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Before I launch into “I don’t mean what I thought I did” a preface is in order. I really try to write these posts to be an easy read in under 5 minutes but be forewarned: I am breaking my own 5 minute rule. Maybe I will turn this post into 2. We’ll see how it goes.

Added: Yes, I am splitting this post into 2. Sorry for the tease but please keep reading.

You likely have noticed that the old saw opposites attract applies to most marriages out there. It sure does in mine. You’ve surely seen couples like us walking together in the mall and wondered, “How did that goofball manage to land a fine catch like her?” I tend to be slow, plodding and cautious. My wife, on the other hand operates by the deep philosophy FIRE, READY, AIM. Although she is wonderfully organized, impetuosity is her middle name. I am introverted and contemplative. She makes lifelong friends in the bank teller line. I am quiet, she is quite NOT. You get the picture

Have you ever wondered why this is true? Why would I be so drawn to and smitten by another human who could also rub me the wrong way because of our differences? Besides the fact that marrying someone like myself would be quite dull. My wife and I were counseled (by a pastor who was interpreting a Meyers-Briggs test or some such tripe) to reconsider marrying one another. He saw we were too alike in the stubbornness category and far too different in the “likes” category. He forecast, for instance, that my plans for a 2-week backpacking trip would conflict with her desire to spend those same 2 weeks vacationing in a full service resort somewhere fancy schmancy. Our off-the-chart stubbornness index would, he reasoned, kick in and lead to unresolvable conflict. He predicted we would have a rough go of it. And he was partly right and mostly wrong. Our differences cause us to learn to give in to one another, but our stubbornness always carries us through the hard times. One of us always stubbornly chooses to gracefully wait out the other when times get tough between us.

Of course, successful marriages must be built upon shared common values. I can’t imagine a successful marriage where one spouse is devoted to the Bible and the other is equally devoted to the Koran. In this arena, being opposite makes the chances of long term success unlikely for that couple.

It is BY DESIGN that we require an opposite, or as I prefer to say COMPLEMENTARY, spouse. Not complimentary, as in “My don’t you look pretty today”. That kind is important, too, but not the subject today. The kind of complementary I want to look at now is the kind where two halves make a whole. Yin and Yang, if that mental picture of two amoebas chasing each other’s tails within a circle helps you to visualize this concept.

Think of complementary as being air inside of a rubber tire. By itself, the air is pretty useful for breathing and other things, but not of much use for the transport of heavy loads. The tire, when not under a load can support its own weight but not much else. You’ve seen how quickly a tire is shredded when it loses air pressure while being driven. But put the two together- fill a rubber tire with the right amount of air and you get a really useful pair. Much more useful than they were by themselves, but needful of each other’s inherent qualities to get done the job of moving heavy loads quickly and smoothly over bumpy roads. If that tire were solid rubber, it would jar and shake the occupants of the vehicle mercilessly, and probably crack itself to bits in no time, due to the poor conditions of our roads and its inflexibility. But fill a tire with air . . . and you get a smooth ride. The air inside allows the tough tire to flex a little every time it drops into a pothole, preventing damage to the tire itself and aiding the passengers in a safe journey.

I mentioned that complementariness (I know; long cumbersome word. If it is even a word. I’ll try not to use it too often) is by design. I believe there is a designer of all things, including marriage. If we would pay attention to how He designed marriage, most of us would fare much better. Here is where the Bible informs me, and I hope you’ll stick around for a little Sunday School lesson about Adam and Eve. I bet it won’t be anything like your Sunday School teacher of years past taught you. Odds are that your pastor isn’t teaching this either.

And if you are a person who is not so positive on the value of the Bible, well, just please try to look past the scripture references and focus on the truth behind it all. Because, the truth is, TRUTH IS. You don’t have to be a christian for the biblical principals of marriage to work for you. I know this statement will irk many christians. Sorry. Following biblical principals for marriage works for everyone.

Before we get to Adam and Eve and his missing rib, let’s tell a little backstory. The process of God creating something from nothing is the start of the story for us. The first 2 chapters of Genesis provides for us the abbreviated Readers Digest Cliff Notes version of how nothing became the something that we recognize as our universe and the laws that maintain its cohesiveness. I guess we don’t need to know the mechanics of the creation process, but buried in these chapters is some important information about men and women.

