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Yesterday I gave a little tease towards today’s post. Sorry ’bout that. Promise, no bait and switch today.

I do need to tell you that I have been working on this post for 3 weeks off and on. Deleted it many times. Completely reworked things. Had cute videos to go with it (Fave was Sparks’  “All you ever think about is sex” from the early 80’s) but decided to abandon that idea, too. Let’s see if I can make something stick this time.

It is so easy to write about things that are going on in my life on the periphery. Those things that are fun or interesting, but non-essential: like getting humbled in Starbucks or battling raccoons.

And writing about stuff that happened as the kids were growing up is easy and safe.

And I am all over watching someone else crash and burn, then writing about that. Like here.

But this is fresh out of my -our- recent collective soul. We are still working through some of the loose end details, but overall I would say (and the Postmistress agrees) that our marriage has gone from “pretty good, I think” to “Outstanding”. It was “pretty good, I think” in most every area except our physical intimacy. In fairness, she thought that was okay, too. We were so not on the same page. We weren’t even in the same library. 

Unfortunately, I had to perform a domestic nuclear meltdown before things got better. Not that I meant to, mind you. The bottle of pent-up feelings just broke one day. Exploded really. All over my wife. It was really messy and we still occasionally discover little gobs of brain goo here and there.

The cause of my little brain vacation?

Duty sex. 

Or pity sex, if you will.

Same difference: it is worse than no sex at all, I finally decided. I didn’t realize what it was doing to erode my spirit. And she didn’t understand that I had perceived  for many years that most of our intimacy was just pity sex. Perceptions are rarely reality, but until dispelled they are.

My perception was that the only reason I got any at all was to keep me from having an affair and because the Bible says a good wife should “do that” every once in a while.

The recurring thought of “I am aware that you are planning out your schedule for tomorrow and also making a grocery list while you wait for me to come” during our lovemaking was thrill-kill for me.

It got to the point where I would never initiate sex. Never. For freaking years.

Don’t get the wrong impression- she has never refused sex. I just got tired of feeling like it was her job to make sure I got off several times a month. I was not interested in being the last item on her “to do” list any longer. I was willing to wait for her to initiate because it was safest for me. I was willing to wait until she wanted me.

Remember these are my perceptions that became reality to me because I wasn’t able to talk through my feelings. I found out that my perceptions were not reality at all. Just had to burst to figure it out.

The tipping point came a few months before the official meltdown when I went on Blood Pressure meds. I am not too high, but the doc just wanted me to see if we could exercise a little more and take some pills to put it well into the good range. A side effect of some BP meds is Erectile Dysfunction.

Yep. Happened to me.

And I rejoiced. I told my wife that this might be the answer to my prayers. (Huh?) If my libido would just go away with the erections, then life would be great I told her. I asked her to pray for that. Seriously- I wanted her to ask God for what I had been praying about for years: that I would stop wanting sex. It seemed to be a most merciful answer.

She said I was nuts and that I should see a psychologist about that. I’m thinking, “Why pay a shrink when you could solve my problem real easy by showing some enthusiasm in the bed. You might even start to like it if you would give it a chance.”

Remember- these are my perceptions. Reality is/was very different.

She had no idea that I was masturbating to simply stay sane.

From our early years I got used to sex being far too infrequent. It was not anyone’s fault, really. Just that life can make us crazy busy, and I came to accept that I would remain perpetually unfulfilled. We made the decision that she would stay home to raise our kids, which meant that I worked lots of overtime and many second jobs, with the occasional third parttime job thrown in. Our schedules barely overlapped, and the seldom times we were together usually included a baby next to us in the bed or a toddler eating breakfast in his highchair. We also had a steady stream of babies, which didn’t increase our opportunities for physical intimacy. I guess we did find the time to make ‘em, so it couldn’t have been so bad. Perceptions again.

I felt guilty that I was horny every day because I could see that she was just too overloaded with kids to meet my needs. A man should be able to see that his kids would take first priority, I reasoned. So I bottled up my feelings about my need for intimacy. (Notice I said intimacy: not sex). I quit asking for something I thought was a selfish need. “Besides”, Ifigured, “we will get back in the saddle more often once all the kids are into grade school and not so needy of mommy.” I could wait it out.

That time came and went with little change in our intimacy. “Waiting it out” wasn’t the solution I had hoped for. I was still in the habit of never asking for sex. My confidence was so shot that I couldn’t bear the thought that she might not desire sex with me anymore, or that I was incapable of turning her on, now that we had some time to actually do it. If we remembered how. I still had the perception that she was just doin’ me out of duty- to keep me around. I was still the last item on her list for the day.

Perception.

About this time, I told the doctor about the bit of ED the pills were causing and he switched up the prescription. Problem solved. Well, one problem solved. That was the easy one.

The prayers for reduced libido went unanswered.

And I still needed a kind of intimacy that we had not developed as a couple. I thought I needed more sex, but in reality I was starved for a kind of intimacy I didn’t even know I needed. I was taught that guys only needed sex to be happy. That is only partly right. We do need to ejaculate pretty regularly to mitigate that frustrated feeling we get inside ourselves. Grumpiness, we call it. But nobody ever told me that I would crave intimacy with my wife as much as she needs it from me. Turns out I needed more than nookie . . .Who knew?

