This video is slightly risque and long; cover the little eyes if they are nearby. The Floyd shows visually what I am trying to say in words about the devastation Wall Building causes.
I want to talk about sexual refusal today from the man’s side. Yep- “headaches” don’t just happen to wives anymore. A significant number of men actually practice sexual refusal in their marriages. The rest of you- about 4 out of 5- are likely shaking your heads and muttering “WTF?”; who in their right mind would ever turn down a chance to do the horizontal bop?
We humans fabricate mechanisms to protect ourselves from real and imagined threats to our well being. I like to say we build walls to protect ourselves from the bogeyman in our own minds. Usually, the walls we build end up becoming like the walls of a septic tank, keeping the crap inside and doing very little to protect us from anything. But still, we build away, not knowing how or being willing to accept the help of the ones we love and who love us in return. Building a wall of sexual refusal might seem like a way to protect myself from some potential hurt, but in the end and like all other walls, it alienates the one person I desire most.
Sexual refusal is NOT those few times when we agree we’d rather sleep than schtupp, maybe due to busyness or fatigue. I am speaking of the habit of saying “No” to your wife’s requests for intimacy. Refusal is also “working” things so that it looks like there are few opportunities for sex: staying up late to catch the news, coming to bed unwashed, nitpicking enough to foul the mood, working late . . . you get the picture. A man is refusing when he knows his wife wants to get close, or even just makes herself available for sex- and he would rather not, so he finds a way to get out of his “duty” to perform.
I know a couple of men who actually refuse or avoid sex with their wives. Of course, men being the solitary creatures we are, I only know about this because our wives talk. Not the gossipy kind of talk; they talk about it because the lovely and wise Postmistress is perceived by these women as someone who can keep a confidence and offer hope. And she talks with and prays with them about it. These ladies do everything in their power to try to entice their guys, but to no avail. If mywife had a tenth of the sexy outfits and playtoys these ladies have, I’d never let her out of the bedroom. Go figure.
One of the ladies has admitted to being on the “8-year plan”. That is the number of years left until her youngest child is out of the house and in college. Then she is leaving him. She just cannot bear up under the loneliness that sexual and emotional refusal brings her. And on the surface, this couple looks really happy. They seem to have it all together. They hardly fight (except about sex). Great kids. Great career. They take interesting vacations. They are fun to be around, individually and as a couple. He just won’t give her what she needs. She asks. She begs. She gets mad about it. She diets and works out. She plans fun getaways. And he refuses to put out for her, except maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I call that a starvation diet.
But it is not the lack of regular orgasms that has her planning to leave. She admits to wanting it every day, but would settle for next to nothing if her husband would just cuddle a bit and initiate a little intimacy once in a while. She would make do with less sex than she wants if he would just make her feel desireable in other ways. She needs to feel needed. She knows most men are horndogs, and can’t figure out what is so wrong with her that her husband won’t get naked with her. She admits that she probably would not be able to resist any man who would treat her specially.
Tear down the wall!
Sexual refusal is about control. There are doubtless other reasons that one spouse would choose to do this to another, but the global motivation is generally a need to be in control or deny control by another.
I am not a doctor or psychologist, but I do know that refusers are playing a dangerous game. Perhaps you think, “Oh, we are Christians and we don’t believe in divorce. We will muddle through this. Sex is not that important anyway.” Or maybe your thing is, “I will treat her right and meet her needs as soon as she quits nagging or loses weight or stops binge spending” or whatever other lame excuse you have for being a weak man. This game always ends badly. Usually in divorce, but most often with infidelity. Surprisingly, the infidelity of the refused spouse often becomes a wake-up call to the refuser. Some couples testify that their marriages grew to wonderfulness after the affair and refusing stopped. This sounds to me like a terrible way to learn how not to refuse. Seems like a manly man would do the right thing before things get so out of hand.
1 out of 5 married men are doing this to their wives as a matter of habit. About 40% of wives claim to use sexual refusal as a tactic to get their way in the marriage. This is astounding to me that we are willing to play with and prey upon each others’ intimacy needs this way. This crazymaking has to stop if we are to have any hope of a fulfilled married life.
Think about it- would you counsel your children to use sexual refusal as a tool for control in their marriage? I wonder why it is okay, then, for so many parents to engage in it? In our house, the kids often overhear their parents planning to “be together tonight”. We try to be subtle about it, but they know fo sho that mom and dad are getting plenty. They know we make it a priority. Alone time is treasured, not avoided.
What to do if this is going on in my marriage today? The first thing I can say is that you can’t change/fix this alone. You must talk to your spouse about it until you both fully understand why you are choosing to cheat her out of the intimacy she deserves from you. You cannot do this without her on your side. She needs to know that you are working at it. If she knows that you are trying, she will be able to pick up the slack when you mess up occasionally by saying no. This conversation will undoubtedly wring pints of tears from you both, but you will harvest gallons and gallons of contentment and trust once you air out your reasons for sexual refusal.
Notice that I am not mentioning the root causes of sexual refusal. Most often the fears that lead us to build the refusal wall were born from trauma in our childhood. This leads me to my second point about what to do. You probably need to get some outside help. If you have a mentor type older man in your life, get him involved (with your wife’s agreement). Often, a little butt-kicking from someone we respect is all we need to set us straight. Should you go this route, you must be willing to be way more honest with him than you have been ever with your wife.
Also consider professional help, whether it be a clergyman or a counselor. This is probably the tallest hurdle for most men to get over- trusting a stranger to help. After all, the refuser hasn’t been able to trust his own wife with his fears.
The wall of sexual refusal is built over time, block by block. It is entirely possible that someone reading this post is in the process of erecting a wall right now; perhaps unknowingly. I encourage all of us men to survey our marriages in order to determine if we are subtly laying the foundation for sexual refusal.
Blessings
Stumble It!