Notice how, after God creates each new aspect of the universe, He declares it “good”. Then in Genesis 2:18, we see a “not good”. See it there? It was not good that the man should be alone. I wonder why.

Could it be that it was not good because Adam didn’t have anyone to procreate with? Like, after creating all of the plants and animals to reproduce after their own kind God slipped up and forgot to set up a reproduction system for humans? Come on. Let’s not think like children for a moment, shall we? Something bigger is going on here.

Man was created in the image of God: a self-sufficient being (yes I have ignored the God part of the equation). I can only guess at the reason why God didn’t create humans male and female like he did for the animals, but He didn’t. I don’t think woman was an afterthought to man, though. The order and fashion of Eve’s creation is a very important foundation to how we understand marriage. He did what He did is the order He did it in for a reason, and deciphering that reason clears up a lot of questions for me.

God looked at the newly created man Adam and said “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him to complete him.” Italics added by me because that last phrase was added by me. But it really gets to the point in my opinion. The woman Eve was created to complete/complement Adam. To rule creation with him. Not to serve him. Not just to be his sex buddy. She was created to be an essential, non-disposable part of Adam. Adam needed Eve Like the top half of my body needs the bottom half. She wasn’t created as an add-on feature, but as an essential component of Adam himself. Like the tire needs air.

Here is the part that should be familiar to many. The part where your Sunday School teacher told you that God took a rib from Adam and made a woman and Adam fell in love with her. She might have said that God saw how lonely Adam was and how he had so much work to do by himself. How tidy.

And as you grew older and were able to sit in “big church”, I bet the wise pastor gave you the “real story” and preached that Eve was created from Adam’s side to be equal with him. Not from his feet to be trod upon and not from Adam’s head to boss him around. That is an okay message, too. Safe. Often the pastor will go on about the man being the head of the woman and how he should not take advantage of that power and treat her as his equal. And also mention that she is to remember to be subject to her husband since she was created second. Second Fiddle. Benevolent dictator. This part of the message is not so okay, and you will see why here directly.

So, back to the actual Bible. It says that God put Adam to sleep and took a chunk out of him and fashioned that piece of Adam into Eve. Forget the business of just taking a little rib out. This was major surgery. And here is where it gets interesting: Adam was redistributed.

The formerly complete man Adam was redistributed into two entities. Adam was now missing key components of his old self, but fortunately they were not too far away. Eve also was not complete without Adam at her side. Both humans were able to function on their own, but not to their full or best potential. Just like the tire and air. Adam and Eve became a complete unit, needful of what each had to offer.

If the idea that Adam was redistributed into 2 persons is a little hard to swallow, just consider that man was created in God’s image: God said let US create man in our image. Without making this a novella about the persons of God, just consider that He thought it best that Adam and Eve be complementary. The two halves of a whole. Better together.

Earlier I mentioned the order or sequence of creation. God didn’t create male and female humans like he created other male and female creatures, if you noticed. Elephants, sharks, dogs, and the rest were created by the pair. But Eve was not to be understood as a companion to Adam, or for that matter merely a helpmeet. Human men and women weren’t co-created. Woman came from man, and I bet Adam sensed in his spirit and flesh that his “Eve part” was missing after the operation. When the first couple first locked eyes, there was likely a sense between them of “Hey, I know you!”. Eve wasn’t just another person, she was a necessary part of Adam. She really was a part of Adam.

Which brings us to our marriages. I won’t presume to speak for or about your marriage, so if I may, I will use mine as the test subject. Today I need this woman like I need air. It wasn’t always so, though. Actually, I did always need her like air but I didn’t see the value in needing her like that. I was raised to be independent. Mom taught me to cook and clean for myself. I could even mend my own clothes and sew if I had to. I knew the value of hard work and how to pinch a penny. I felt complete as I stepped into marriage. I felt like I would be a fairly low maintenance guy, and I supposed that we would still have our own individual lives along with the fringe benefits of matrimony.

