even more than you love your own orgasms.

How about the guy that secretly masturbates while thinking of his wife doing all those things to/on/with/for him that she doesn’t do now? This is certainly better than gawking at porn, for sure. But is this guy just setting himself up for disappointment if she never becomes his Madonna? I think this kind of thinking has the great potential to cause a man to become bitter at her for his unspoken fantasies. Not that fantasies are necessarily wrong: He just needs to include her in the festivities if he intends to keep intimacy alive in their marriage. She married you with the hopes of being that special one person who could thrill you: Give her the chance and stop doin’ that crazy hand jive.

“I masturbate because it is less lonely than the duty sex she doles out.” Oh man, this one cuts close to the hearts of so many men. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge when a couple gets to this stage. If you find yourself feeling this way I strongly suggest talking to your wife about your feelings and seeking experienced counsel. You are close to the brink. That hand jive might be keeping you alive, but it is just a band-aid on a shark bite.

“Our schedules are just too crazy for us to get together for sex very often. I masturbate to take the edge off.” May I just state the obvious? YOU ARE TOO FREAKIN’ BUSY ! Now I am not talking about the periodic busy times that come up occasionally, like at the holidays. But in general, if you are so busy that palm time is all you can manage, then it is a good bet that your wife is not getting her emotional needs met either. Does this sound like a sustainable situation? I suggest making immediate corrections, even if it means giving up the time share in Cancun.

So we are nearly 2100 words into a taboo subject and you are still reading. Good Lord, you are patient.

Here is the crux of the matter: We can spin our wheels all day long debating the rightness or wrongness of the Big M and probably not sway anyone’s opinion. 

What is not up for debate is the fact that masturbation within a marriage is a measure of deeper issues within the two individuals.  I guess it just took me this long to say that if you are doin’ the hand jive very often at all, I would start looking introspectively at the reasons. Sorry for being so long worded.  

Men, we are doin’ that crazy hand jive as a response to stress and unmet expectations. It would be the manly thing to address these issues before they bust up your marriage, or at least rob the joy of marriage from you. Don’t you feel it is part of your duty to your kids to demonstrate and live out a happy and fulfilled marriage?

OK, so here is my challenge to you: talk to your wife about the hand jive. Tonight. Print off a copy of this post and show it to her: use it as a discussion starter. I threw it down- now you pick it up and run with it.

I guarantee that, if you haven’t had this talk already, this will be one of the most difficult and awkward talks you two have had to date. But, if your experience is half as good as mine your relationship and trust in one another will blossom because you initiated this conversation about such a touchy subject.

Let me know how it goes. And tell me how to get that little tune out of my head now.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: communication, marriage, sex

Persistence. Stick to-itiveness. Tenacity. Bulldog spirit. Stubbornness. Strong willed. Tenacity.

These qualities might help a person get ahead in their career and might even earn them some fame. But just how valuable are these qualities when my wife and I find ourselves fighting? Will she appreciate the fact that I am willing to fight to the death over the color of the new beadspread? I think not.

A manly man steels his mind to a commitment that he will be the first one to “give in” when in a disagreement with his wife. Every time. No matter who is right or wrong. This kind of stubbornness is becoming of a man. Dragging out a fight so long that one has to retreat to the couch for the night is not a manly way to handle disagreements.

Extreme Deathmatch :Home Makeover Edition  is certainly not a manly pursuit. Knowing how to give in first gracefully is a mark of maturity.

Don’t get me wrong- By saying “give in first” I am not guessing at anyone’s rightness or wrongness. I am saying that someone has to be first to say “I take responsibility for working this tiff out. I want to understand your point of view and see where I might be out of line.” I believe it falls upon the manly husband to be the first to call a truce and lay down his weapons. This just demonstrates good leadership on his part. And not that a wife can’t or shouldn’t want to be first to patch things up- I just know that conflict negotiation is one of the manly arts that softens the heart of a woman.

My wife has, in the past, confessed to saying hurtful things in the “heat of battle” just so she could get me madder. I was and am guilty of taking the bait sometimes and allowing things to escalate. But those times when I refuse to “go there”- she (after things cool down between us) has told me how much she respects me when I choose not to let her provoke me to fight. Her trust in me actually grows each time I give in first. Any more, it is a very rare time that we will actually get to the point of fighting about a disagreement.