We guys can do a little hand jive to solve the ejaculation problem. But, though my nuts might feel lighter, my heart was never happy about taking matters into my own hands. In fact, my loneliness and yearning for something intimate grew and grew. I even felt lonely most times we made love, because I thought she wasn’t into it with me. I perceived that, because she wasn’t expressing herself to me like I hear her do with her goodgirlfriends, she was not into me.

Then I blew up.

I told her, over the phone thank you very much, how I was feeling. I couldn’t look her in the eyes so I told her via telephone. Quite manly.

She had known something was up ever since the “libido prayer”, but I had decided to try to stuff my feelings. Turns out she thought I wanted to leave her.  She thought I was ready to move on. We were both perceiving that the other was not interested in trying any more.

Wrong. Totally wrong. Wrong perceptions on both of our parts almost sunk us as a couple. We were both heartbroken about the same thing, we just didn’t know it yet.

So I told her I was bored. Bored with sex with her. I had read books to try and understand why she was uninterested in sex with me. I even bought a deck of cards that show different positions for us to try. She wasn’t interested.

I told her that sex 3 or 4 times a month was nowhere close to enough for me. And that I knew she only did it those times to try to keep me from having an affair.

Told her I was tired of hearing her say that she would be okay with never having sex.

Told her that wearing “old flannel”  and Granny panties to bed was about the unsexiest thing I could think of.

I said , “Should I bring tissues to bed?” was not an acceptable way to initiate sex. Made me feel like she just thought of sex in terms of disposal of the waste byproduct of the deed.

Mentioned that I was tired of feeling like I was just masturbating in her vagina.

Hate being a “to do” on the list, I said.

Wondered aloud if she could ever remember deliberately touching my cock. (I kept track. Had been over 6 months).

Told her that “she can talk all day long with her lady friends, but won’t say a word in bed.”

Said “You can give specific directions to the kids about anything important to them, but you won’t tell me anything that might help me to know how to please you in bed. In fact, the only time you WON’T talk is during sex.”

 ”Pity sex would no longer be tolerated. I’d rather jerk off than hear you say ‘are you done?’ one more time” I said.

And I told her how profoundly lonely I was, especially when we were in bed together.

I hurt her feelings pretty badly, needless to say. I should have said what I did many years earlier and in a much gentler fashion. I am lucky to still be intact. But she is an incredible woman and was able to set aside her hurt long enough to try to understand the flood of emotions I let loose. It took us several weeks to start to get this sorted. I don’t regret telling her what I did- I do regret letting it fester for so long. I deeply regret hurting this faithful woman by my words.

Here is my takeaway of the Pity Sex Meltdown:

• I (and probably most men) am not quite so simple as the “typical man” stereotype. Hot suppper+Hot sex+TV remote= Happy man is just not true. Not that I don’t love those things, it is just that none of them meet the deep internal need that only intimacy with my wife can. The sooner I grasp this- the sooner we can move into a closer relationship. The longer I believe the stereotype to be true- the closer I get to melting down.
• It is unfair to make her guess at my needs. A manly man will (politely and) directly deal with his desire for sex and need for intimacy. I did tell my wife, sorta, about my growing unhappiness in regard to our intimacy. I just didn’t work hard enough to make sure that she understood me. I let her stay ignorant. I should have been saying, for years, “Please help me understand why I feel empty inside even when we are getting it on.”
• A man will look for substitutes if real marriage intimacy is lacking. Sports, hobbies, clubs, affairs, porn, overworking, you name it. None of them satisfy. In fact, most substitutes for intimacy push him farther from his goal.
• Both husbands and wives crave intimacy. But since wives generally define it more in terms of communication and bonding she can get a fair proxy for her husband’s love through close girlfriendships. Not the same, but passable (according to my wife, anyway). Husbands rarely bond or communicate with other men like the ladies can with their goodgirlfriends. For us, intimacy is expressed in and around a sexual context generally. It is fair to say that feelings of intimacy and sexuality are very much intertwined. Pretty much, (because of the sexual overtones) married men are only free to express intimacy toward one person-their wife. On one hand we are taught to not put all our eggs in one basket, yet that is exactly what is expected of husbands. This helps me understand my hesitancy to commit.
• I like sex, but it is not the reason I chose to marry. If I wanted swing-from-the-branches nightly orgies I would have not chosen marriage. Duh to this point. I married because I wanted to be monogamous and intimately vulnerable to one woman in particular. For as long as we live. So why do I make getting sex a higher priority than becoming intimate? Why do I perpetuate the myth that “all I ever think about is sex”? Why do I persist in asking her to do wilder and wilder (in her mind) things with/to/on me to satisfy my cravings for sexual exploration? I can see how she might think that I don’t care about becoming close to her.
• I must maintain my respectability. AND HERE IS THE MONEY. The Bible says for a man to “love his wife and for the wife to respect her husband.” Respect, especially in the bedroom is key to intimacy for us guys. Is there anything more disrespecting than being offered pity instead of intimacy? Do I feel respected when she does her nails while waiting for me tofinish? Does her only wanting to do me to keep me from looking elsewhere feel respectful? Do I feel the respect when she refers to sex in terms of Kleenex instead of closeness? So guess what- if I want the bedroom respect that really satisfies, I’ve gotta learn how to love selflessly. Loving selflessly is certainly the subject of a book, but real quickly, it means that a good husband expresses himself self-sacrificially. He thinks first of what is most meaningful to her. He gives up all involvements that might detract from intimacy within the marriage. He learns how to speak her love language.