Why did no one ever tell me that I was marrying my other half? Notice I did not say better half. While that is very true, the profound point here is that it took me years (Probably about 15) to realize that Kim is my other half . . . my Eve. I am incomplete without her. I need my wife to make me a whole man. All along I thought I was a whole man, but then I met my other half. For the first 15 or so years she was just a companion, and a great one at that. But I failed to see the way she could complete me. I suppose I was too proud to admit that I actually needed someone else.

At this point I was going to recount all the ways that she makes my life richer, but realized how misplaced that would be. I started to list out all the ways that her influence enriches our home, ministry, work and play time. Then I deleted them all. I realized that might not be helpful since we are a unique person, and comparing this unique married person to another is about as beneficial as comparing siblings. I am the man God intends me to be with her. I am not fully myself without her at my side. We perfectly balance each other out. But other couples balance each other differently since each spouse brings their own uniqueness to the table.

When I consider that I am not a whole without my complement, I am forced to reconsider what marriage really is. It is not two people coming together to cohabit and make a home together. Complementary union is not a man ruling over his woman, with the woman willingly (HA!) allowing herself to be dominated. Neither is it a 50-50 proposition, with each spouse agreeing that they will take turns making decisions and leading.

As I see it, marriage of complementary individuals requires a reboot of the mind.

We tend to think we are all grown up when we are finally able to marry. After all, we have spent at least 18 years of training with our parents, maybe 4 or more years being trained in college and whatever other kind of life training has been thrown your way. We get married and feel “Big” finally. On our own. Mature.

But guess what? When we say “I do”, we are really agreeing to start our growing up process all over again. We are learning how to cleave with another individual to form us. Just like Adam and Eve. In a sense marriage is a miniature family reunion. Two individuals who have invested 21 or so years into becoming themselves suddenly meet up with the missing part of themselves they always knew they wanted to find and live with. And just like the growing up process has some fun times, it also has some painful lessons to be learned, too.

The difference with marriage is that we somehow got the notion we could divorce ourself if the painful lessons got to bad. The thought probably never occurred to yourself as you were growing up: did it? What sane person would conceive of such an idea? Growing up, we don’t consider divorcing ourself as an option: we learn from hard lessons and adjust accordingly. And the process matures us.

This notion of a complementary, “new person” marriage relationship where each person completes the other might seem far fetched. And as I said, it requires a reboot of the mind. It means that I must consider my new life with my wife as an entirely new process of growing up. We will be teaching each other lessons and learning life lessons together. If my mind is set on the fact that I am only complete with her, then all of these life lessons take on new meaning. We patch up each other’s weak spots and add temper to the strong suits. In areas where one lacks, the other stands in the gap. We each lift the other to newer and higher heights, because that is what I would do for myself.

I hope, by this point, you have begun to grasp upon where I come from. I see marriage as a redistribution of one person among two beings. Seems like a funny way to look at it, I know. But I see it this way because I see it is how we were designed. I know that I have left out a ton of other Bible verses about marriage, and that is on purpose. I see complementariness as the starting place for us to understand how to have a happy marriage (and sex life). Those other verses will make a lot more sense when we get this foundation established first.

Sorry if the title of this post indicated that the subject would be about sex. I fully intended to get there, but ran long on words. Though under the surface it really is about sex, because we need this foundation of complementariness to begin to talk about our sexuality.

In a few more days I will have completed the next post about married sexuality, and hopefully answered the question “Why does he think about it all the time?”.

Until then, Blessings

Technorati Tags: bible, marriage, sex

The Jesus face happened again last Friday night.

My wife and I were guests at a friend’s home to celebrate a birthday and one of the invited families, whom we had not yet met, was late due to traffic. About an hour into the evening, they arrived with their 3 year old boy in tow. In the lead, actually, as he burst through the door first and locked eyes with my wife. She smiled. He smiled. They moved to meet each other as if they were long lost family. He held out his arms to be held tightly. A permanent bond was formed, no doubt.

“What is his name? Obviously you two have met before” I stated after he squirmed down once he realized there were fizzy drinks to be spilled had. “I have never seen him before. Isn’t he cuuuuute? Shouldn’t we just have another one like him? Ask his dad what his name is.” She replied coyly.