A real man is free to look “wrong” if that is what it takes to set the relationship right. A real man knows that his first order of business, always, is to secure the marriage relationship first then later go about dealing with “he said-she said”.  One way to do this is to commit to give in first when the inevitable blow-up happens.

I really am just being practical here. By dropping my defenses early on, I lessen the chances that I will say something really stupid in the heat of the moment. You know those killer phrases that start out with “You always______________” or “You never_______________” or “I hate it when you_____________”. Why add the baggage of those type of statements to the remaining balance of our relationship?

Also, I am not saying that “giving in” means that you need to just absolve your wife of all responsibility for your conflict. Neither am I saying that it is a good idea to just make nice and capitulate entirely to her way of thinking. A manly man drops his defenses early in the fray in order to avoid collateral damage. A manly man has his priorities straight: and winning this battle is never of greater importance than the integrity of the union.

“Giving in” means giving up on your right to fight. It is prioritizing the health of your marriage over the satisfaction your pride feels when you force a win. I see my pride as the primary reason I choose to nurture a disagreement. I like to be right. Check out this passage out of the Bible (Proverbs 6:16-19):
16  These six things the Lord hates, indeed, seven are an abomination to Him:

17  A proud look (the spirit that makes one overestimate himself and underestimate others), a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,

18  A heart that manufactures wicked thoughts and plans, feet that are swift in running to evil,

19  A false witness who breathes out lies.

Notice the order of things here: I see murder, evil thought, slander, etc. But what stands out, to me anyway, is the fact that the list is topped by PRIDE. It looks to me like God hates the pride in my heart even more than He hates murder. Ouch. That hits close to home.

And it is exactly this pride of self righteousness that motivates me to want to win a fight. To beat her in the argument. To be willing to belittle her just so I can feel the rush of victory. To call upon past “forgiven” injustices if that will help me win.

But am I really winning when I come out on top of a disagreement? The only winner is my pride in this case.

This is why I advocate being the first to give in. It necessarily puts my pride in second position and places my wife and our relationship in first place. At this point the conflict surely still exists as it did before, but my sorry pride is set aside long enough for me to begin to hear her side. With my pride (and probably my anger, too) put in its place I am set free to see a proper perspective of the value of our relationship.

One simple way to give in first might be call a truce as soon as you sense anger or frustration. Admit to your wife what you are feeling. Tell her that you want to honor her even when we disagree. Ask for a 5 minute break from discussion and get alone to write her a brief love note. Tell her what you are doing and why. It is probably immaterial that you even share what you wrote in the note; the point is to rid your mind of the pride that encourages you to continue arguing and gain fresh perspective on the woman whom you love (and need).

Giving in first is really tough, especially when I feel like I have been righteously wronged. It is my pride that instructs me to want to “win” this fight despite the cost to our intimacy. A manly man, though, demonstrates that he values relationship more than winning.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: marriage

The raccoons were at it again night before last. See this post for more. Rummaging around the yard, picking fruit off the trees, snacking on dogfood, bathing in the swimming pool. Pooping on the patio. The usual raccoon stuff.

If they are gonna dine at my place, the least they could do would be to leave their turds on the grass alongside all the unscooped Labrador poops.

I pride myself on being able to sleep through most anything. Earthquakes. Baby cries. That sound one makes as they are sprinting to the toilet with food poisoning. Police helicopters overhead. My own gas. Raccoons banging on the patio slider.

Years of practice have fine-tuned my tune-out ability, which also includes knowing which sound(s) need immediate attention. Such is the panicky tone when my relatively reasonable spouse is awakened by large rodents. (I know raccoons are not rodents at all, but at 3:30am, staring through the window into the darkness: anything not a dog is a rodent). She inflects my name in such a way as to convey that her internal fear monster is about to irrationally pummel her husband to goo if he doesn’t DO SOMETHING. NOW.

Our usual routine is to get to bed somewhere around 11:00pm, and I typically get up at 5ish. Six hours sleep is not too bad for me. But the masked critters’ 3:30 visits are reducing my sleep time by an hour and a half. Not good. Especially not good if papa is cutting out nookie just so he can get the extra half hour (an hour on a good night;) ) of needed rest.

