I love seeing all of the Dad and Husband blogs out there. The Moms have had the corner on this market for quite a while and it is refreshing to see so many men finally talking to each other about man stuff. Any manly related subject is just a fingerclick away, and if you can’t find what you are looking for there is probably a forum somewhere that can steer you right. No subject goes blogless.
Except one.
Have YOU noticed the elephant in the room?
I must admit I am the new guy on the blog (get it…blog-block?), so I can’t claim omniscience here, but I scan the tag clouds and do subject searches, too. Maybe I just don’t know the super secret man handshake to unlock the door to the goodies.
Maybe you guys are just scared to talk about it: Which is rather funny because we think about it ALL THE TIME. Before you got married you talked about it ALL THE TIME, didn’t you? Admit it- you prayed that, from your honeymoon forward, you two would be doing it ALL THE TIME. How’s it working out for you?
How come us married guys can’t discuss sex?
On one hand I am overjoyed to see a little decorum among our gender considering how porn-saturated we are. Nothing like taking the beautiful intimate bond between a man and woman and reducing it to some sort of carnival side show. We don’t need to talk about that kind of sexual expression. It is just bad for us, plain and simple. If we (collectively) just ignored it, it would go away. <End rant>
On the other hand, most men are fairly disappointed with their sex life. I won’t bore you with the backup statistics; just ask your buddies their opinion. My wife and I talk to enough young married couples to say this with confidence. Especially after the children start arriving. Can anyone say dry spell? And don’t misunderstand- there are plenty of wives out there who are feeling short changed in this department, too. But this is manmail. MANmail. The gals have their own place to kvetch.
I will occasionally poke my head into some of the men’s forums and see that a few of the brave ones are asking questions like :”We haven’t done it since her fifth month of pregnancy and now the baby is in school… how do I get our groove back?” OR ” My wife says to just take care of myself, ’cause she’s too tired… what gives?” OR “Junior is getting more ta-ta time than I ever did … and I’m jealous. When do I get ‘em back?“. And usually the responses go something like, ” Dude, I’m having the same problem. Let me know if you figure anything out. I hear we are supposed to talk nice and do the dishes.”
So what’s a husband to do if he feels his wife is uninterested in intimacy? How do we deal with not getting enough sex? This is a very common complaint of parents with young children. You are certainly not alone. And if you spread out having kids over many years, the lack of intimacy over time can crush your spirit.
Let me put a disclaimer out there first. I am not a psychologist or therapist and have not written any books. I haven’t even read many about the subject. I work in the construction industry. I write only from personal experience, and my only hope in writing about this sensitive subject is to offer someone the tools to avoid some of the traps the wife and I fell into. Also, you will note my christian worldview. But I bet most of you will be surprised how practical the bible is. I refer to it as authority, but I promise not to use it as a club. If we are on different pages spiritually, fine. I don’t mind if you tune out the specific scripture references, but I do hope you will grasp the underlying wisdom. <End disclaimer>
NO WAY can we hope to cover this subject in one blog post. So let’s start off real slow with a little survey . . . Put the kids to bed early and allow at least 90 minutes to write down your answers and discuss them. Print off 2 copies of the survey, by the way.
IMPORTANT: Only those questions that are answered in writing may be discussed. This prevents one spouse from changing or modifying their responses to accommodate the other. The goal is honest and uncomplicated discussion. Do not discuss what you haven’t first written down.
Next installment of ummmm Sex? part 2 :”I don’t mean what I thought I did.”
INTIMACY SURVEY
1– List three things that I do that bothers you the most (such as leaving the toothpaste uncapped)?
8– Is there a place we’ve never been to or a place where we have never been intimate that you would like to share with me?
9– If I could give you anything in this world and money was no object what would it be other than me (because you already have me)?
10– If you could give me anything in this world and money was no object what would it be other than yourself (because I already have you)?
11– If we could take a vacation to any place on this earth and again money was no object where would it be and why?
Blessings
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