This kind of thing happens all the time. Jesus face is very likely to strike while doing something as mundane as Costco shopping. I will be minding my own business, pulling and pushing laden carts along when someone will invariably approach my wife and asks her where to find something or “How does this top match my eyes?” or just strike up a conversation about anything at all. A friendship is born. They easily carry on, looking to the world as if they were old pals. Usually, they will hug farewell and the new friend will say something like, “I feel SO MUCH better now that we have met. Thanks for talking with me.”

The Jesus face phenomena used to irritate me, and it still bugs my teenage boys somewhat. I guess because I am task oriented, I tend to get into my own world with the goal of getting in and out of the store as quickly as possible. She, on the other hand, is in everyone else’s world. I see her reading people, looking them in the eyes, smiling toward them. Her body language says “HELLO! I am safe and want to be your friend now!” Truth: More than once, store employees have approached my wife to ask her questions about their own store. She exudes peace, confidence and authority.

This past Spring all six of the Postmaster family were skiing at Mammoth Mountain in central California. Mom was staying on the easier runs with the two younger kids and the teenage boys tried to kill their dad on the runs marked with multiple diamonds. While us guys were trying to conquer as many runs as possible one one side of the mountain, my wife was on the other side trying to make as many friends as possible. Even under all those layers of clothes and even through the face mask Jesus face happened. At lunchtime, after hearing of our downhill bravery she waits to tell us about the friends she made while waiting in line or riding up the lift. She learned intimate details of the lives of a couple of women in the brief moments they spent together. No doubt she spread words of encouragement all over the resort. One of her new friends even lives in our city. I grunted to one guy about how nice the weather is today.

While waiting in line at a sporting event, a large group of football player size guys were getting a bit rowdy and using more and more foul language. The F-word and using the Lord’s name in vain really irk her and these young men were rehearsing all their naughty words for all to hear. (She tells this story quite matter-of-factly). Not wanting the kids to hear this kind of talk, she decides to ask the oversize boys to quit that kind of talk. I would have gotten pulverized, had I the guts to try this. So she walks over to the group, looks up and smiles. Asks them to quit using such language around the little kids. That’s it: she just asks and flashes Jesus-face. They become quite apologetic and even appreciative that she said something to them. “Thank you ma’am. We are so sorry to have offended you.” Issue resolved and no feelings were hurt. No trouble at all for Jesus face.

The Jesus face has nothing to do with her physical beauty. I of course think she is the prettiest girl in the schoolyard, but I know that is not what the Jesus face is all about. And the fact that she doesn’t even know what the Jesus face is all about or even when it is happening is one of her most endearing qualities. Somehow she conveys to everyone she meets genuine caring, selflessness, openness, and a willingness to be real. How anyone could say all that with a simple look in the eyes is a mystery to me but I see it happen all the time. And I am envious of her.

And I never see her practice the look in the mirror. She never sets aside quiet time to try to improve her look. The Jesus face cannot be improved by working at it, in fact the opposite is true. The harder one works to appear Christlike, the more like themselves they become. No doubt you have seen telepreachers that try so sincerely to look pious that they become mockeries of their own efforts. How does one try to become like another without looking silly in the process? Think Michael Jackson.

Lest I step off a theological cliff at this point, let me just say this: Jesus face is not a self-motivated event. It just happens because she allows Someone greater than herself to take up permanent residence in her very own life. The privilege of wearing Him on one’s face is not earned by performing great and selfless deeds nor is it wages for a life of austerity. Being the perfect mom or wife has nothing to do with things like this. Flashing the Jesus face is the only possible reaction to allowing the creator of the universe to reside within one’s self. Seven layers of skin could hide who lives inside?

So what is my point in writing today? Not to brag. Not to say “Do this and you will be happy”. Not to try and convince you to believe any particular way. I suppose I devote this post to a woman who has realized that her joy in life comes not from her inherent goodness or in trying to become a better person or in being religious, for that matter. She know her value as one of God’s children and it has changed her life, moving her from self-focused to other-focused. Her joy reverberates into all who come close, as I imagine it did for all those who by chance met Jesus in the marketplace while He walked on earth. I picture those ancient people, shopping in the open air market, perhaps glancing into His eyes and receiving a sincere Jesus face smile in return. I imagine He was in no hurry to get home for supper, but rather was pleased to just visit with a stranger for a while. I am sure that the children all wanted to be hugged by him.