Now that we are past my little meltdown, maybe you are wondering how things are between us. Thanks for asking.

Incredible. Better than we could have dreamed. The intimacy is heart stopping.

We connect more deeply, more naturally, and more often than ever before.

We love making love again. We prioritize time for it. We even enjoy a little experimentation

“Drive differences” between spouses might be overstated, I now think. I used to think we were once a day versus once a month. Turns out we are pretty well matched after all. Frankly, I can’t keep pace with her. I believe in miracles.

We have arrived at a level of honesty that makes life much simpler for us. We can just talk about anything we want. 

There is no question in our minds now that we are committed to each other no matter what. This helps me to allow myself to be more vulnerable to her, which is the thing I feared pre-meltdown.

I also mentioned perceptions. Fact is, I had made a bunch of assumptions that were not true, or were only barely true. And I let those assumptions linger and fester for years. BAD ME.  She had her own perceptions, too, and they indicated that I was not being the man she needed me to be. OUCH. We we not keeping close enough tabs on each other’s intimacy needs. We failed to communicate, which could have easily lead to wanting to separate.

Man, if you find yourself getting pity sex on anything near a regular basis- it is time to man up and put an end to it. It is eroding your marriage. Talk to your wife. Likely she is unaware of your feelings. LEARN TO LOVE HER PROPERLY, too. Commit to understand how you are not being perceived as being a loving husband. Learn her love lanaguage. Become selfless in and out of the bedroom. Earn her respect.

I hope that this hasn’t been TMI for anyone. My guess is that I am not the only man out there who is/has struggled with sexual (intimacy) issues like these. In fact I am sure I am not the only one. I hope that maybe this could be a way to encourage someone to do something before he blows up like I did. I know it took me over 15 years of marriage to begin to figure out my own intimacy needs. I am a little slow.

Blessings  

Technorati Tags: communication, sex

Lemme just deliver the hook right up front here, ’cause if I started out by telling you I am a Sunday School teacher you would likely race for the back button.

It appears to me that young couples (at least the churchy kind) are spending more time in Sunday School than they are spending screwin’ each week.

There. See. I did it. Mentioned church and sex in the same sentence.

It is flattering to think that a bunch of young husbands and wives would prioritize an hour and a half, each week, to hang with the old guy and talk about the Bible and stuff. But, honestly, I would have thought that there would be A LOT more horizontal timegoing on than there actually is. I know this because we talk alot about sex and marriage in our young family Sunday class and because we talk individually with many of the couples.

But I am just teasing you a little bit. Not gonna blog about sex today. Saving it for tomorrow.

I do, though, think that if someone is going to come sit in class for over an hour that I owe it to them to bring some relevancy to scripture. Seriously, I feel pressure to perform. Especially considering that I am generally receiving more of their attention than their spouse is, amorously speaking.

So for the past two weeks we have been looking at the life of Noah- the guy who built an ark.

We pretty much skipped over the traditional fare about the size of the boat and how in the world all those critters could fit, and how smelly it would have been. Whatever.

I am interested in becoming a more manly man: a more godly man. And it seems that old Noah had something good going on, or else God wouldn’t have been hanging with him. So I wondered if I might pick up a few nuggets from the old guy that might make me a better husband and father.

How ’bout if I just make a brief list , then we can put some meat on the bones later, K? And by the way, if this is remotely interesting, you could read  Genesis chapter 6 through 9. And if you just want to take my word for it, well that is okay too.

• God was pretty displeased with people in general.
• Noah looked like a righteous dude.
• Noah walked with God.
• Noah was a farmer.

So apparently, way back in the old days, people were treating each other poorly and just generally being ugly to each other and unneighborly. I suppose they were ignoring their creator, too. But there was one guy, Noah, who was different. God liked hangin’ with this guy, even if he did like the bottle a bit much.

i’m thinking to myself: “what did this guy Noah do to get on God’s good side? Show me the list. I can follow instructions as good as anyone.”

The only thing I can identify that Noah did good was this, “…he walked with God.”

“Waaayhaaaate a minute my friend. I was looking for a list to accomplish. Boxes to check off. Good deeds to do. I’m pretty sure that God expects me to do my part before He can like me.”

Cutting across the grain here- God really doesn’t need your help. I know that runs contrary to most sermons, but they generally have an ulterior motive (to keep you busy and tithing). Seriously- think through this with me- The God who created gold now needs me to give some back to Him? Like he lost the recipe? I am giving payday loans?  Seriously.

Now I am interested about what “walking with God” could mean.

“Obviously it means that Noah was in Church every Sunday and for the Wednesday Mid-Week meeting, too.”

Prolly Noah didn’t go to church at all. I mean, unless his pastor was one of the folks left drowning…

“Surely it means that Noah spent all of his waking hours reading his Bible and preaching at others.”

Sorry, no written word or bible or anything yet. Can’t see, either, where Noah’s job was to try to convince anyone else to jump on board. Just build the boat.

“Well then, God liked Noah because he was obedient. He followed directions well. He accomplished things for God.”

Looks to me like Noah was well liked before he was asked to build a boat. Obedience wasn’t the reason God and Noah were tight. Careful not to put the cart first.

Which brings us to the “walked with God” part. That is it. They just walked together and did whatever folks do when they spend time walking together.