Time for action, if there is going to be time for action.

The next morning, after she got to sleep in, I asked the lovely and accommodating Postmistress to give the local animal shelter a call, just to see if they would come out and deal with the unwanted guests. I figured they would just come out and trap the critters and haul them away somewhere.

The first guy she talks to at the City says, “Yep they are a problem lately. Most of ‘em carry rabies, too. If I was you I would trap them and release them somewhere else. Sorry, but the City can’t come out to do anything for ya. We are way too understaffed to be dealing with wild animals. Good luck.”

Rodents with rabies! She is on the warpath now.

Next call is to the ASPCA. They would be happy to come out and haul off the bandidtos, except that we live within the City limits. Different story if we lived in the neighboring town or in the county. “Well what would you suggest we do?” my wife asks. “Euthanize ‘em. Trap them and kill them. Don’t just drop those guys off at the city limits and make them someone else’s problem.” Says the nice animal guy at the ASPCA. ” And once they figure out that there is food somewhere: good luck keeping them away. They will keep coming back.”

“Kill ‘em” seemed a bit extreme to my gentle wife, so she calls the local animal people back and gets a different person this time. Her advice was just as precious as the “Kill ‘em” guy’s was.  She was, shall we say delicately: earthy in her approach to uninvited masked guests.

“Leave those poor creatures alone! Don’t you know that you are living in their habitat?!” was the animal lady’s opening salvo.

My wife calmly replies, “Sure they are cute and all, but a raccoon ripped the face off of our friends’ small dog. I just don’t think I want to risk my dogs or children’s smooth complexion. Besides, they carry rabies and I saw what happened to Old Yeller “.

“Ma’am”. ” May I remind you that you are a guest in those raccoons’ environment?” You just need to learn to live with them. They won’t do you any harm if you will just stay out of their way. Try to remove those things that are attracting them to your yard.”

Well, that sounds reasonable, except for a few little details. “How about the pool parties they have most nights? Would it be best for them if we kept the jacuzzi heated, too?”

“Ma’am.” “You must cover your pool.” “It is as simple as that. Covering your pool will keep them away.”

“Riiiiiight . . . Mr. El Cheapo husband is going to invest several thousand dollars into raccoon-proofing our pool . . .”

“What about my vegetables and herbs? They seem to be attracted to those, too.”

“Ma’am.” “I SAID:” “Remove everything that might be drawing the raccoons into your yard and that includes fruits and vegetables. Make them inaccessible to the animals or remove them from your yard.”

“So I am to construct a mesh cage around most of the plants in my yard. How attractive to make my yard look like a prison. And that makes it so handy to pick my tomatoes as they ripen. Seriously, I can’t imagine that the expense of all this fencing could justify the savings of growing our own veggies. Does the animal shelter also sell Concertina wire?”

“Ma’am.” “Ma’am.” “You are not to do anything to relocate or harm those creatures or otherwise modify their behavior. If you will just take away any reason for them to visit your yard, eventually they will leave you alone.”

“You mentioned our fruit trees.”

“Ma’am.” “Of course you can’t have any fruit around your house. Many animals are drawn to ripening fruit. You must pick it all before it ripens. Then the raccoons won’t have reason to come near.”

“So let me get this straight . . . In order for me to deal naturally with this problem, I must: A) Keep our dogs locked inside:. B) Not let our kids play in the backyard: C) Buy an expensive pool cover:D) Enclose our edible plants in steel cages: E) Not allow our oranges, limes, avocados, peaches and blackberries to ripen into edible food. Is that what you are suggesting I do to keep this family of raccoons out of our yard?”

“Ma’am.” “This is no laughing matter.” “It is not as bad as you are trying to make it out to be. It is your responsibility to treat those innocent animals properly. You cannot trap them in cages. We will not accept wild animals here at the Shelter.”

“Does the Animal Shelter also rent out small bulldozers?”

“Ma’am.” “Of course we do not want you to destroy any plants! Just take the proper precautions and wild animals will not venture into your yard. It really is quite simple.” “Ma’am.”  ” And remember: the Animal Shelter does not accept wild animals. You must deal with this humanely.”