You know, I see lots of people, especially kids, wearing those WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) bracelets on their arms these days. And that is nice. It is nice to imagine what Jesus would do in any given situation and try to act like how I would guess the creator of the known universe would handle my little issue. Nice, but not life-changing. The real life-changing question is simply WHI (Who He Is). Not How Would Jesus Want Me To Behave? or How Can I Imitate Jesus? To adopt WHI as one’s life motto is to give Him permission to mold your heart into a shape that pleases him. My wife knows Who He Is and it shows. WHI informs who she is.

My wife is still the spunky, funny, fun, loudmouth, card cheating, organized, passionate, great Italian cook, christian person she was when we married two decades ago. But there is also that Jesus face. It shows up more and more regularly. Her family sees it the most, though I doubt the kids really understand nor appreciate it. We have a living mystery in our home. I stand in awe of a woman who would step away from herself and let Him live in her.

We are so blessed.

Technorati Tags: God's goodness, marriage

I love seeing all of the Dad and Husband blogs out there. The Moms have had the corner on this market for quite a while and it is refreshing to see so many men finally talking to each other about man stuff. Any manly related subject is just a fingerclick away, and if you can’t find what you are looking for there is probably a forum somewhere that can steer you right. No subject goes blogless.

Except one.

Have YOU noticed the elephant in the room?

I must admit I am the new guy on the blog (get it…blog-block?), so I can’t claim omniscience here, but I scan the tag clouds and do subject searches, too. Maybe I just don’t know the super secret man handshake to unlock the door to the goodies.

Maybe you guys are just scared to talk about it: Which is rather funny because we think about it ALL THE TIME. Before you got married you talked about it ALL THE TIME, didn’t you? Admit it- you prayed that, from your honeymoon forward, you two would be doing it ALL THE TIME. How’s it working out for you?

How come us married guys can’t discuss sex?

On one hand I am overjoyed to see a little decorum among our gender considering how porn-saturated we are. Nothing like taking the beautiful intimate bond between a man and woman and reducing it to some sort of carnival side show. We don’t need to talk about that kind of sexual expression. It is just bad for us, plain and simple. If we (collectively) just ignored it, it would go away. <End rant>

On the other hand, most men are fairly disappointed with their sex life. I won’t bore you with the backup statistics; just ask your buddies their opinion. My wife and I talk to enough young married couples to say this with confidence. Especially after the children start arriving. Can anyone say dry spell? And don’t misunderstand- there are plenty of wives out there who are feeling short changed in this department, too. But this is manmail. MANmail. The gals have their own place to kvetch.

I will occasionally poke my head into some of the men’s forums and see that a few of the brave ones are asking questions like :”We haven’t done it since her fifth month of pregnancy and now the baby is in school… how do I get our groove back?” OR ” My wife says to just take care of myself, ’cause she’s too tired… what gives?” OR “Junior is getting more ta-ta time than I ever did … and I’m jealous. When do I get ‘em back?“. And usually the responses go something like, ” Dude, I’m having the same problem. Let me know if you figure anything out. I hear we are supposed to talk nice and do the dishes.”

So what’s a husband to do if he feels his wife is uninterested in intimacy? How do we deal with not getting enough sex? This is a very common complaint of parents with young children. You are certainly not alone. And if you spread out having kids over many years, the lack of intimacy over time can crush your spirit.

Let me put a disclaimer out there first. I am not a psychologist or therapist and have not written any books. I haven’t even read many about the subject. I work in the construction industry. I write only from personal experience, and my only hope in writing about this sensitive subject is to offer someone the tools to avoid some of the traps the wife and I fell into. Also, you will note my christian worldview. But I bet most of you will be surprised how practical the bible is. I refer to it as authority, but I promise not to use it as a club. If we are on different pages spiritually, fine. I don’t mind if you tune out the specific scripture references, but I do hope you will grasp the underlying wisdom. <End disclaimer>

NO WAY can we hope to cover this subject in one blog post. So let’s start off real slow with a little survey . . . Put the kids to bed early and allow at least 90 minutes to write down your answers and discuss them. Print off 2 copies of the survey, by the way.