I think this is why my wife loves to walk around the neighborhood with me. We just get to spend time together. Relating. Chatting. Getting to know each other better. Talking about whatever is on our minds. Merely being together is a reward in and of itself.

And this is Noah’s real simple message to anyone who wants to listen. It’s not what you know: It’s who you know.

Is this the message we hear from the pulpit? Likely not. Likely you have been buried by programs, campaigns, fundraisers, guilt about money, guilt about attendance, guilt about serving, and so on.

I am not bashing. Just saying that “walking with God” is pretty string-free. Noah knew that. He worked for a hundred years building a boat because he was working with a friend.

Noah was a farmer.

“Big Deal.”

Big deal to me because Noah’s calling was to do something completely out of his comfort zone. He wasn’t a carpenter or a shipbuilder or a zookeeper for that matter.

Noah committed himself to a job for which he felt unqualified. He felt like a pioneer because he was one. He was embarking upon a journey which had an uncertain ending. I am sure that he lost sight of the goal more than once. He probably got splinters.

Kinda like being a dad. Or becoming a good husband.

(It just doesn’t come naturally to most of us men because we have been guys for so long.)

My children (like yours) are growing up. Fast.  And I get a little scared for them, especially as I consider the mistakes I have made and the challenges I have faced throughout my brief life. It doesn’t look like things will be easier for the next generation.

“A parent’s greatest fear- their kids will grow up to repeat the heartaches and mistakes of the parents.”

Back to Noah. He was a righteous dude just because he and God walked together. It is also true that we can raise righteous (and I just define that word as ‘knowing how to live right and well’) kids by walking with them. I am talking about prioritizing time to be available to those we say we love.

And please be clear- I am not just talking about walks around the block. Used to be, pre-automobile, going anywhere meant walking. Most all tasks were accomplished via walking.

And that is what I am trying to get across. We dads owe it to our kids to take them everywhere with us. Not just places, but emotions, too. I should walk through ethics and values together with my kids. Walk together through decision-making processes.

But I was not prepared to walk this way. Like a farmer being asked to build a boat. I was taught to be tough, strong, emotionless, tearless, fearless, independent. Most of us guys were taught this, I think.

 If I want to have the time to walk with my kids, I’m going to need to throw off some of my optional responsibilities. Basically, there is little that needs to get done that can’t get done with your little buddies hanging around with you.

Shopping for a car? Use this time to teach them about “good deals”. Teach them about credit and payments over time. Walk them through sales tactics. Teach them the value of delayed gratification.

Looking for a job? Let them walk with you as you update your resume and prepare for interviews. Help them understand about benefits and withholding and such.

Watching sports on the tube? Turn it off and go play that sport with your kids.

Fighting with the wife? The kids already know- you can’t hide it- may as well talk to them about it. Walk them through the process of meeting and falling in love and getting married. Do this every time you quarrel and I guarantee you will fight less.

Dealing with an ethics issue at work? Walk with your kids as you deal with it. Let them know what the issues are, if you can. You will all be better off. 

Poker night with the guys? Designate some of those nights as “bring my kid to the table” night. Have all the dads bring one of their kids for the purpose of teaching them the game.If it is worth doing- It is worth bringing my kid to see.

Dealing with grief? Walk alongside your kids. They need to know how to properly deal with such things.

Having financial stress? Wouldn’t you like to spare your children from that sort of grief when they grow up? Maybe now is a good time to walk with them. Talk about choices and consequences. Talk about how to deal with the tough times.

The payback of a life spent “walking” with my kids will be children that know their father and a father who knows his children. Kids who will want to hang with dad. Kids equipped to take on challenging tasks with gusto. Kids who know how to live righteously. Kids who just might avoid some of my mistakes. Kids who build arks.

And a very satisfied Dad.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: bible, sex

Are you “doin’ that crazy hand jive”?

I am really not sure what possessed me to post about this, but sometimes you just gotta throw down and deal with the consequences . . .

Today’s topic is not about a dance move, if you haven’t picked up on the double entendre yet.

Masturbation:

That’s the crazy hand jive we are gonna discuss.

And I will be so totally Not Offended if you choose to read no further and come back tomorrow.

But if you are still with me, I hope we can push past our embarrassment and talk about something that will improve your marriage. I will confess that this discussion happened only recently in our marriage, and the positive results make me very sorry that we didn’t talk more openly from the very beginning. I was ashamed, so I didn’t feel compelled to initiate talk about this very delicate subject. Turns out that my shame, or embarrassment, was misplaced. She appreciated knowing more about my sexuality, to my great surprise. And she responded, errrr, copiously.

When our kids were little, we made sure that they had an age-appropriate understanding of marital intimacy. It was easy to tell them that “Mommies and Daddies like to hug and cuddle. And a really special part of being married is getting to live and sleep together. Sex is special cuddling that only mommies and daddies do.” This level of “birds and bees” talk was pretty easy, and the euphemisms were fun.

As the kids got older, the “talks” got more into the mechanics of how babies come about and the like. Often these conversations got started quite organically, like the time our little daughter walked into our bathroom when both mom and dad were undressed. “Mommy, why you not have tail like daddy?” was her entree into basic human plumbing 101.