“Did I mention that the ASPCA guy said that we should euthanize them?”

“MA’AAAAAAAAAM.”  “You CANNOT DO such a thing!”  “Ma’am”. “If you will just do everything I have told you to do then the little raccoons will not bother you. They will have no reason to come into your yard. It really is very simple and there should be no reason to resort to harming them.”

“So your suggestion is to make them someone else’s problem, then.”

“Ma’am.” “That is not at all what I meant! These are natural creatures and we all need to remember that we are living within their environment. We need to work with them to modify their behavior so that we can all get along.”

“Soooo . . . Will you guarantee that, if we implement all the measures you suggested, we will never have raccoons in our yard?”

“Ma’am.” “Of course I cannot guarantee any such thing. These are wild animals we are talking about here. They are curious creatures, and it would be in their nature to want to explore everywhere that might have food. The backyards of humans is a likely place in their minds. Of course they will want to exercise their natural curiosity. Of course they will continue to forage for food.”

“Sounds to me like we just went in a big circle. You are telling me to expend great effort for a solution that, at best will transfer my problem to another family, and at worst not work at all.”

“I think I will tell my husband that you agree with the Kill ‘em guy over at the ASPCA. He will take care of it from there.”

“Ma’am.” “Aaaaarrrrgh.”  CLICK.

And the Shelter lady hung up.

Whew! Sorry it took me so long to get to my question. This was just tooooo juicy. And it really happened (basically) the way I recounted it.

So I am interested in YOUR opinion: How should I handle my little “situation”?

Do I go with the nuclear option or the earthy option? Or maybe there is a compromise?

I am interested to hear from you: I don’t care whether you have real experience with ‘coons or if you have never seen one before in your life. Just tell me what you think I should do to get my nights back.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: fun stuff, marriage, raising kids

Tomorrow is Friday! Finally! And the Friday before a 3 day weekend, to boot.

I think I will stop by the local Hallmark Store and pick up a card for no reason in particular. They have a section of cards that are only $.99. If I was a smart man, I would grab 5 bucks’ worth and hide the remaining 4 safely away in a drawer. Seriously, giving a card for no special reason practically guarantees a little world rockin’. I am going to write a little note in there, reminding her that she is more beautiful today than the day we married. I would marry her all over again, and I think I’ll tell her that, too. I am going to restate that I am the man I am because of the woman she is. I’ll just put it her underwear drawer before I leave for work.

And since I am thinking ahead to the weekend, I am thinking about planning something simple for us to do together, just the two of us. No kids for a few hours. We have a really cool Lifestyle Center (A huge outdoor shopping mall) nearby that usually has musicians playing in the courtyard and of course there is a coffee shop nearby. Hmmmm . . . a couple hours of strolling hand in hand, window shopping and chatting. Top it off with a coffee and scone, and we have had a nice get-together for under 8 bucks.

It seems we often have a little friction about how we spend our off-work time. I desire nothing more than to pour a tall glass of iced tea, flip up the footrest on the Barcolounger, and watch a little SciFi Channel. I have been away from home for a good portion of the week and just want to chill in the castle.

The Postmistress, on the other hand is a SAHM who also home schools 2 1/2 of our kids. (The 1/2 represents our 17 year old who takes mostly college courses at this point.) She has been in the house all week and longs to get out and see the world. For the sake of her mental well being I must get her away from home for at least a few hours.

This is why I am thinking ahead about the upcoming weekend. If I don’t plan something now, I will revert to my natural couch potato state without meeting her need to escape the home for a while with me. She knows what a procrastinator I am, and it really means a lot to her when I remember to plan something. Anything is good, and she doesn’t care if it costs anything at all. Even a walk through the neighborhood with the Labradors is a good get-out.

Hey man- what can you do for your wife this weekend to show her you love and honor her? A massage? Clean one room of the house to her standards? Dinner out? A love note? Arrange with a friend to keep the kids so that you two can be alone? Wash and vacuum her car? TIVO the Game and watch later so that you can focus on doing what she wants to do?

There are lots of things we can do to act considerately towards our wives, and most of them don’t involve much if any money. Impress her by planning ahead. Love her by putting her needs before yours.

Cheers! to a great weekend together!

Blessings

Technorati Tags: husband, marriage