IMPORTANT: Only those questions that are answered in writing may be discussed. This prevents one spouse from changing or modifying their responses to accommodate the other. The goal is honest and uncomplicated discussion. Do not discuss what you haven’t first written down.

Next installment of ummmm Sex? part 2 :”I don’t mean what I thought I did.”

INTIMACY SURVEY

1– List three things that I do that bothers you the most (such as leaving the toothpaste uncapped)?

8– Is there a place we’ve never been to or a place where we have never been intimate that you would like to share with me?

9– If I could give you anything in this world and money was no object what would it be other than me (because you already have me)?

10– If you could give me anything in this world and money was no object what would it be other than yourself (because I already have you)?

11– If we could take a vacation to any place on this earth and again money was no object where would it be and why?

Blessings

Technorati Tags: communication, marriage, sex, survey

Here is an idea for you last-minute Mother’s Day shoppers. Give her a bottle of coconut oil.

I know, I am hopelessly romantic. “Aw gee, honey, you shouldn’t have . . . an economy size jug of glass cleaner.” “Look kids, daddy got mommy vacuum cleaner bags this year. Doesn’t mommy loooooove daddy for such creativity?”

Let me just tell you that this stuff is HOT. If used outside the kitchen.

Oh yeah, I am gonna tell you how to cook with this stuff even if you can’t boil water. You are gonna apply the coconut oil directly to HER BODY. With your hands. Oh yeah.

First off- what to buy. At your local natural foods store (I got ours at Henry’s) you can find Virgin Expeller Pressed Coconut Oil. I think the World of Wally might have something similar, too. I won’t take your time to describe the process of expeller pressing, except to say that I think it cuts down ALOT on the natural odor of the oil. The bottle is about the size of a bottle of canned peaches and cost about 9 bucks. It will last a really long time.

What to do with it: You are going to give your wife a full body massage. For at least an hour. C’mon stud, you can stand to have your hands all over for an hour can’t you? She is going to get a relaxing massage from toes to head.

A word of warning: This is for her. DO NOT expect a “happy ending” for yourself. I know that so much fleshly contact becomes hard for us guys after awhile, but you must prepare yourself ahead of time to not hope for conjugal contact. In fact, if you do this real well there is a good chance she will fall asleep. On the other hand, while I prepare you for no nookie, truth is that she probably will get really turned on so be ready to go with that flow, too.

Set the stage: Candles, flower petals in the bath water, a sloppy card . . . I dunno what works for you guys. But for Pete’s sake don’t just say “Wanna backrub?”. Set the scene. Ask her into your massage parlor. Draw a nice bath (after cleaning the tub first. Come to think of it, my wife gets turned on when I just think to clean the tub). Use mood lighting. For sure, get the room temperature so it is comfortable for her to stay unclothed without getting chilled. Wear something that is lightweight and comfortable for you (and sexy for her): You will likely break a sweat if you are doing this right. Music is nice. Pick up your nasty underwear from the bedside. Make sure the room is clean. Clutter-free leads to stress-free.

The massage table: Will probably be your bed. If she is most comfortable on the floor, go there. Lay down a couple of beach towels in case you get a little of the coconut oil where you shouldn’t. Just make sure that wherever you put her, you have comfortable access to all of her. You don’t want to aggravate your back by getting yourself all contorted.

Get started: Get her unclothed and laying facedown on the table. Start with her feet (This is why we began with a bath . . .). Now, the coconut oil is a funny substance. It is semi-solid when room temperature is below 72 degrees, but it becomes liquid above that. Also, a little goes a long way. One of the beauties of coconut oil is that it seems to stay slippery for a long time.

Another thing- Once you get started you must maintain physical contact with her at all times. No potty breaks for you. Always have at least one hand on her. I don’t know the shrinkology to back this up, but trust me. This means that you must prepare everything in advance and have it ready at your fingertips. Think through this before you start.