Our oldest 2 kids are boys, so as they approached puberty the “talks” fell into the dad’s jurisdiction. Unfortunately, my parents never told me squat about getting hair down there, morning wood, blue balls, masturbation and the like. We just didn’t talk about sex, period. But I determined that I would do better by my boys, so I very nervously set about trying to create an atmosphere of free expression about sex no matter the topic. I can’t say that we have it down pat, but let me share a joke that our oldest boy told us at the dinner table just last night:

“Dad, have you heard on the news about those babies that are being born with eyelid deformities? Yea, it is really sad, but some doctor came up with a miracle surgery. Somehow he uses the foreskins of circumcised babies and fixes the deformity. The procedure is very effective, except that the babies end up a little cock-eyed.”  We all have a good laugh, even the 11 year old daughter. “Kate, what are laughing about: you don’t know anything about cocks”, says the joke-teller.

“Oh yes I do. I know it is that thing you hold on to inside your pants when you are watching TV. Duh.”

OK, so maybe this kind of dinner table talk is a little more raucous than most Christian families would tolerate, but this Christian man and his wife want to enable their kids to talk about difficult, even sexual subjects, with those who love them. Yes we have talked about masturbation, but not at the dinner table, at least not yet.

And if our little family can benefit from dinner table nasty talk, why can’t my manmail family also benefit from speaking openly about taboo subjects?

I would guess that the typical reader of manmail (and I would like to thank all 2.625 of you) is both married and male. “I am married now: Why would I want to talk about masturbation? That is something just single guys need to do.”

Because you didn’t stop doin’ the hand jive.

Maybe some of you did, but I doubt it. For sure, the early months of marital bliss fooled you into thinking that the days of self satisfaction were blessedly gone. But at some point most guys pick the habit back up.

(Did you notice that I said masturbation and Christianin the same paragraph earlier? Have you decided yet whether I am for it or agin it? Me neither. Keep reading.)

Lots of things might cause us to revert back to our old whacky ways, and they pretty much all involve some type of stress or stressful situation. Could be pregnancy. Or a really big fight.  Stress at work. Unresolved anger. Boredom. Feelings of inadequacy. The length of the list of potential precursors would cause your wife’s jaw to hit the floor, undoubtedly.

Here is how I talked to my boys about masturbation: I told them that is natural for them to want to explore and understand their sexuality, their manhood. A penis is a pretty curious appendage, if you think about it, and typically most guys like to figure out how things work. It is just natural to be inquisitive. You are going to figure how to work that thing and that an orgasm feels good. Sometimes it relieves that great pressure you can get in your balls. But masturbation is not usually your best choice. It is not necessarily wrong, but it is often the result of making unwise choices. Like looking at pornographic images. Like having too much ”alone” time with a girl and giving yourself blueballs. Like giving yourself the right to so much free time that your mind can’t help but wander to inappropriate places.

And so I say a similar thing to you married men: It isn’t necessarily wrong, but it is an accurate indicator that there is something amiss in your relationship with your wife. There is a reason that you are pleasuring yourself to avoid intimacy with your wife.  There is always a reason we choose to give a brief moment of orgasmic pleasure to ourselves instead of investing that same time into our intimacy with our wife.

And no, the Bible doesn’t have much to say about this subject. Some preachers will mention the “sin of Onan”, but that passage is completely not about masturbation. Way off base.

The Bible does indirectly discuss masturbation, in the context of denying love or affection to your spouse. It seems to indicate that if you can do it to yourself in such a way as to not cause your spouse to feel cheated or less loved (or icky about the whole thing), then I suppose you have the right to do it for yourself. Perhaps “concession” would be a word to apply to this activity: not the most noble of endeavors, but okay if both agree about it. But It would seem to me that your wife would need to be aware of and approving of this activity for it to have any chance of becoming edifying to your relationship. 

So, yes, there might good and legitimate reasons for a married man to masturbate. This situation could qualify: your wife is pregnant or seriously ill and has physical restrictions. She knows that you get grumpy after prolonged abstinence and encourages you care for yourself temporarily.  Or perhaps you two are physically apart because of work: a little phone sex (with each other) with a happy ending could be just the ticket. Maybe you are a guy who is (ahem) rather quick. She might appreciate the extra endurance that a handjob done in advance could give you. (’Course, she could do that job for you. Just saying.)

But I believe the vast majority of the time, we are doing it to avoid intimacy. Not good. Not good because masturbation doesn’t feed our soul. It just gets us off. But that good feeling is so fleeting: “Oh great, my balls feel better but I’m still frustrated, the stressful situation is still there. Back to reality now, except now that my ejaculation urge is satisfied, I feel even less motivated to try to connect with my wife. Maybe I will just beat off again tonight after she falls asleep.” Follow me?

Sorry for being blunt about this.

Another HUGE reason guys masturbate is because they are choosing to look at pornography. This is NEVER good or right, and I am so happy to see more man blogs taking this stance. They say it is addicting: I don’t know. I do know that looking at that stuff is like injecting nitrous oxide into your sex drive. Problem is that you are using images of other women to do it. Going through the process of initiation, arousal, and ejaculation is pretty much called having sex. And in this case it is with someone you haven’t even met or know. Ask your wife how she feels about this: Bet she says that sounds like adultery to her. It does to me , too. Next time you’ve got a porno mag in your left hand and your woody in the right: consider that masturbation is adultery.

Some men become habitual masturbators because they are convinced that their wife’s sex drive is so much different than their own. This may be true for you, but it is more likely true that you have not allowed yourself to meet her intimacy needs. Generally, when a wife’s need for emotional and spiritual connection are met she becomes much more turned on and responsive to her man’s sexual initiation. It is even likely that she will initiate sex more often with you when her tank is full. I am not saying that she will necessarily feel the same physical pressure you do to seek release, but a wife who’s emotional and spiritual tank is overflowing will most certainly be most receptive to her husband’s advances.

Who would have thought that the thing that frustrates many men: mismatched drives: is most likely perpetuated by the activity that he supposes will relieve his tension: masturbation? (And, yes, I know that there are a fair number of couples out there where the wife has a higher drive than the husband. I am guilty of generalization and stereotyping.)

You might even be doing it for righteous reasons, like believing that your sex drive is putting unfair pressure on your wife to perform. So you help yourself so that she doesn’t feel like you are some kind of maniac; what with wanting her every other day or more. Odds are good that she would choose to be intimate more often rather than picture you taking care of yourself in the bathroom. I will buy you a cup of coffee if this doesn’t prove to be true.

It seems to be accepted as gospel that the only thing on men’s minds is sex. You know; “every six seconds”, blah blah blah. WRONG-O. Sure an orgasm feels good. But the big secret is that men (real manly men anyway) crave intimacy just as much as our wives do. Problem is that we do stupid stuff that causes our wives to believe we prefer sexualness over intimacy. Like staring at other women’s breasts. Or going to Hooters for lunch with the guys. Or masturbating. Nothing like like a solo ejaculation to prove this point to her. She needs to become 100% certain she is the one and only locus of focus of your sexual attention. She needs to know that you prefer her even more than you love your own orgasms.

How about the guy that secretly masturbates while thinking of his wife doing all those things to/on/with/for him that she doesn’t do now? This is certainly better than gawking at porn, for sure. But is this guy just setting himself up for disappointment if she never becomes his Madonna? I think this kind of thinking has the great potential to cause a man to become bitter at her for his unspoken fantasies. Not that fantasies are necessarily wrong: He just needs to include her in the festivities if he intends to keep intimacy alive in their marriage. She married you with the hopes of being that special one person who could thrill you: Give her the chance and stop doin’ that crazy hand jive.

“I masturbate because it is less lonely than the duty sex she doles out.” Oh man, this one cuts close to the hearts of so many men. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge when a couple gets to this stage. If you find yourself feeling this way I strongly suggest talking to your wife about your feelings and seeking experienced counsel. You are close to the brink. That hand jive might be keeping you alive, but it is just a band-aid on a shark bite.

“Our schedules are just too crazy for us to get together for sex very often. I masturbate to take the edge off.” May I just state the obvious? YOU ARE TOO FREAKIN’ BUSY ! Now I am not talking about the periodic busy times that come up occasionally, like at the holidays. But in general, if you are so busy that palm time is all you can manage, then it is a good bet that your wife is not getting her emotional needs met either. Does this sound like a sustainable situation? I suggest making immediate corrections, even if it means giving up the time share in Cancun.

So we are nearly 2100 words into a taboo subject and you are still reading. Good Lord, you are patient.

Here is the crux of the matter: We can spin our wheels all day long debating the rightness or wrongness of the Big M and probably not sway anyone’s opinion. 

What is not up for debate is the fact that masturbation within a marriage is a measure of deeper issues within the two individuals.  I guess it just took me this long to say that if you are doin’ the hand jive very often at all, I would start looking introspectively at the reasons. Sorry for being so long worded.  

Men, we are doin’ that crazy hand jive as a response to stress and unmet expectations. It would be the manly thing to address these issues before they bust up your marriage, or at least rob the joy of marriage from you. Don’t you feel it is part of your duty to your kids to demonstrate and live out a happy and fulfilled marriage?

OK, so here is my challenge to you: talk to your wife about the hand jive. Tonight. Print off a copy of this post and show it to her: use it as a discussion starter. I threw it down- now you pick it up and run with it.

I guarantee that, if you haven’t had this talk already, this will be one of the most difficult and awkward talks you two have had to date. But, if your experience is half as good as mine your relationship and trust in one another will blossom because you initiated this conversation about such a touchy subject.

Let me know how it goes. And tell me how to get that little tune out of my head now.

Blessings

Technorati Tags: communication, marriage, sex

Before I launch into “I don’t mean what I thought I did” a preface is in order. I really try to write these posts to be an easy read in under 5 minutes but be forewarned: I am breaking my own 5 minute rule. Maybe I will turn this post into 2. We’ll see how it goes.

Added: Yes, I am splitting this post into 2. Sorry for the tease but please keep reading.

You likely have noticed that the old saw opposites attract applies to most marriages out there. It sure does in mine. You’ve surely seen couples like us walking together in the mall and wondered, “How did that goofball manage to land a fine catch like her?” I tend to be slow, plodding and cautious. My wife, on the other hand operates by the deep philosophy FIRE, READY, AIM. Although she is wonderfully organized, impetuosity is her middle name. I am introverted and contemplative. She makes lifelong friends in the bank teller line. I am quiet, she is quite NOT. You get the picture

Have you ever wondered why this is true? Why would I be so drawn to and smitten by another human who could also rub me the wrong way because of our differences? Besides the fact that marrying someone like myself would be quite dull. My wife and I were counseled (by a pastor who was interpreting a Meyers-Briggs test or some such tripe) to reconsider marrying one another. He saw we were too alike in the stubbornness category and far too different in the “likes” category. He forecast, for instance, that my plans for a 2-week backpacking trip would conflict with her desire to spend those same 2 weeks vacationing in a full service resort somewhere fancy schmancy. Our off-the-chart stubbornness index would, he reasoned, kick in and lead to unresolvable conflict. He predicted we would have a rough go of it. And he was partly right and mostly wrong. Our differences cause us to learn to give in to one another, but our stubbornness always carries us through the hard times. One of us always stubbornly chooses to gracefully wait out the other when times get tough between us.