Work a little into your hands then get going with her toes. Take your time now, she is loving getting attention to her tootsies. After several minutes of this, work your way to her heels. Probably a firmer pressure is going to feel best. Do not tickle her. Do you hear me? NO TICKLING. This is a buzzkill. If done well, this massage experience will actually grow some confidence between you two-or you can tickle her and ruin it for her.

When you get to the calves of her legs you will likely have to concentrate on one leg at a time. Reapply oil as needed- but just enough to keep things slightly slick. Too much oil will likely feel icky to her. Press firmly and work towards her head. You can try varying pressure and maybe even dragging your fingertips or nails over her skin. Just stay real tuned in to her reactions. Ask her if whatever you are doing is feeling okay occasionally. You might even be able to get into a position that allows you to press her foot against your chest, allowing you to massage the front of her legs.

Now as you get to her thighs keep working the deep tissue massage. To get the inside of her thighs you will need to open her legs a bit. This is a great time to remind her that even if you touch her there accidentally, it is just a part of the full body experience. Don’t sexualize this. Don’t forget to work the outside of her legs, also.

By now, 10 or 15 minutes should have passed. Have a sip of the water you thought to set close by, but don’t stop rubbing with the other hand.

The Hiney- Work it good. Very firm pressure is good. These are large, strong muscles that can take a squeezing. Don’t forget to keep up a dialog about how beautiful she is and how much you are enjoying this. Work down the crack a bit, but do not cross her personal boundaries. If you aren’t sure if she would like you to touch her in this sensitive area, then I would say don’t go there. On the other hand, she just took a bath and everything is clean . . . Just pay attention to her body language is all I’m saying. She probably won’t feel too experimental this go-around, but if you do this full body massage right- well, there is always next time.

Work your way slowly up the back, paying lots of attention to her lower back and moving often back to her butt. Many women experience lower back pain and this attention to the small of her back will work wonders for her. Lots of tension is stored in the back, from the shoulders to the glutes. A good back massage can literally release stress from her life.

You can alternate between light and firm pressure, but don’t be schitzo about it. Do firm strokes over and over long enough to establish a rhythm, then switch to a light touch. Straddle her now, if you need to (just keep you pants on, please). Use your hands to make circles on her skin, pushing the tension from the spine out towards her sides. Don’t do the karate chop thing here, unless she specifically requests it.

Ask her how she is doing. You should keep up a bit of conversation during the massage, just to help you keep verbally connected. But don’t make small-talk. All conversation should be geared toward her. Allow for many quiet times so that she can stay in the moment.

By the time you get to her shoulders, about 40 minutes should have elapsed. Work the tension out of her shoulders for five minutes or so, always keeping just a thin film of coconut oil on her skin.

Now, as you get to her head, you will need to get most of the coconut oil off of your hands because you are going to spend about 10 minutes massaging her scalp. Again, vary light fingertip pressure with firmer massaging. Work around to her forehead, avoiding getting the oil on her face.

As you can see, you are nearly an hour into this and you have not even gotten to the front side. I know, I know- this is where the goodies are. Unfortunately, she probably doesn’t store any stress in her breasts. Not to say that your massage can’t continue on to the front . . . Ask her if she would like to turn over and get some front side massage. Go for it as long as she wants.

The wrap-up: You have given her a petty inexpensive gift that she will remember for a long time, and will hopefully ask for again. Thank her for allowing you to spend so much time touching her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Give her a clean towel to wipe off any excess coconut oil, or lead her to the shower. If the massage ended with an offer of conjugation, by all means: go for it! But please, (and I know by this time you will very excited and might become, shall we say: quick) remember this is FOR HER. Make sure she gets a happy ending before you do.

A couple of words about coconut oil: For most people it doesn’t irritate those sensitive tissues, In fact it can be a great, inexpensive substitute for K-Y or other lubricants. Don’t assume, though. Try it out slowly before you go all-in.

Coconut oil should be non-staining of your sheets. But lay down towels just in case.

The very subtle aroma is quite nice.

It is inexpensive.

It is a great moisturizer.

It is condom-safe.

It tastes pretty good. ‘Nuff said here?

Blessings

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