Of course, successful marriages must be built upon shared common values. I can’t imagine a successful marriage where one spouse is devoted to the Bible and the other is equally devoted to the Koran. In this arena, being opposite makes the chances of long term success unlikely for that couple.

It is BY DESIGN that we require an opposite, or as I prefer to say COMPLEMENTARY, spouse. Not complimentary, as in “My don’t you look pretty today”. That kind is important, too, but not the subject today. The kind of complementary I want to look at now is the kind where two halves make a whole. Yin and Yang, if that mental picture of two amoebas chasing each other’s tails within a circle helps you to visualize this concept.

Think of complementary as being air inside of a rubber tire. By itself, the air is pretty useful for breathing and other things, but not of much use for the transport of heavy loads. The tire, when not under a load can support its own weight but not much else. You’ve seen how quickly a tire is shredded when it loses air pressure while being driven. But put the two together- fill a rubber tire with the right amount of air and you get a really useful pair. Much more useful than they were by themselves, but needful of each other’s inherent qualities to get done the job of moving heavy loads quickly and smoothly over bumpy roads. If that tire were solid rubber, it would jar and shake the occupants of the vehicle mercilessly, and probably crack itself to bits in no time, due to the poor conditions of our roads and its inflexibility. But fill a tire with air . . . and you get a smooth ride. The air inside allows the tough tire to flex a little every time it drops into a pothole, preventing damage to the tire itself and aiding the passengers in a safe journey.

I mentioned that complementariness (I know; long cumbersome word. If it is even a word. I’ll try not to use it too often) is by design. I believe there is a designer of all things, including marriage. If we would pay attention to how He designed marriage, most of us would fare much better. Here is where the Bible informs me, and I hope you’ll stick around for a little Sunday School lesson about Adam and Eve. I bet it won’t be anything like your Sunday School teacher of years past taught you. Odds are that your pastor isn’t teaching this either.

And if you are a person who is not so positive on the value of the Bible, well, just please try to look past the scripture references and focus on the truth behind it all. Because, the truth is, TRUTH IS. You don’t have to be a christian for the biblical principals of marriage to work for you. I know this statement will irk many christians. Sorry. Following biblical principals for marriage works for everyone.

Before we get to Adam and Eve and his missing rib, let’s tell a little backstory. The process of God creating something from nothing is the start of the story for us. The first 2 chapters of Genesis provides for us the abbreviated Readers Digest Cliff Notes version of how nothing became the something that we recognize as our universe and the laws that maintain its cohesiveness. I guess we don’t need to know the mechanics of the creation process, but buried in these chapters is some important information about men and women.

Notice how, after God creates each new aspect of the universe, He declares it “good”. Then in Genesis 2:18, we see a “not good”. See it there? It was not good that the man should be alone. I wonder why.

Could it be that it was not good because Adam didn’t have anyone to procreate with? Like, after creating all of the plants and animals to reproduce after their own kind God slipped up and forgot to set up a reproduction system for humans? Come on. Let’s not think like children for a moment, shall we? Something bigger is going on here.

Man was created in the image of God: a self-sufficient being (yes I have ignored the God part of the equation). I can only guess at the reason why God didn’t create humans male and female like he did for the animals, but He didn’t. I don’t think woman was an afterthought to man, though. The order and fashion of Eve’s creation is a very important foundation to how we understand marriage. He did what He did is the order He did it in for a reason, and deciphering that reason clears up a lot of questions for me.

God looked at the newly created man Adam and said “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him to complete him.” Italics added by me because that last phrase was added by me. But it really gets to the point in my opinion. The woman Eve was created to complete/complement Adam. To rule creation with him. Not to serve him. Not just to be his sex buddy. She was created to be an essential, non-disposable part of Adam. Adam needed Eve Like the top half of my body needs the bottom half. She wasn’t created as an add-on feature, but as an essential component of Adam himself. Like the tire needs air.

Here is the part that should be familiar to many. The part where your Sunday School teacher told you that God took a rib from Adam and made a woman and Adam fell in love with her. She might have said that God saw how lonely Adam was and how he had so much work to do by himself. How tidy.

And as you grew older and were able to sit in “big church”, I bet the wise pastor gave you the “real story” and preached that Eve was created from Adam’s side to be equal with him. Not from his feet to be trod upon and not from Adam’s head to boss him around. That is an okay message, too. Safe. Often the pastor will go on about the man being the head of the woman and how he should not take advantage of that power and treat her as his equal. And also mention that she is to remember to be subject to her husband since she was created second. Second Fiddle. Benevolent dictator. This part of the message is not so okay, and you will see why here directly.

So, back to the actual Bible. It says that God put Adam to sleep and took a chunk out of him and fashioned that piece of Adam into Eve. Forget the business of just taking a little rib out. This was major surgery. And here is where it gets interesting: Adam was redistributed.

The formerly complete man Adam was redistributed into two entities. Adam was now missing key components of his old self, but fortunately they were not too far away. Eve also was not complete without Adam at her side. Both humans were able to function on their own, but not to their full or best potential. Just like the tire and air. Adam and Eve became a complete unit, needful of what each had to offer.

If the idea that Adam was redistributed into 2 persons is a little hard to swallow, just consider that man was created in God’s image: God said let US create man in our image. Without making this a novella about the persons of God, just consider that He thought it best that Adam and Eve be complementary. The two halves of a whole. Better together.

Earlier I mentioned the order or sequence of creation. God didn’t create male and female humans like he created other male and female creatures, if you noticed. Elephants, sharks, dogs, and the rest were created by the pair. But Eve was not to be understood as a companion to Adam, or for that matter merely a helpmeet. Human men and women weren’t co-created. Woman came from man, and I bet Adam sensed in his spirit and flesh that his “Eve part” was missing after the operation. When the first couple first locked eyes, there was likely a sense between them of “Hey, I know you!”. Eve wasn’t just another person, she was a necessary part of Adam. She really was a part of Adam.

Which brings us to our marriages. I won’t presume to speak for or about your marriage, so if I may, I will use mine as the test subject. Today I need this woman like I need air. It wasn’t always so, though. Actually, I did always need her like air but I didn’t see the value in needing her like that. I was raised to be independent. Mom taught me to cook and clean for myself. I could even mend my own clothes and sew if I had to. I knew the value of hard work and how to pinch a penny. I felt complete as I stepped into marriage. I felt like I would be a fairly low maintenance guy, and I supposed that we would still have our own individual lives along with the fringe benefits of matrimony.

Why did no one ever tell me that I was marrying my other half? Notice I did not say better half. While that is very true, the profound point here is that it took me years (Probably about 15) to realize that Kim is my other half . . . my Eve. I am incomplete without her. I need my wife to make me a whole man. All along I thought I was a whole man, but then I met my other half. For the first 15 or so years she was just a companion, and a great one at that. But I failed to see the way she could complete me. I suppose I was too proud to admit that I actually needed someone else.

At this point I was going to recount all the ways that she makes my life richer, but realized how misplaced that would be. I started to list out all the ways that her influence enriches our home, ministry, work and play time. Then I deleted them all. I realized that might not be helpful since we are a unique person, and comparing this unique married person to another is about as beneficial as comparing siblings. I am the man God intends me to be with her. I am not fully myself without her at my side. We perfectly balance each other out. But other couples balance each other differently since each spouse brings their own uniqueness to the table.

When I consider that I am not a whole without my complement, I am forced to reconsider what marriage really is. It is not two people coming together to cohabit and make a home together. Complementary union is not a man ruling over his woman, with the woman willingly (HA!) allowing herself to be dominated. Neither is it a 50-50 proposition, with each spouse agreeing that they will take turns making decisions and leading.

As I see it, marriage of complementary individuals requires a reboot of the mind.

We tend to think we are all grown up when we are finally able to marry. After all, we have spent at least 18 years of training with our parents, maybe 4 or more years being trained in college and whatever other kind of life training has been thrown your way. We get married and feel “Big” finally. On our own. Mature.

But guess what? When we say “I do”, we are really agreeing to start our growing up process all over again. We are learning how to cleave with another individual to form us. Just like Adam and Eve. In a sense marriage is a miniature family reunion. Two individuals who have invested 21 or so years into becoming themselves suddenly meet up with the missing part of themselves they always knew they wanted to find and live with. And just like the growing up process has some fun times, it also has some painful lessons to be learned, too.

The difference with marriage is that we somehow got the notion we could divorce ourself if the painful lessons got to bad. The thought probably never occurred to yourself as you were growing up: did it? What sane person would conceive of such an idea? Growing up, we don’t consider divorcing ourself as an option: we learn from hard lessons and adjust accordingly. And the process matures us.

This notion of a complementary, “new person” marriage relationship where each person completes the other might seem far fetched. And as I said, it requires a reboot of the mind. It means that I must consider my new life with my wife as an entirely new process of growing up. We will be teaching each other lessons and learning life lessons together. If my mind is set on the fact that I am only complete with her, then all of these life lessons take on new meaning. We patch up each other’s weak spots and add temper to the strong suits. In areas where one lacks, the other stands in the gap. We each lift the other to newer and higher heights, because that is what I would do for myself.

I hope, by this point, you have begun to grasp upon where I come from. I see marriage as a redistribution of one person among two beings. Seems like a funny way to look at it, I know. But I see it this way because I see it is how we were designed. I know that I have left out a ton of other Bible verses about marriage, and that is on purpose. I see complementariness as the starting place for us to understand how to have a happy marriage (and sex life). Those other verses will make a lot more sense when we get this foundation established first.

Sorry if the title of this post indicated that the subject would be about sex. I fully intended to get there, but ran long on words. Though under the surface it really is about sex, because we need this foundation of complementariness to begin to talk about our sexuality.

In a few more days I will have completed the next post about married sexuality, and hopefully answered the question “Why does he think about it all the time?”.

Until then, Blessings

Technorati Tags: bible, marriage, sex